Forever Proud to be Pakistani

I have rarely been one prone to self doubt (I'm fairly certain that I'd struggle to put together a workable definition), but even I am sometimes amazed about the stereotypes that foreigners (or locals, after all, I was in their country) had about Pakistan. In class, everyone tries very hard to be angelic, but once the class room vanishes, peoples prejudices have the ugly habit of rearing their elephant sized heads. Being a Pakistani, I generally enjoyed taking classes on politics; I dubbed it my 'genetic imperative', and whilst I was happily debating foreign policy, domestic policy the workings of governance, I never really took into consideration of what others thought of me, of my country, I naturally assumed that they thought I was brilliant were debating my idea's with a blind eye to my Nation. I was sadly mistaken in my naiveté, because you can choose to be whoever you want in college, but it doesn't change what others see...or worse, what they wish to.

I took a Political theory class on good governance, and as was custom, a bunch of the students got together and established a study group, or a 'think tank', as we liked to call it, though truth be told, there were relatively few thinkers and more jock 'tanks' in the group.

Since I knew some of the tanks through various joint activities, some of which involve this wonderful ..um... sport called cow tipping. I would typically give them a hand on their essays and edit their relatively un-impressive finished product (My nascent expanding ego was in full force). On one occasion a person who I had considered as a friend took some criticism I had on his paper rather badly, to be fair, I was in overly good spirits hence, couldn't help my self from amusing myself over vast number of spell checkable errors (which he has disabled because he thought it was 'dumb') and what was the last straw for him was his argumentation that in order to promote good governance, people ought to take a religiously principled morality test before they were allowed to join the government, elected or either wise. Now, I have no problem with a morality test, as long as it fits my morals. However, this particular 'Tank', felt that 'Does, Jesus guide you in your every day life' was an appropriate question for anyone desirous of joining the United States government.

Now, whilst I should have gently explained him the ludicrousness of the question and how it wasn't practical or ethical for a country founded on the principles of division between religion and government, (as most would have expected) I instead took a far more humorous route and made several satirical caricatures of how Jesus's guiding, could open the door for the government to be dominated by alcoholics and chemists trying to find the right formula for turning water into wine....as well as how Chris Angel could very well make the argument that as a master of walking on water, how he should be accorded the same status.

Needless to say, as funny as the rest of the group found my attention seeking antics, 'Tank' did not, he felt grossly insulted and felt that I was belittling his faith (I wasn't, just his stupidity). He immediately responded that I didn't have a right to criticize him as I came from a country run by terrorists. Now, to say I was shocked into silence would be accurate, but the truth was that I was fuming. How dare he criticize my beloved country, even with our imperfections, it was the only home that I had known. Unable to come up with a proper argument to admonish him for his ignorance, I retorted that my country wasn't the one that murdered thousands of civilians through repeated air strikes just to find one man.

My country wasn't the one that invaded nations to take advantage of their natural resources, my country wasn't the one that propped up Israel, despite the massive atrocities their forces commit in the west bank and finally that my country wasn't the one with the largest military and nuclear arsenal in the world (I may have forgotten to mention how his country collapsed the entire global economic system).

No, that was not my country. My country was the one that stood by the side of his country as an ally should, my country was the one that turned over suspected terrorists, and my country was the one that set up the meeting that ended the cold war. That is my country, what had his country done for the world lately other than throw money around, murder innocent women and children and prop up west-friendly dictators in the name of 'Democracy'. From that moment on, I knew who I was, I was Pakistani, and forever I would be Pakistani. It would be my home through disaster or prosperity and my love my nation could never diminish despite all the imperfections and negativity surrounding it. All countries are imperfect in their own way, just as they are perfect to each of our own.

