Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

News Flash: Men are Not Stupid!!!

I hate to break to all the women in the world, but men are not stupid, boorish or simply clueless (well, 90% of the time). But I will say that women are highly complex creatures blessed with tremendous faculties that allow for a great deal of lateral, in depth thinking, most which men are highly unlikely to ever understand let alone appreciate. But the truth is, that Men aren't as limited as Women like to believe.

I understand it is in man kinds interest to perpetuate this myth, if for any other reason than it is highly convenient. The lower expectations are, the easier it is for guys to meet them (All in the interests of continuing the species). I also firmly believe it acts as a useful coping mechanism for women to justify a guys behavior.

Myth 1: Men Do Not Listen:

Contrary to popular belief, Men do listen, we also tend throw away bits of information that are irrelevant to our more immediate concerns and interests. It's not that we don't want to hear everything women have to say, we do, and we do try to, but after repeated inane detailed driven information overloads, our brain categorizes certain data as superfluous and deletes them.

A man may remember during his courtship that his future wife's favourite flowers are lily's, but have no clue by the eve of their first anniversary. Ever wonder why a man will never expect his partner to remember random details about his day, it's because think its irrelevant. Say what you will, but we are consistent.

Myth 2: Men are Calender Averse:

Highly untrue, ask any straight man and he can tell you the exact date and time of the next world cup final as well as the team's preseason friendly schedule. Women take severe issue with men forgetting birthdays, anniversaries etc, however, it's because women put a tremendous store of value into certain occasions.

Men don't dress up and plan their weddings as children, they may pretend that they are Sporting superstars and hence our interest in sports, but we don't have the same deep rooted appreciation for the same dates that women do.

For some guys, marriage is the day they stopped being the baller to end all ballers, and became a husband, a life partner responsible for the happiness of a union, throw in some added family pressure it's akin to waking up with a sack of bricks permanently attached to one's head. But we do it anyway. If that's not love, I dunno what is.

Myth 3: Men are Immature:

Men are not immature, we have adolescent habits that prove to be extremely confusing to women, but its because once we like something, we are pretty happy to continue doing them. No man I know who is hooked on video games or sports started playing when he was well into his 30's, once we develop an interest, we are consistent about adhering to them. One would think that women would appreciate this quality in men, however once those interests include womanizing, once can see why a gal would want a chap to change.

The root of the matter is that men suck at change, we like our youthful carefree selves and love doing the same things in our 30's that we did in our teens, it makes us feel cool. Perhaps, its sad and really does make men immature, but I took a poll and all of us agree that as long as it brings no direct harm to our partner, its totally fine. (One of my friends missed dinner with his fiance's parents because he was in the middle of his Football fantasy draft picks (he's 36 years old), in his defense, he did win).

Myth 4: Men are Terrible Communicators:

The truth is that we are very direct communicators, we don't have the desire to recount every detail of our day, we also are highly environmentally conscious and find using scare oxygen unnecessarily to be a huge environmental faux paux.

On a more serious note, men typically say what they mean and are very good at compressing tonnes of conversational material, deleting the inappropriate bits and concisely explain themselves. We say what we mean, and prefer to stick with it rather than overload others with superfluous information which doesn't directly pertain to them.

Myth 5: Men do not Feel:

This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing feelings. This is 100% down to how men are socialized, we are taught to compress our emotions and bury them under as many layers of feces as we can find. Some men choose to drown their feelings, typically in collaboration with their friends Jack, Jose and Jim (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo and Jim Bean).

Emotional self-expression is considered a useless trait for many men, in fact it is frowned upon; Grim and bear it, male kids are told to stop crying, girls are allowed to cope by expressing themselves, go figure. A part of being a man, is having a sense of stoic control; solely carrying the burden of responsibility no matter how heavy that may be. It's what we are taught, it's what we see and most importantly it how we function.

Just because men don't express emotions doesn't mean we don't feel. Women can enjoy figure skating competitions, yet not know how to skate. Men express their emotions through their actions; providing for their loved ones, giving that leads to concrete measurable results. We do as we feel, lip service isn't a by product we're comfortable with. So judge men by their actions, not necessarily by what they are able to say. It'll make a lot more sense.

Myth 5: Men are Insensitive to their Spouses Feelings

Men don't understand why small things have such large emotional implications on their spouses, nor do they particularly care. That's actually a lie, we do care, but after the days 12th mini crisis, we tend to avert our mind from the attention seeking behavior and devoting less emotional miles. We don't intend on becoming completely disconnected from our partners, but we put things in a simpler perspective.

It's not the end of the world if the neighbors bought the same car that you wanted in the first place, it doesn't change your attitude to that car. If you wanted it because it's a great car, what has materially changed? In fact, you'll have someone to compare notes with in case that car gives you trouble (If you don't like your neighbors, you can always crack their hood open and snatch a few spare parts).

