I'm Tiger 'F**king' Woods

Warning: Extreme Profanity! (Just so you know that your kids will love it too).

Tiger Woods just released a very lame statement about how he's sorry and hopefully regain his fans (by fans he means sponsors) support back. I'm frankly disappointed, I expected the Tiger to come out swinging. I can't see how he in his presumably drunk, heavily medicated state would really, unload all the crap. For starters, find me a single sane lawyer who can argue that Tiger Woods is legally obligated to act in an appropriate faithful manner. Slavery is Over. 

If the man wants to cheat on his wife, with multiple combinations of gorgeous women and abuse narcotics, freaking let him. If you're golfer, do you think your chance of beating Tiger gets better when he's high or when he's sober. Destroy the man's professional pride and that'll hurt more than any media feces avalanche you can come up with. 

Now I recreated the Pre-press briefing strategy meetings in my head. 

So this is how I think prep camp went:

PR Asskisser: So Tiger, are you ready to run through the speech we gave you.

Tiger Woods: yeah, I left that at the strip club, but don't worry, I know exactly what I need to say.

PR Asskisser:  but...but we agreed on a script Mr. Woods, perhaps I can go back to the club and get your copy complete with the notes you made?

Tiger Woods: Doubtful, I jammed the paper up some Eastern European hotties anus, Kandi Kebab or something. 

PR Feminsta: Jesus Christ, that dimwit is High as Air Force one. 

Tiger Woods: I'm not high yet, but give me 30 minutes and I'll be banging Alice in Wonderland. 

PR Asskisser: Maybe we should let him do a run through to see how he does, after all, he's Tiger Woods, the man shits gold bricks under pressure.

Tiger Woods: Hot Ladies & Gentle fuckwads, thank you for being here; though I'm not exactly sure why the hell you leeches came, probably because shit like Iraq, Haiti, Health Care don't matter for shit anymore, but in fact think that the biggest story of the decade is the location of my huge swinging penis and the collateral damage it's caused to my marriage, not to mention vagina's everywhere. Thanks a lot, and to show you that no hard feeling, I'm going to bang your wives, daughters, hell even your grand mother is going to get a little Tiger. 

PR Asskisser: Uh, Tiger, I don't think you should say that. They are pissed that you pretended to be Family man awesome, the super hero of the ideal family man.   

Tiger woods (ignore him and keep going): So lets clear up a few things, firstly, the rumours are true, I'm huge, like a whale but on a tiny man's body. If you want proof ask those gold digging whores all looking for some quick bucks, never pick women off street corners....damn I should really just bang married women from now on.

PR Feminista: yeah, like how about your own wife.

Tiger Woods: bitch, watch your mouth. Those are the lips that kiss my kids good night. Besides, have you ever seen a woman give birth, because I have, and after you see your model wife poop on the flipping delivery table your attitude towards banging her goes a whole different way. 

PR Chief Ass Kisser: C'mon Tiger, if you want to get back on the tour, you gotta apologize.

Tiger Woods: To who exactly, I am Tiger Woods, I made Golf, I'm bigger than golf, fuck, my penis is bigger than all of the golfers put together. But hey guys, the news your all waiting for! I will eventually return to the tour, whenever, I god damn please, and don't freaking expects any interviews, and if you are wondering why I from time to time hook the ball and it smacks right into your head through the camera lens with pin point accuracy, say my name douche bag, it's Tiger Fucking Woods!. 

If I'm deemed too inappropriate for the tour, I'll still tag along maybe not to play, but to do my own sex tour, lets just say I'll still be shooting 18 holes a day in a competitive environment.

As it is, finding women on a fucking golf course is tough enough, can you imagine how much tougher it'll be to get away from my wife and minders. Game on. Be a Tiger.

PR Chief Ass Kisser: Good job Tiger, quote your sponsors!

Tiger Woods: To my fellow professional and yet largely unsuccessful golf pros, The only reason you little skanky shits are up in arms about this is because your utterly jealousy of me. I made Golf cool, and you know that the next generation of multi racial golfers are going to whup your prep school asses. You look to the future and see nothing but empty trophy closets, wearing Tyre shop sponsored sweaters and crappy Indian made golf clubs....Indian's don't even play golf you cheap fucks. And the kicker is that you are all going to remain completely broke ass. Suck on that.  You silly shits are an embarrassment to any profession. 

