Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

Shopping: One Woman's Pleasure Is Another Man's Hell

SHOP PHOBIA: All Men Have It!

I hate shopping. I hate the process. Electronics are cool, but when it comes to clothes and boring appliances, men and women have very different ideologies. The truth is that Men and women shop in very different manners. For starters women actually enjoy shopping, men on the other hand, find shopping to be enjoyable as a chain saw swinging dentist appointment...with the dentist in question being blind; Simply put, men will keep rescheduling for as long as feasibly possible.

For The Gals who Rather not go through Child Birth

Men require an iron clad reason to shop, usually when their female loved ones reallocate their wardrobe to the trash bin. Women shop on an impulse, albeit of the planned 'lets spend all day at the local stores just looking around' variety or the, I need new clothes because everyone has seen my wardrobe disorder, coupled with an infection of month old, twice worn clothes. Whenever possible, men are perfectly happy to let their female loved ones shop for them.We know you enjoy it, and you know we hate it.

Dunno what it is, but whats the harm in buying it? My Wallet Feels Heavy

Men, whose mothers and wives shy away from shopping for them, are drawn to one stop shopping solutions, if there was a mythical store where they could acquire a DVD player, Bare essential Clothes and a Bun Kebab, that would culminate in the perfect shopping experience. A Lassi would be nice too. Women have the tendency to work rather differently, preferring to visit as much shops as possible to evaluate the ware almost as if they fear the shops might suddenly close down.

Oh, yes, we love carrying your bags for you.

If a man skips a store on his shopping spree, he doesn't really care. On the other hand, a woman is devastated due to the minute possibility that the store may have re-stocked some new happening wardrobe since the last time she was in the store (in all likelihood the day before).

$$$

For women, shopping is an Olympic sport that combines finesse, debating, charm and the proverbial threat....to leave the store without buying anything. Men consider shopping a sport as well, however it's more akin to the 100 yard dash. The faster you get to the finishing line the better.

The Kind of Shopping Men are Happy to do with Women

Men will do all that is possible to prolong the use of their clothes to prevent future shopping. Whether it's keeping their clothes well, or simply being ambivalent to the presence of mildew and a healthy dose of patches (we were really excited when tatty clothing was 'in'). Women on the other hand, feel the necessity to discard their clothing with regularity. No self-respecting, straight man feels the urge to replenish his wardrobe on a seasonal basis. 

The Heavier the Bag the Tighter the Noose

When men are forced to shop, they tend to select items that will match their current wardrobe, women have the proclivity to buy items that require a whole new array of other items....the cycle is endless. Much to the joy of the consumer industry.

Haggling; Despite putting together complex mergers and acquisitions deals and negotiating multi-year contracts, very few men know how to haggle properly, one can attribute this to their general lack of experience and the general comatose state of mind Men are in while being dragged from store to store by their significant others. Men will very simple look at the price quoted, if it's considered fair they'll pay it.

An approximation of what a woman looks like when you deny her shopping rights

Across generations and hordes of crying shopkeepers lying in their wake, women have developed haggling into an art form worthy of Sadequain; Mind Boggling. Any layman lucky enough to properly observe a woman indulging in her dark art, the words 'Hostage Negotiator' come to mind.

Kim Kardashian Secretly Buying a Sweater for Gorilla Bananas

In addition women are hardly strangers to manipulation, my own little sister, in her early shopping days, once swooned when a jeweler quoted her a price for an item, proclaiming her poverty, once the gentle shop keeper pointed out that the substantial wad of rupees sticking out from her purse.

What do you $%&$ Mean Credit Limit!

She immediately switched tactics and questioned the man's honor for charging so much from a such a young girl. At which point, the jeweler realized that there was no winning the argument. He reluctantly brought the price down to more acceptable levels.....My sister was 9 years old at the time.

Haha, I'm pretty enough to make you go broke

A guy is far more likely to buy the cheapest possible clothing substitute and brag to his friends how little he paid for it (After adding a 20% discount on what he actually paid). A woman on the other hand, tends to shy away from such indecency but will, to her friends and husband aka financier, typically add 20% to her buying price, not to mention add a brand label.

The Good Kind of Shopping

Making Clothes: Men don't make clothes; they tend to have an affection with all things ready made. You give a man a chunk of cloth and he'll wonder if the shop keeper mistakenly thought that his customer either asked for new sheets or was preparing to go to hajj. Women on the other hand, like nothing better to get their hands on some kapra (cloth) and go to work on it; apparently 'fashion designer' is embedded in their genetic makeup.