In a media dominated world, we hear all the negativity, but we fail to see past our troubles and enjoy the small victories, whether it's an NGO providing environmentally friendly light bulbs or the fact that we have the cheapest tractors in the world to boost a strong, prosperous agricultural economy, we have many reasons to be proud, and it was a 'Tank' that made me really 'Think' about it. I know that despite the odds that I may live in many other places, that I am forever Pakistani and I will never doubt my own patriotism ever again.

A Pet Kraken: Best. Idea. Ever.

I was never allowed to get a pet when I was kid, the last time I recall asking for a pet, I got a younger sister. I did eventually get a turtle but alas, I was allergic. FML Indeed.

I was thinking, what would be my ideal pet and if there were no limitations (like practicality and existence), I'd go with a pet Kraken , even though a pet Raptor  (they have such cute hands...perfect for the Wii Controller), a regal Basilisk  or maybe even a nifty Cyclops  were all close contenders. Now back to my Pet Kraken, I'd call him Krako for short.

"The Giant Kraken is a very rare, very unseen sea-creature ít 8 gigantic tentacles. The only way they have been found is dead, washed up upon the banks of the seas. These massive creatures are one of the most dangerous, largest, and still unknown about creatures within Caelereth. With their strength they can even tear whole ships apart." (Damn Straight).

Many would question my sanity and ask, why a Pet Kraken? Wouldn't a talking Dog suffice, and I say no. Krakens are bloody useful, particularly in Karachi.

Firstly, I live 5-10 minutes from the ocean, so feeding and lodging would hardly be a concern. Screw the fisherman that fish those waters, they'd be Krako's personal dessert. Krako would also have to develop a very strong stomach to deal with the toxic water, but hey, he loves me, so it's all good. What is love compared to a little indigestion. Husbands all over the world have been accepting their wifes cooking no matter how badly it effects their digestion system. Krako would be a peach about it. Now that's Pet Love.

It'll perform some really rad tricks. None of this roll over crap, Krako will be well versed in the art of Juggling (boats), Torture (Taliban) and even water gymnastics (he can do an awesome Swan Impression). He'll even do a mean Al Pacino impression.

It'll totally impress chicks. Like completely. How hot would I become if I could have my pet Kraken snare us a couple of Lobsters and Sea Bass for a romantic dinner on the beach. Or I could play tough man and pretend it fight him....

Safety: I don't foresee any mob/political party/peeved on fund Investor being able to take on little Krako. Unless they really want to be cataloged as 'dinner'.

He'll live For-Ever. How cool would it be to have a pet which you can perpetually hand down to your kids? You know that they'll be taken care off...what more do you want as a responsible caring adult?...other than a vault of Gold of course (dollar depreciation is a bitch).

We'd also do some really fun charity things like protecting aid bearing flotillas. Eat that Israeli government. Just try to interfere and Krako'll eat you....even if it gives him indigestions, have I mentioned how damn loyal he'll be?

I would also be able to scream 'Release the Kraken' without sounding like an idiot. And how big a hero would I be if I savedf cities around the world from destructive Tsunami's and Phet like hurricanes. For cheap publicity I'd even down a few Indian Battle Cruisers....just kidding. I'd be a hero....and so would Krako. Babes, Book Deals and Toy Royalties Galore.

What do we seek from pets? Loyalty, fun, companionship, someone whose always glad to see us when we get home. Pets are great and the best pets love unconditionally. Odds are they'll be your longest relationship...well atleast in some countries. Everyone should have their own version of Krako.

What is your Ideal Pet?

Love of the Game: Going Pro or Retiring

I'm always curious when I find guys that are ready to give up the single life for a life of monogamy. I mean, you are bound to be disappointed in some way, their isn't any 'they lived happily ever after', there is however, they mostly lived happily every after until they divorced....or forgot to; the benefits of old age if you will.

Majority of guys retire from the 'game', and with the passage of time some even mount comebacks either during their unions or once divorces papers are finalized.. The brave remaining, the Players who (perhaps) fortuitously decided that they were meant to go Pro, to be life long bachelors and womanizers of the highest degree. I applaud them for their bravery, after all, society looks down on those poor guys for not settling down and managing offspring.