But hey I can't blame you mostly white elitist snobs. You lost Baseball & Soccer to Latinos, Basketball & Football to African Americans, and now you have to wake up every morning knowing a super half Asian half black hybrid is beating the pants off every white man on the tour, and that if their wives are blonde and hot, you can bet your bottom nickel that Tiger will be spending a lot of time practicing on their putting green.

Tiger: They say I have sex addiction, that's bull shit. All guys would be addicted to sex if they could get as many bimbos as I could, I'll bet you a billion freaking dollars, that women are the ones who came up with the sex addiction rap to justify their cheating husband. 

I am the Hugh Hefner of Golf. That wuss has to tell people that he's Hugh Hefner, I got laid in the damn middle east, do you know how hard it is to get laid there? But I did, take that Hugh, you old wrinkly skinned bum fuck.

PR Asskisser: Tiger, that's not going to work, Play boy actually wants to sign an endorsement deal with you.  

Tiger Woods: Hey I have an idea, why don't I just walk into the room, high five everyone and then leave without saying a word. 

PR Feminista: You read the speech we gave you and I'll blow you later. 

Tiger Woods: I'll read the speech and you do whatever disgusting thing I want, I'm paying for that new Armani suit you skank. 

(Tiger reads the actual speech, sheds some tears, gets laid and lives happily ever) 

The End

To see my last Tiger Woods Post: Click here

Be Nice to your Local Prostitute

Prostitutes; there is unlikely to be any group that has more prejudices against them than hookers. There have been countless debates both bashing and expressing sympathy for these prostitutes. Between hearing about how evil and morally depraved they are, and how sad it is, that they are being forced into this profession, I have a rather different take. 

How about this. Why don't we all gather together, grabs some red bulls, take donations and Thank them (the red bull and donation kitty is for me btw, financially the ladies do pretty well for themselves (and their dead beat husbands)).

Prostitutes are called a range of things, from home wreckers to Satan's mistresses etc. But I really do think they deserves society's thanks. It is the world oldest profession after all, lets take some pride in our historical traditions (incidentally it's much older than marriage). 

Can anyone compute how many unsatisfying marriages have been preserved as husbands, chose to hit up a brothel rather than embarking on an scandalous affair with the maid, nanny, office colleague, Secretary, random hot chick roaming around on the street?

Having met men in Pakistan in particular, I would offer that millions have been saved, and millions more will be. As human beings, its easy to hate someone if they are a vague stereotype, but if it's someone that people know personally. Well that is an emotional time bomb waiting to happen. 

As a people we take abnormal pride in the institution of marriage (family is everything etc etc etc blah blah blah...blah blah blah), so we tend to turn a blind eye to allegations of infidelity, and focus our attention on that damned hooker jauntily strolling on the side walk. 

Incidentally, maybe one should remind themselves that the only reason that the lady is there in the first place is because the guys in the community avail themselves to her services. 

I'm not saying that all women should start behaving like prostitutes in the bedroom (though I know any number of men who wouldn't be opposed)  or should blame themselves (which men cheating on them will liberally do anyway), but they should take comfort in that their men are (hopefully) discreetly going to professional....relievers, rather than having a public affair.   

I asked one of my friends, who admittedly has a wandering eye (only one, the other is on a perpetual lookout for his nosy wife) about his prolific infidelity, he offered this; 

'The only real difference between a whore and your wife, is that at least the whore tells you up front how much you'll have to pay; because either way you're paying for it.' 

It's a pretty blunt justification. He also spoke about the magical feeling of control and how it made him feel like a man etc, but he is a moron, so I tuned out as a hot girl walked by. 

Now I can go on for pages and pages about how morally depraved my friend is, how sad it is that he unable to keep his marriage vows  and what utter havoc he is engulfing his marriage in, but why bother. 

If he wanted my advice, he'd have asked me first (preferably before he grabbed his wallet and made his way to the working girl strip). Though, come to think of it, he did have the habit of carrying a lot of small bills on him.  

But the fact is that he didn't (and men in general don't), because we are all imperfect and try desperately to be better than we actually are. That facade is very important to any man, regardless of how little he respects his family. So it is important that it remain a secret for all involved, otherwise the ensuing scandals destroys not only his marriage, but the family network that (in all likelyhood) put them together in the first place. 