Women, wherever possible will shop in packs, whenever a hostile negotiation over the price of tooth picks is ongoing, their team will either participate or look judgmentally at the said shopkeeper. It's a team effort. It's also a social factor and a way for womenfolk to bond. Men, shop alone, it's not an outing, it's a solo drive-by laden with as few receipts as humanly possible.

Getting Married for the Gifts

Shopping is a part of all of our lives, but for those who shop; Proceed with caution. Women Don't Mess Around....

A Typical Woman's Christmas List

A Version of this article appeared in the Printed Edition of the Dawn

Fakeroids: The Annoying Zombie Plague

Intense, Crazy Wired, Hip, Retarded

Dear "Mr. My Fake Shades Make me Better than You",

You may not remember me, but fate briefly introduced us when you decided that your intake of red bull justified annoying me. I wish I could remember your name, but it's rather a blur. It's not that I didn't enjoy your fake American-British encrusted accent or your expertise in decadent frivolities (no, I didn't know that 'Rambo' center was where all the cool people hung out and my life was better for it).  I'll even go as far as to concede that I found your caffeine frothing threats to 'BBM' me from your Chinese Blueberry cell completely amusing. Fact: The Chinese made Blackberry don't have Blacberry Messenger.

Drinking Coffee Makes Me Cool

Now, I don't mind the average person pounding 12 Red bull cans a day, but must you insist on running up to strangers and telling us how 'Crazy Wired' you are? There is a gaping chasm to what is cool, and what is woefully pathetic. You're not on the right side of the chasm. The silly stunts don't help either. As for me, I can drink a red bull and go straight to bed.

It's wonderful to meet such wannabe cultured souls whose love for all things "Areamani" (yes you read right) define their existence, and to be with fair, half the population is illiterate. And no one can be more persistently stylish than our fashionista Fakeroids. however, it is with great regret that I must point out that most of us can tell the difference between Areamani and Armani. It's something to do with being functionally literate I imagine.

The floods have devastated people's lives ... please don't try to equate it to the misery you feel when your servant left to rebuild his waterlogged ancestral village, nor is it a particularly tasteful excuse to attend 'charity' events, primarily to complain how the rich folk aren't doing their part to help the flood victims, all whilst gulping down 375 rupee coffee (You'd magnanimously donate the 25 rupee change, of course). That's the cost of a weeks rations for a small family. If you like, I have the receipts to prove it, they may seem unfamiliar since they aren't from the high end stores (Aghas/Epcos) you're used to frequenting.

I love me some intellectual debate

The Fakeroids have deemed unemployment to be devastatingly in vogue, I mean how else would Mummy and Daddy feet utterly grateful for the delight that they are privileged enough to replenish the holy wardrobe...  Particularly when an Armani pants costs the equivalent of the country's GDP per Capita.

Indoors, Shades, Girl passed out on me. Quick. TAKE A PICTURE....Who is the $#%$# Random Guy?

With great apology, I must point out that because your esteemed plain black sequined pants (which you got from Zainab market) because they look just like the pair that Paris Hilton once wore, doesn't mean make you a fashion icon or a size zero.....and no, a corset won't help. Cutting down on the ice cream might. I'd also appreciate the opportunity to gently point out that Paris Hilton rose to fame because of things other than her sense of fashion.

Cute Pup Laden With Jewelry that's going to get it Killed

Does your dog really have to wear ruby encrusted shoes that cost as much as the annual GDP of Balochistan?I love dogs as much as the next person, which is why I encourage everyone to vote. And no, liking a politician's facebook profile because it rhymes with 'VersaCHEE' doesn't count.

Now, as much as you love to prance into Coffee houses demanding the most complex pretentious drink known to man (asking for yak milk in your cappuccino much?), the rest of the 'we're drinking our damn coffee' republic doesn't care how well traveled you are or how Pares (Um...Paris) is just like Iceland (that habit of smirking and insisting Pares that's where all Parsi's come from and that Ice was invented in Iceland gets on my nerves too). At this point, the audience at large is unlikely to be impressed by your opinions on the state of Karachi either, particular if you've never been past Hotel Metropole because it is kacha abbadi and there are no good cafe's past there.

I don't care how well you know ANY of these people. 

The Fakeroids seem to live some charmed existence, the only indication they have that there is some modicum of unrest in the city is when Espresso shuts down for the day; which translates into a calamity ofcourse. But it is certainly a lovely chance to play 'oooh the roads are empty (minus the mob) look how fast I can drive my car.'

Please don't pretend that all of your clothes are khaadi; knock offs lack a certain something....usually referred to as tags. the flimsy quality is a dead giveaway too. But don't fret, you can buy another before the color starts to run.