I wonder why some would choose this path less traveled and the truth is that it has nothing to do with finding love. They've realized that for them, the concept of love and the subsequent relationship that goes with it, is the greatest game of all time; It is their purpose in lives to be the Tiger Woods of the Love Game. They want to maximize the good times of a relationship without having to endure the domestic pain that the institution of marriage brings about. This deserves a high five, not an admonishment.

They have enough belief in themselves and enjoy their own company enough that they are willing to take a life long gamble to pursue a hedonistic lifestyle. If that's what fulfills them, then power to them.

The whole man woman game is the greatest natural reality show in existence, there is always drama, excessively supplied by women, though brief men cameo's do make some contribution. Fights emanate from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Small things such as a guy not noticing his girlfriend's new hair cut (Advice: If you really wanted him to to notice something and be happy about it, get a boob job), and perhaps spending too much visual time on his girlfriends attractive friends. It is fraught with complications, but it's a different game in itself. From the beginning of a guys marriage right to the end, his biggest fear is the potential for divorce and the subsequent social fall out. And to be fair, he can hardly be blamed, so he makes it work. Couples endure each other for decades and take out their frustration on newer couples and hence the cycle continues.

The true passion that 'Players' feel for the game isn't the relationship itself, but the pursuit, the hunt. It is great, it is tenuous and it is everything to them. Maybe there lives are actually shallow and full of nothing but meaningless one night stands a sack full of stories, but if Life it's a compilation of your experiences, what is it? And who is to say that there isn't just as much meaning and satisfaction in 'going pro', as there is in settling down.

Who the hell are we to judge, we also want each other to be happy, right? Or would we rather everyone being equitably miserable? Either way, we enjoy discussing other peoples choices, for no other reason than to avoid a hard seething glance at the mirror.

For those couples that are shaking their heads, telling themselves how much they love each other and naively calling me a Jack Ass. C'mon seriously, you'll never maintain that same level of passion. It'll eventually be a disappointment (statistically), Love grows but passion fade and men tend to confuse love with sex. The less sex men get, the more they feel inclined to get it elsewhere.

Some guys feel like it's their right to cheat (men are also genetically programmed to procreate and spread their seed). After all, as far as they are concerned they are doing their best to make their partners happy (yes living in LALA land), but their former amorous parters no longer reciprocate they're sexual advances, so they justify cheating.

Which is probably why 'love' marriages tend to have a hire divorce rate than 'arranged' marriages. Arranged marriages aren't burdened by expectations...of any passionate sort. Marriage is a duty and a burden to be silently (or not so silently) borne..

We all see unhappy marriages and relationships, and laugh them off, discounting any possibility that it could one day be ourselves (we are smarter than they...which is exactly the same thing they thought). We fail to recognize and learn from the short comings people experience in relationships, even our own. But what I've always noticed, that it's the Players who keep their emotional attachments in check are the ones have the most baller times. They the Players, I applaud you for your zest for life and commitment to love of the game. Nike ought to make you guys some custom made shoes and a wrist band.

I recall some friends of mine, a couple, who would argue from time to time, without fail the only way any argument would be resolved is if one went on a tangent of how cute or adorable the other looked. After catching my breath from the subsequent puking, I realize that no matter if they stay together for ten or twenty years, theies was not a feasible relationship (incidentally the love birds lasted only another 3 weeks). There are some problems you can't just 'lovey dovey' BS away.

You have to stand up to your partner, resolve them and prepare to take any negative consequences as they come. Be a man, and take the pain knowing that a women can cause a man more pain in a five minute rant, than he could ever accomplish in a lifetime. So, I'm hard pressed to wonder why I sane man would sign up for that, rather than the freedom and privileges the single Pro life has to offer?

