For Women: How To Get A Guy

Why I Wrote This:

I feel as though I do go on a lot about the distinction between men and women, and that I ought to do something 'constructive', perhaps have some lessons on how a girl can get a guy, and perhaps some insight how to keep him, manage him well enough that he'll keep being a man, rather than just half of a couple.

Oh, and someone asked me to. Plain, flat and fucking simple.

1. Learn to Cook Food That WE like: Men Like Food. It's be socialized deep into our core. It's very simple why, when we are having a bad day, our mothers gave us awesome food. When we celebrate an achievement or a milestone, we don't go out shopping. We go out to dinner. We also have specific tastes, Some guys hate Alfredo sauce (it looks like sperm), so no matter how amazing your Alfredo Pasta is, don't make us eat it.

We will just to please you, after all it's the decent thing to do, but we will hate it and will envision a life full of Alfredo pasta. Men like Pizza, Lasagne, Nihari, Biryani, etc. We don't expect Top Chef, but comforting tasty dishes go a long way. Women exercise so they can lose weight, men exercise so we can continue eating like teenagers. If we lose weight in the process, High Five.

2. Enumerate our Awesomeness: Tell your target that he's awesome, we like being told how awesome we are. Be as descriptive as possible, if you find the odd metro-sexual man who actually gets his eye brows done, work that in somewhere. Comparing us to famous good looking bad ass actors works well; Robert Downing Jr = Thumbs Up. Effeminate weird chaps like Zac Effron and Hugh Grant = Thumbs the HELL down.

If you tell us that we are awesome and good looking, we are unlikely to disagree with you (it's ungentlemanly) and will definitely believe that you possess sterling taste. Just because we pretend we don't believe you or don't want to hear it, doesn't mean that we don't like hearing about it as much as a superficial teenage girl. It's hard to go overboard, but one should remember that if you are looking to date a guy, he wants a partner, not a groupie.

3. Share our Interests but Within Reason: Men like girls who like doing things outside of restaurants and shopping malls. If a guy likes going bowling or sailing, develop an interest. In that vein we think it's cool for you to know something about our chosen passionate sport, but it's quite another to provide factual reasoning why our chosen team is overrated/sucks/Pathetic.

 And for the love of all that is pure, beautiful and bound to reproduce at some point, DONOT SUPPORT ANOTHER TEAM. Ignorance we can take, but odds are we've been following our teams a lot longer than you've been following us.

NOTE: Most men are Supporters; They'll stick with their team through thick and thin as opposed to Fan; The fair weather bandwagon Supporters. Here is the difference; A Football fan can list most of the starting eleven, a supporter can list the entire first team squad, reserve team and injury status of all the returning players. If a man is a supporter, don't mess he will not forgive you. If he's a fan, he will eventually forgive you for any affront.

4. Respect our Space: Do not intrude on our personal space unless we invite you. Think in terms of Man Zones. Our desk (work or otherwise) is a complete man zone, we don't want cute pictures of crap or adorable decorations...it's our space.  There is a reason why golf courses were men only for a long time....then Tiger Woods came along and messed everything up. Tiger and his tea break hussies.hmmph

5. Boy's Night: It is Holy; Do not plan dates on our boys nights....Never Ever....EVER. God Asked Us To Pray 5 Times A Day, so the boys could hangout at the mosque and catch up that often. Women are not allowed in the mosque or on Boys night. Please don't butt in, because even if we don't want you to come, we'll let you. But we will resent you for it. We need to replenishment our testosterone and doing disgusting manly things like compare fart noises.

6. Win the Wolf Packs Approval: Now very simply put, very few guys date girls that their friends collectively hate or think is ugly. Until wearing masks become acceptable, your best shot of getting a guys crew to like you (and protect him from incessant 'I can't believe you'd even consider going out with her') is to make them like you. It's very easy. Feed Them and tell them all how they are awesome.

Pretend to care what we are talking about. It works both ways, guys will pretend to care about how your nails aren't perfectly manicured, but we really appreciate it if you could return the favor. Unlike women, men are also more gullible so we will actually believe you.

7. You are a Girl, Dress like it, and Dress Well: Men do not like dating tomboy sloppy girls. Our perception of women is lady like wannabe models, while women expect guys to dress like slobs (even though we don't).

Remember, Men don't always go out with the hottest girl available, push comes prefer girls who take pride in the way they look, no matter what their chosen style is, whether it's tank tops, Shalwar Kameezes, Hijab's or even Socialite Runway Model stuff. The better you dress the more likely a guy is going to notice you and be attracted to you. Dudes don't want to bring home the sloppiest dressed girl available unless they are trying to pick a fight with their parents or if she's pregnant....Parent's just pray it's the former.

8. We Believe In Timing: Women like jumping from step to step, like clock work. A guy is not going to be comfortable discussing the name of his first child a week (or first few months) into a relationship. It freaks us out and makes us think that you only want to be with us so you can get married before you become too old and wrinkly (btw, we don't notice those first creases on your face that you fret about, we still see the pretty damn hot girl).