Just because we can tell, doesn't mean you have to take drastic measures

I would never say that my wearing original Ray Beans shades makes me better than you, I'm far too cultured and polite for that. However, if a Fakeroid insists on trying to pass off their collection of 100 rupee shades whilst expertly proclaiming that my shades are obviously fake, I must insist that they carry a receipt, warranty and a letter from the manufacturer with them at all times. Think of it as a 'put up or shut up' badge of honor.

My Mistake, you don't actually have to say 'Do you Want Fries with that' to Work at McDonalds

So, Fakeroids, be who you are, be proud of it. You think that you're a Snob, but what you really are is a bun kebab who really wants to be a wannabe burger....hell, even they don't want to claim you. Rest easy, and learn how to say 'would you like fries with that'.

And don't bug me again, my time is valuable, I actually have to work to make a living and pay taxes to ensure that others don't.

Person who'll gladly use your fake Lacoste Polo to clean his Kenneth Cole Boots

PS: You know who you are.

Man Up Hour: Bro's Before Beau's

How many brave men have been lost to relationships with clingy controlling women? How many pure souls must be sacrificed to appease the female dieties. Far too many guys date far too many controlling women, for the simple reason that controlling women are the only ones left in circulation.

Men want the same thing from their perfect piece of under wear as they do from their perfect woman; a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. If we don't get that, a life of misery beckons.

As men are not entirely perfect, periodically mistakes are made (the selection process is a crap shoot; Styles & Sizes vary brand to brand...which is why mothers do most of the shopping for us, till we decided to be independent), and in the thrill of man's independence, tragedy strikes and you see a friend get a bit too star struck with his own freedom and acquire an inappropriately tight pair.

You tell him over and over again, that he (or in actuality his friends) will live to regret it (what mommy doesn't know won't hurt her).

But we're men, if it hurts, we grim and bear it telling ourselves that we'll get used to it, grow into it even and our friends will make do with our sour pained expressions....except for shoes.... Men must wear comfortable shoes (it's easier to scurry across the heavy traffic on II Chundrigar in comfortable shoes).

Tragically, it's a pretty common occurence, a close loyal friend suddenly ensares himself a seemingly sweet woman friend. Covert operations ensue, after all, you wouldn't want everyone to know about your new Armani Egyptian Cotton boxers, you wait to make sure it's worth the excitement. 

Before you proclaim to the world, usually on face book, or tweet; 'I have found the one, come see and tell me how awesome I did, but don't touch ya, that's just too much londa pan'; this proclaimation is not uncommon, as men can have very stimulating conversations about the last legendary dump they took.....usually, when excitment strikes calls are made to the network whilst still on the toilet (blue tooth and hands free is a blessing... talk about the simple pleasures in life; In fact, I have man friends who make their most important calls from the pot. Say what you will, but we are time efficient).

At first, men are inclined to naturally humor their friends, in your heads you think, 'Silly man, everyone thinks they find the one atleast a dozen or so times', but the real question is are you ready to handle the one right now. 

After all, people change, tastes change, sizes change, put on a little weight, lose a little weight, flabby muscles and just plain flab wreak havoc on your life's choices. Is your one, flexible? Is it of suitable quality? After all, it's a commitment, you can't just go to the bazaar and pick out another pair, the one you have will get jealous....if you do, make sure to hide it....different drawers.

You should however try to empathize, after all, it might even be your friend's first (Armani's are super comfy) and young romance is nothing to scoff at mind you (but you roll your eyes anyway), and at first you are glad for him (man law requires overt displays of 'Well done, you shagged a good one right there'). 

But then your pal changes, sometimes literally; he's got a fancy new hair cut that requires as much product as is legally permissable, his new array of designer clothes reek of credit card debt and his appearances at friend's outings become as common as a parliamentarian showing up at the assembly. The realization strikes 'That bugger thinks because he has the one he's better than everyone." If a guy thinks having a girlfriend is a terrific status symbol, he is unfortunately mistaken, as far as your guy friends are concerned, your friend is her new accessory. Infact she can call him I-friend, have him chauffer her around, run errands, speak when spoken too etc. He has been sacrificed to the alter of women, but he doesn't know it yet....

Believe it or not, after guys are done laughing about their friends utility maximizing, they silently fume, they are pissed, but in the end, are just plain sad that their comprendo is never around anymore. 

So as petty (actually horrible) as it sounds they wait for the day the (hopefully) inevitable break up happens, because then he'll be free and need his boys again to roam the earth.....preferably in a hilux.