Myth 6: Men are Controlling and Want Controllable Women:

Women feel that men have the inherent desire to be the alpha male and control their partners; hence desire a passive mate that may not be their intellectual equal. Men don't want a partner that will always say yes or are completely under their control. It's not exciting, or what a normal guy would sign up for but on the other hand, men don't want a lass who would rather be their mother than their partner. There is a balance.

Some guys are genuinely controlling, and a girl ought to know that if he was controlling before they get together, odds are that he'll be controlling well after. To each their own.

As a general rule, Men do want a measure of control, particularly in matters that pertain to both partners, but if its something guys are not good at, we strive to pretend to know what we're doing because the truth is, that we're always trying to be better than we actually are for the women in our lives. If we are controlling, its more paternalistic than alpha male. There is a widespread view, that after marriage, the responsibility for a girl shifts from her father to her husband. This is powerful motivation to maintain control and the truth is we're scared shit less of messing up (hence why when things go bad, we just marry another chick till we get it right, Yay 4 wives rule).

Myth 7: Men Care only about Sex:

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

Myth 8: Men Prefer Hanging with the Boys:

You'd be hard pressed to find a girl who doesn't have that complaint, particularly some time into a relationship. Relationships are a crap shoot, however the one constant besides family is the guys buddies. They are tried and tested, and are the safest place for a man to unwind, talk non-sense and act like he did in his previous decade. Even post marriage, men value those relationships.

Especially as they are typically longer than the duration of the relationship. It's also important to get good man bonding time, the more we get, the less irritable we are. Now the reason why guys do sometimes prefer hanging with the boys is that we take our bonds of brother hood very seriously, we have things to talk about that girls just wouldn't want to talk about (Sports, new gadgets, cars etc). End of the day, you barely get to see your guy friends once you've been lampooned by Cupids arrow. Sometimes you need to take time of for the boys.

Myth 9: Men are Romance Clueless;

The truth is that men are more romantic than woman. Men fall in love faster (they also usually take longer to admit it), but that's to some supremely gifted genetic wiring are able to move on quicker after a breakup (Goodbye bitch, Hello girl of My Dreams!). When a man meets a woman who has a lot of qualities they like, we stop taking in new information,as far as we are concerned, we've processed the necessary information.

Which makes it harder for guys to clearly see the things that they wouldn't like about her. Put it down to short attention span, or simply the desire to make a decision and get it over with, once the basics are set, we don't sweat the small (and sometimes not so small) stuff.

Myth 10: Men are Pigs:

Men are not pigs, or see women simply as objects of visual/physical pleasure. The truth is that we are wired to appreciate attractive women, much the same way a girl is wired to try to look desirable to attract a potential mate. When it comes to women, this is easily done with progressively fewer and more shapely articles of clothing, and results in a wide appeal to a man's more carnal desires.

However, just because our eyes are drawn, doesn't mean we are actively going to cheat. In baseball terms, as much as I'd like to draft Alex Rodriguez, I wouldn't because for one, it could be an expensive proposition, secondly, I'm happy with my current roster and thirdly, I think the idea would be ruined by the reality of actually having A-Rod on that company's books.

The Big Idea

Women live with in some magical dream world that you have to love everything about your mate. When there are certain habits that they don't appreciate, they add to the store of myths that women kind perpetuates. It's unhealthy and causes alot of heart ache. Chill outLadies, we Certainly do.

The cliche that you love people for their imperfections has a grain of truth to it, but it's realization that you enjoy spending time with that persons regardless of the unforseen imperfections There’s no formula for appreciating everything about someone regardless of how much we choose to love them. Everyone has their own unique and annoying little habits that we cannot totally ignore.

A man's bad habits shouldn't ruin the essence of your relationship with them. Is a guy that much worse a partner for leaving the toilet seat up? Focusing on trivial issues rather than the core of your partner could lead to constant and unnecessary worry about your compatibility. It goes without saying that you love your partner because of special qualities or characteristics that tugged at your heartstrings from the very first time. Ideally, loving every last thing about your man or woman is simply unrealistic and impossible, but as long as we continue to try to understand each other, we'll always be trying.

A version of this post has been published on dawn.com

Dear Preeti Computer...I'm Sorry, But We Are Done..

My Dearest Preeti/Computer, 

This isn't going to work anymore, you have injured me down to my black soul. God have mercy on me for putting so much faith in you (to be honest I expect little). It was only after I saw you respond so suggestively to my co-workers commands, that I realized the truth.  

You flatter me endlessly, you light up immediately when I merely move the mouse and start playing with your key board. You even make me feel that after a dump that my toilet reeks of fresh flowers. Alas, it was but a lie. You were never truly mine. 

