Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

Why I feel Sorry for Models

I have nothing against models or modeling as a profession, infact I think they provide a terrific public service, but I do have the deepest sympathy for them. 

The prance and pose in commercials, magazines, advertisements and corporate events and help set a brand's image. Wal-Mart gets their message out with Wholesome looking folk shopping at their mega stores (Due to their size, they usually need alot of models). Whilst edgier brands like Victoria Secret need drop dead gorgeous glamour gals.   

However, my sympathy is well directed to the spindly, painfully off balanced bodied Models that need to remain skinny enough to be considered acceptable by fashion gurus and media power brokers alike. 

Now, I'm not going to go into the viability or extreme pressure these girls are going through (I'm sorry, if you're a male model, you're doing it for the girls, and if your gay, your doing for the clothes). Conforming with societies expectations of models is hard enough, to be a successful model, can imagine how much of a bad girl you have to be? No longer can you just be chucked out of a club (do you know how hard it is for a hot girl to get thrown out of a club....hell some club owners would rather keep their puke as an inhouse momento rather than let them leave), but you have to be thrown out with style. 

Think being thrown out because not only did you wreck the entire VIP section (as was expected, though peeing on the walls will leave challenging stains to remove) and snort a line of oreo shaped coke off the bouncers shiny bald head, but because you defecated into the fish tank whilst taking shots with 13 year olds (Teen is the new 21). Even then, they may laugh and decide to let the fish die, throw the 13 year old bar stars out, whilst the bouncer Ebay's his scalp. 

What makes a model a model; being hot and thin. Extra skills are added bonuses, but as long as they are the reincarnation of Helen of Troy and Bambi (with less weight), they are good to go. But they have to slim down to get to where they need to be.

 

Now let's say, you're a model and are being advised to follow the Kate Moss's 3C's and 1V 'Rock Chic' diet, comprising of cigarrettes, coffee, champagne and vodka (I believe a substitution can be made for cocaine once the cigs stop helping). 

You're basically having an almost zero calorie intake (I think) and are being asked to function like a normal working human being.....One may say Appalling, but I say Bravo. Insanity personafied, but that is what extreme dedication is. Going the extra mile, and in a cutt throat industry like modeling, ofcourse it's going to be a little bit more extreme. 

I don't know how I could function at my job without my daily regimen of tea, let alone 3 square meals (btw, what food is actually square other than Wendy's burger patties?...which models will never be allowed to eat).   

People complain how models are bitchy and notoriously difficult to work with. Firstly its a numbers game, if they are mean to ten people in a day, and brighten up the lives of 4 million, then I think it's a pretty justifiable cost. Particularly as we don't really care about the ten martyrs. 

When you're eating less than you're actual body requirements, you do become dumber, the brain gets less nutrition and is less likely to function properly (or think at all for that matter). The brain barely has enough energy to remind the heart to keep beating as opposed to figuring out where Haiti is. 

Imagine if you haven't eaten (properly....in years), you're not allowed to eat, because every ounce you put on you'retiny malnourished little frame may as well be a pound of tummy fat. Your career is directly proportionate to the success you have in losing weight and looking hot. As human beings grow older, the harder that gets. So when Kate Moss is prancing around in her 30's looking supremely modelesque, I applaud her. 

So if you see a model, give them a smile and thank them for their contribution to society, and offer them a sandwich....no one that beautiful ought to go hungry. 

 

They're starving (and hot), be Nice to them.