Seriously, blame the guys. They are rational adults (when not in heat) and make their own decisions (when their wives aren't making it for them), dumping blame on a girl who is trying to make ends meet is pretty hypocritical. 

After all, we are all a product of our circumstances, which is why Islam is a religion of tolerance. Which means, that we have a right to hold ourselves to whatever standards we wish, but we cannot impose our values and choices on others (though if we could, I vote for slutty skirt week). 

Oddly enough, in Bangladesh a cleric promulgated that Islamically, prostitution is legal and is a legitimate way for a gal to make some coin. Apparently no one here got the message. 

Ever wondered why? Because prostitution is not a religious issue, nor is it really a moral one. It is social, admittedly a lot of women are forced into it (by men btw), but end of the day we are all given choices and if a girl wishes to choose this profession, she ought to be lauded. After all, prostitutes typically have a nil to a no chance in hell probability to getting a life with the perfect man and a picket fence. She is instead a social outcast (albeit a fairly wealthy one).

She takes one for the team (team being the institution of long marriages ). 

No man takes pride in visiting a prostitute. If you ask a guy what he did today, he is unlikely to reply 

"oh that hooker strolling around on main street, she said I was so good, that she gave me a discount, What Up (high five)!"

A guy doesn't tell his friends about his liaisons unless he is an idiot. The fact is that most men are idiots (please refer to my Tiger Woods post for details), we are terribly at subtle lies, so an evening spent with a prostitute becomes a fully fledged battle with a gang of heroin addicts, one of whom gave him a hickey.....and lipstick on the collar...and was bathed in perfume (cheap to expensive depending on the Hookers rate). 

Women do realize that their spouses are cheating, they tend to instead focus their anger on the working girls rather than their husbands, who somehow are absolved of the blame, because hormonely men cannot resist an available women (even if the women costs 10% of that wealthy guys take home salary). That is flipping insane.  Besides, married women do benefit. 

Prostitutes are professionals. They know what they are doing. I am sure that guys learn (and perfect) a few tricks with them that their wives and girlfriends will appreciate later. 

Which begs the question; Ladies, ever wonder how your husband has finally improved their technique and has now mastered the art of spooning? Well look no further than your local street walker whom you jeer at on a daily basis. 

Stop throwing stones at them, instead throw a reef of flowers (if you have money then throw that into my donation kitty...and lob the red bull at me....very gently). 

Promiscuity; double standards galore...Thank you Father Time!

One of my male friends tried to explain a double standard to a female friend when she posed the question of why when a girl sleeps with two different guys a year, she is a slut, but if a guy sleeps with two girls in a night he is a rock star.

I do have a few salient points that I need to address.

Firstly, I'm appalled that any girl would sleep with two boys in her WHOLE LIFE (do her irresponsible parents know that her libido is destroying the family's reputation?) as opposed to a single year (You slut!).....just kidding....or Am I. Yay Pakistani culture of Abstinence.

Secondly, Rock stars sleep with way more than two girls a night, though once they cross the age of 60, they are allowed to slow down....looking at you Mick Jagger! (I'm excluding all rockstars that play Jazz or Country music).

Thirdly by sleep we don't mean actual sleeping, doing the dirty would be more accurate, though men have been known to take cat naps during the cuddling process.

Fourthly....You Brought if up! why do you discriminate, I would never call a girl who slept around like a prostitute a slut.....highly available and open for business maybe...but never so callous. Besides, I hear girls call each other sluts with happy smiles on their faces all the time.

Now I really enjoyed my male friends justification.

Think of it like a Key and Lock. Guys are Keys and Girls are Locks. If you have a key that fits in many locks, then that's a Master Key, which is really awesome, effective and desirable to be. But if your a Lock that fits many keys, well that's just a shitty lock.

Every guy likes to think of himself or try to be a master key, but no girl thinks of herself as a crappy lock. It's only the ballsy guys (typically the assholes) who have "drive" to try to open as many locks as possible in the never ending quest to prove themselves to be a master key (results may vary), while a woman's apparent duty to be as sturdy a lock as possible; the more their lock is opened the less desire one has to take that lock home and pronounce a lifelong commitment use that lock as a protection for one's home/family's 'honor'. After all insurance sucks and there is no life time warranty.