It's not our fault that families expect their daughter to wed by their middish twenties. We are men, we have no biological tick tock. When we are ready for the next step (assuming there ought to be one), we'll do it when the time is right, don't pressure us unless you want us to run the other way towards something of a younger vintage. When we want to go out with you, we'll ask you.

9. Deciphering the Man: The most efficient way to get to know a particular guy, is to see how he interacts with his mother or what he says about her as he regales you about his personal life. Men are taught to interact with the opposite sex through their family, if his mom is domineering sort with him, you have a good shot at controlling him too. It's his comfort zone after all. Mimic the Mom and You have your strategy. I'd also like to add that if the guy is a douchebag with his mother, then you should really move on, because that's precisely how he will treat you, despite any initial lovey doveyness. Think of it as an aborted attempt at change after we've already gotten the girl.

10. Smile at Us: Men are suckers for a nice smile, the genuine naturally sweet smile that all girls have within them. As opposed to the superficial camera perfect smile that's constructed primarily for societies cultural manner obsession. Seduce us, we'll sort the rest out later once our wallets are empty.

PS: There are exceptions to all of these rules, but they by and large they work.

The Big Idea: 

Men pursue women, women pursue men, both should have the tools of how to attract each other and in fact result in a meaningful relationship. Women by in large don't understand men, they don't realize that men try to appear just plain better than we actually are, and that women do the same. If you like a guy, I recommend figuring out why and what you are willing to do to ensnare him. As far as men are concerned, if we truly like a girl, we'll move mountains stone by stone...which is why we like explosives and things that go boom!

If you have many failed relationships, don't worry, practice makes perfect.....I think.

A version of this article appeared in Dawn's Sunday Review.

It Ain't Easy Being a Man

Why I Wrote This: 

I've been often informed what tragically difficult lives women lead, from being genetically forced to bear children (do the math on the marriage rate if you couldn't), cultural pressure, inequality etc, now, this annoys me, particularly if it doesn't actually apply to you and just like to just because it's fashionable to whine about it, because at some point in the future you expect yourself to be tormented by societies expectation. I get it, it's not cake walk being a girl, but lets clear something up, join the freaking club; it's no easier being a guy.

I doubt most/any women will agree with me (Mankind; losing arguments against women since Adam & Eve "why don't you just try  the apple?...one small bite"), but guys have our own set of problems;

Show me the Money (or at least tell me how much you make):  There is a huge concern by all parties (particularly match making Aunties) on how much of it we make. That's our damn business. Period.

Now some guy's are comfortable talking about their monthly 6 figure salaries, but it's a freaking recession for god's sake, it seems like really bad form. Going forward, post marriage, this exacerbates even further; It's a man responsibility to make the dough, if a women decides to bring in a nice chunk of change, then that's great, but ultimately it's the guys duty. 

For the very practical reason that if and God willing when a couple decide to have kids, the loss of the female partners salary shouldn't drastically hurt their standard of living. If it dips in the slightest, then it's the man's fault and he's culturally skewered for it.

Perfect Partner Syndrome; Girl's like to talk about the pressure they are under to get married and find the right guy. Join the club, for guy's the stakes are much higher. In Pakistan, when a couple gets married, the couple usually move into the guy's family home (tradition rather than necessity, unless you are a broke young couple). A wife seems a lot less perfect when she live in family home than they do if the couple simply lived in a different zip code. 

If it's a 'love' marriage, then hell, it's a diplomatic catastrophe waiting to happen. Because the guy will always be blamed for not bringing home an appropriate girl. Try placating your own mother and partner at the same time without taking sides, whilst living in the family home...I dare you. 

Job Pains: Job: If a guy has a boring, repetitive job, he ought to smile and bear it; to add insult to injury, he's made to feel that he's not working hard enough to find something better, on the other hand if a woman has a boring repetitive job its exploitation.

Lord help a guy if he tries to defend why women make less than men; it’s because you (married women) took 3 years off to have kids, you need to be home at a certain hour to be with the kids and employers are perpetually scared that any day now you are going to get up, get married and then quit (after she has used all of her paid leaves, and blame it on family pressure). Note: Can someone please explain me why there isn’t enough money left over from a ladies salary to pay for domestic staff? 

Career Orientations: Women don't have careers, they have hobbies, guys on the other hand are expected to have career goals. Plenty of women quit their 9-5's once they get married, or in the very least when they have children, a guy has no way out. Trust me, a lot of guys I know would love to wake up late mornings, yell at the sweeper for being lazy and then take an afternoon nap, but we don't get that option. 

Workplace Competition: Women rights activists lament how few women there are in the workplaces, now as true as that may be guys have a different spectrum of expectations; men compete with other men for position and growth, for women, there is no pressure to succeed, at best they get to kill time, make a good salary and find a man. 