Everyone seems to love thee, you and your kind. Everyone needs a computer, or so you say. When I acquired you, we made a pact that you would be mine, I named you (Preeti, because you always were), stamped my office code with pride onto your CPU's backside, all to not avail, that sticker of honor, was no more than a tramp stamp to you. Little did I know how 'open for business' you were. 

Your promiscuity and desire to let anyone play with your keyboard and caress your mouse pad leaves me extremely jealous and feeling rather stupid. But none of it matters anymore.  

Preeti, I had so much hope for us, when you were presented to me with your gleaning screen, so shiny that I could see my reflection in your eyes. Little was I to know that this was a false promise, you'll reflect into any ones eyes, you whore. I hate you, yet I loved you. 

Such are the ironies of life. I feel that we've reached the end of our road together. Fuck you. I can't wait to get a base ball bat and smash you into a circuit spewing pulp, however, because I am a gentleman (Momma raised me right), I will not..... 

Instead I will hand you off to my illiterate underlings, and let them have their way with you. They'll bang your keyboard into oblivion, the sound of their typing so loud and merciless, even I won't want want to hear. Your CPU will groan and shriek with obvious pain as multiple spam and pop up viruses ravage your insides. And to think it was all so unnecessary. 

I know we've had our problems, from time to time I have (by mistake!) downloaded the odd virus file, resulting in clean ups that were uncomfortable and not to your liking. 

I realize how it makes you feel when I use public computers at Internet cafes or marvel at the latest laptop (in my defense, everyone else was doing it).

I even remember the time that you gave me an fatal error when I was surfing the web for laptops (for my sister!). Such jealously seemed almost sweet and loving at the time. Such is our tragedy. 

Preeti Baby, they meant nothing to me compared to you, after all, I relied on you day in and day out for a dozen hours at a time. How many late nights did we spend together in an intellectual embrace? How can you even imagine that I would ever shirk from my responsibilities to you. 

You were my no.1 babe. I was always there when you needed me to make you feel wanted, even if it was a google search on 'bouncing bunnies vs. dragons.'

Where did we lose that trust and mutual appreciation we had for each other? I lavished you with praise even when what I really wanted was to coax just a little more speed out of you (was that too much to ask?). It's not that I was displeased with your performance, my sweet, it was just that I had higher hopes for you.

I knew you were capable of better, Preeti baby, but it never occurred to me that you were consciously holding back. I expected better,  and when I saw you dancing to the tune of that other man's commands, I realized the truth.

The God honest truth is that you let me down. Seeing that other person play you like a piano made me realize that 'us' wasn't meant to be. It was a lie and one that we've lived for too long, my dear.

It's time for me to upgrade, find someone who is better, more worthy of my time. I hope you find someone that you can sync up with. Though to be honest, I just don't give a shit anymore. Hope your processor fries, bitch. 

With Non-Existent Love and all the Pissed off Rage in my Heart,

Murtaza

Promiscuity; double standards galore...Thank you Father Time!

One of my male friends tried to explain a double standard to a female friend when she posed the question of why when a girl sleeps with two different guys a year, she is a slut, but if a guy sleeps with two girls in a night he is a rock star.

I do have a few salient points that I need to address.

Firstly, I'm appalled that any girl would sleep with two boys in her WHOLE LIFE (do her irresponsible parents know that her libido is destroying the family's reputation?) as opposed to a single year (You slut!).....just kidding....or Am I. Yay Pakistani culture of Abstinence.

Secondly, Rock stars sleep with way more than two girls a night, though once they cross the age of 60, they are allowed to slow down....looking at you Mick Jagger! (I'm excluding all rockstars that play Jazz or Country music).

Thirdly by sleep we don't mean actual sleeping, doing the dirty would be more accurate, though men have been known to take cat naps during the cuddling process.

Fourthly....You Brought if up! why do you discriminate, I would never call a girl who slept around like a prostitute a slut.....highly available and open for business maybe...but never so callous. Besides, I hear girls call each other sluts with happy smiles on their faces all the time.

Now I really enjoyed my male friends justification.

Think of it like a Key and Lock. Guys are Keys and Girls are Locks. If you have a key that fits in many locks, then that's a Master Key, which is really awesome, effective and desirable to be. But if your a Lock that fits many keys, well that's just a shitty lock.

Every guy likes to think of himself or try to be a master key, but no girl thinks of herself as a crappy lock. It's only the ballsy guys (typically the assholes) who have "drive" to try to open as many locks as possible in the never ending quest to prove themselves to be a master key (results may vary), while a woman's apparent duty to be as sturdy a lock as possible; the more their lock is opened the less desire one has to take that lock home and pronounce a lifelong commitment use that lock as a protection for one's home/family's 'honor'. After all insurance sucks and there is no life time warranty.