After all, the gang wickedly imagines, the sheer volume of hair product will have induced baldness, he can't afford hair plugs now that his credit card(s) are maxxed out (supply it and a relationship will consume it as my venerable economics professor once said) and he'll give all of his old clothes to the Edhi foundation because they'll remind him of her.....the one. Bloody hell, you feel mildly sadistic now for wanting this...but it's for your friends own good!

Assuming the relationship is still in play, it is your duty to support him through this tough time, even if you feel entitled to his regular attention. 

Where should a guys priorities be? To his gang of friends or to his potential partner (if this was a democratic process, its pretty apparent who would win).

But alas, circumstances have changed. The balance of priorities have shifted, the only time he (is allowed to) contact his gang is when She deems it appropriate (she's busy) or when his testosterone levels have dangerously diminished and are in drastic need for replenishment in the form of man time; good mint Shisha, man talk and perhaps a game of football.

While we may appreciate that our fallen comrades life has changed (hopefully for the better),  it's still hard to get around the female induced disloyaly. Guys will always support a Bro, which is why Obama got elected yo!

Our bonds are the only thing that tie us to this world, and the bonds of brotherhood are absolute. Guy's don't judge each other and are instead support each other stupidity much in the same way residents do their local politicans, consistently and without reason.

It's not that we don't care, but we've developed friendships that supersede each other's inadequacies, we don't sweat the small stuff. Women (as ever evolving creatures) like changing their partners and are quite liberal in doling out constructive criticsim.

It damages a guy's ego levels and his masculinity, the only medically approved treatment is man time, in particularly serious cases, we fly into Dubai or PC Bourban I mean Bhurban for immediate treatment. Vast sections of the Bro Code by Barney Stinson will be reviewed.

  

From time to time guys will admonish their whipped friend for his lax man time. Meeting your guy friends is an important ritual, one that should be taken seriously and occur frequently....daily in some cases. When the funny obscene text message stream abruptly end, the time for extreme action is  these matter to us, it keeps us connected, just because they aren't to your taste doesn't mean the rest of man kind shouldn't. 

Guy's don't give other guy's ultimatums on the status of their partner, as far as we are concerned, that's his business and as long as he's happy, grim and bear it. Girlfriends on the other hand, show no such restraint, they see his time, as their time, and ought to be allocated as such (well, to her preferences). 

Relationships are finite and most of their shelf lives expire well before wedding bells. The most endearing relationships guys have are with his amigos, they are as special as a golf club (it'll last forever if properly maintained and you don't do anything stupid with it). 

No islamic contract required or family pressure needed, we choose to chill together and telling us that we can't is a slap in the face. Afterall my soon to be sister-in-law (we are serious about the brotherhood), how do you think your guy got so damn awesome in the first place? If you make us hate you, the odds are your relationship isn't going to stand the test of time. We are prepared for that, men are excellant at damage control, which is why the Fire department is man staffed.

We are all enfused with the desire for a long lasting relationship with the opposite sex (it's only natural...genetic procreation insanity some would say), and we want that for each other. However, the bonds of brotherhood are just as vital and shouldn't be taken for granted. 

Obviously there needs to balance and most relationships need alot of time investment. But there is a chasm of a difference between neglecting friendships and nurturing a potential life partner. It's just bad form, and that's just cricket (fair). 

Man Up Hour; Lose that vital level of man time, and trust me ladies, you have no idea what the hell your getting yourself into. It's very simple, the more you try to control a guy, the more he's going to covertly piss you off. The ones that are too spineless to do so are a waste of space. So let them have that much desired man hour. We'll have him home at a reasonable hour, unless ofcourse the police arrest us for something we can't bribe ourselves out off. 

Before you know it, the happy couple has announced their engagement and your attending their wedding. Still a bit shell shocked by the occasion, you wish them well, but you still feel compelled to find a private corner with your remaining comrades and empty a bottle for your fallen homie. Woman:1 : Man: 0

When that happens, it is the guys friends who are left picking up the pieces. The reason for that is because friends are like bra's, close to the heart and always there for support.

So the next time your lady friend (for the millionth time) asks you to cancel plans with your boys, look her straight in the eyes, shrug your shoulders and say 'Gotta chill with the boys, later'.

Then again, on occasion it is just time to say 'farwell, good friend, may you live in interesting times and don't let the door hit you on the way out, because loyalty is a two way street'

We are Bro's and with some genetic fault will always be there to help each other out and tell each other that we are funny when we are not.

I will say that over doing it or being over committed isn't a one way street and is prevalant both ways. For girls, it's the pressure to settle down asap and for guy's family pressures tend to take their toll. So investment one's time, money and sanity takes a whole new meaning.

Bro's Before Beaus yo! Tweet It OUT!!!