If a women comes in, does well and gets promoted ahead of an similarly qualified guy, that’s equal opportunity; and that’s quite nice and all, the office might be treated to some cake. If a guy gets promoted ahead of a girl, it’s favoritism, nepotism and unfairism. We’d be lucky to get a Congrats card and a high five out of it.

Errands & odd jobs: Does 'can you grab the laundry, fix the tap and bring the pile of bricks indoor' sound familiar, well if your a guy you've heard some version of this exploitation. Even though a guy will (eventually) do it, in our heard we're screaming, why can't you grab the laundry? Do I look like a plumber? And what part of I have a slipped disk in my back did you not understand and can you please tell me why we bought a pile of bricks? In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s taking advantage of her. In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s the asshole who is taking advantage of her.

Women who make couple oriented decisions without men are liberated, men who make decisions without consulting their partners are chauvinistic. Go Figure. I guess we’ll continue to grim and bear it (worked so far). 

Acting Pain Vacant: men are never allowed to express pain, if they do, they are labeled as wimps. When a guy cuts his hand, he is required to profess that he feels no pain, needs no medical attention, and that it's nothing......For the love of God his hand is bleeding, there is blood every where and if he doesn't get a bandage, some pain killers and a Smoothie he's going to pass out. 

Guy feel pain, since we're obligated to act tough, it makes it awfully difficult to cheerily proclaim that it happens all the time and it doesn't hurt at all....really.....When women give birth, are they expected to extol how the pain is non-existent? No, the doctor shoots them up with as many drugs as legally permissible, and still it sounds like the delivery room has a collection of dying banshees. 

What do we Own: Guys are judged by their watches, suits, wallets, car's, houses and their (preferably offshore) bank accounts. 

Women are judged on their (preferably hot) looks and clothes, even if you factor in the cost of drastic plastic 'corrective' surgery, which do you is tougher to accumulate and is more superficial.  

With the growing trend of Pre-Nups, it's almost like it's like guys are being audited for a reverse long-term prostitution contract. 'So if we stay together 3 years and have 2 kids you owe me 12 million a month'. Lovely.  

Dating Women Expenditures: For men it is a privilege to pay for a date, and that should always remain true. But unless you are making serious bank, having to take your girl friend to upscale snob restaurants like Aqua Lounge and Okra on a weekly basis gets extraordinarily expensive, unless your family shits money. 

Shopping expeditions is a whole different story, if we're dragged along, it's not for advice (we're obligated to say, you look good in anything sweetie), it's to tactfully pick up the bill bill and pretend that we really really want to. When guy’s see a girl shopping bill, we see a potential X-box down the drain.

The Big Idea:  It sucks being a guy just as much as it does a girl, society judges in many of they ways that they do women. And to be honest, we’re okay for that, it’s the price we pay for being men. We’ll grim, bear it and pretend that it’s no burden at all. And to be honest, it should be hard, but if society & women in particular can make our lives a little bit easier, that would be wonderful. We’d return the favor. 

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article is printed with great reluctance on Dawn.com

Promiscuity; double standards galore...Thank you Father Time!

One of my male friends tried to explain a double standard to a female friend when she posed the question of why when a girl sleeps with two different guys a year, she is a slut, but if a guy sleeps with two girls in a night he is a rock star.

I do have a few salient points that I need to address.

Firstly, I'm appalled that any girl would sleep with two boys in her WHOLE LIFE (do her irresponsible parents know that her libido is destroying the family's reputation?) as opposed to a single year (You slut!).....just kidding....or Am I. Yay Pakistani culture of Abstinence.

Secondly, Rock stars sleep with way more than two girls a night, though once they cross the age of 60, they are allowed to slow down....looking at you Mick Jagger! (I'm excluding all rockstars that play Jazz or Country music).

Thirdly by sleep we don't mean actual sleeping, doing the dirty would be more accurate, though men have been known to take cat naps during the cuddling process.

Fourthly....You Brought if up! why do you discriminate, I would never call a girl who slept around like a prostitute a slut.....highly available and open for business maybe...but never so callous. Besides, I hear girls call each other sluts with happy smiles on their faces all the time.

Now I really enjoyed my male friends justification.

Think of it like a Key and Lock. Guys are Keys and Girls are Locks. If you have a key that fits in many locks, then that's a Master Key, which is really awesome, effective and desirable to be. But if your a Lock that fits many keys, well that's just a shitty lock.

Every guy likes to think of himself or try to be a master key, but no girl thinks of herself as a crappy lock. It's only the ballsy guys (typically the assholes) who have "drive" to try to open as many locks as possible in the never ending quest to prove themselves to be a master key (results may vary), while a woman's apparent duty to be as sturdy a lock as possible; the more their lock is opened the less desire one has to take that lock home and pronounce a lifelong commitment use that lock as a protection for one's home/family's 'honor'. After all insurance sucks and there is no life time warranty.