The answer is simple; Men are not logical in matters of love. When girls look at a guy, all they really see or measure are his financial prospects, not if he is likely to love them. It's a logical compatibility issue as far as they are concerned, even though their expectations of 'what they are worth', will vary as they get older and well...essentially less attractive (there..I said it).

Girl's most appreciable currency is their looks, which makes the game that much more intriguing. Women are aware of 'The Game', this dance we play with each other like some Cultist pairing ritual. The older they get, the more conniving, after all, whilst older guys may marry younger women, young guys don't marry older women. If they do, they are considering Saints....or Prophets for that matter

Note: Prophet Muhammad's (Peace Be Upon Him) first wife Bibi Khadija was 15 years older than him, but she was exceptionally awesome (Duh, she Married the PROPHET).

Guys on the other hand lose or redefine the essence of themselves when confronted with a particularly fantastic girl (as per their expectations). Men don't really care about the girls family, all what they really cares about is how she looks (shallow I admit) and if they can get along (Thumbs Up for Compatibility Check). The guy's family takes care of rest of the details.

Men are fools in Love. So cut us some slack when we look back in time and remember the glorious times when we were Single, Great at it and Positively Awesome. We gave it all up to spend our lives pleasing, growing with and appreciating one woman, and as emotionally sweet as that may sound, our genetics fight monogamy till the day we die.

Whether we go Pro or Retire from the Game all together, the choice is our own, but if we take the risk of love, we'll almost always lose, but we live for the dream of when we roll the dice and come up trumps.

For all of you incorrigible womanizers, 'Stay Thirsty, my Friends' and for your sake, I sure hope Hell is a Wanton Beer Garden.

News Flash: Men are Not Stupid!!!

I hate to break to all the women in the world, but men are not stupid, boorish or simply clueless (well, 90% of the time). But I will say that women are highly complex creatures blessed with tremendous faculties that allow for a great deal of lateral, in depth thinking, most which men are highly unlikely to ever understand let alone appreciate. But the truth is, that Men aren't as limited as Women like to believe.

I understand it is in man kinds interest to perpetuate this myth, if for any other reason than it is highly convenient. The lower expectations are, the easier it is for guys to meet them (All in the interests of continuing the species). I also firmly believe it acts as a useful coping mechanism for women to justify a guys behavior.

Myth 1: Men Do Not Listen:

Contrary to popular belief, Men do listen, we also tend throw away bits of information that are irrelevant to our more immediate concerns and interests. It's not that we don't want to hear everything women have to say, we do, and we do try to, but after repeated inane detailed driven information overloads, our brain categorizes certain data as superfluous and deletes them.

A man may remember during his courtship that his future wife's favourite flowers are lily's, but have no clue by the eve of their first anniversary. Ever wonder why a man will never expect his partner to remember random details about his day, it's because think its irrelevant. Say what you will, but we are consistent.

Myth 2: Men are Calender Averse:

Highly untrue, ask any straight man and he can tell you the exact date and time of the next world cup final as well as the team's preseason friendly schedule. Women take severe issue with men forgetting birthdays, anniversaries etc, however, it's because women put a tremendous store of value into certain occasions.

Men don't dress up and plan their weddings as children, they may pretend that they are Sporting superstars and hence our interest in sports, but we don't have the same deep rooted appreciation for the same dates that women do.

For some guys, marriage is the day they stopped being the baller to end all ballers, and became a husband, a life partner responsible for the happiness of a union, throw in some added family pressure it's akin to waking up with a sack of bricks permanently attached to one's head. But we do it anyway. If that's not love, I dunno what is.

Myth 3: Men are Immature:

Men are not immature, we have adolescent habits that prove to be extremely confusing to women, but its because once we like something, we are pretty happy to continue doing them. No man I know who is hooked on video games or sports started playing when he was well into his 30's, once we develop an interest, we are consistent about adhering to them. One would think that women would appreciate this quality in men, however once those interests include womanizing, once can see why a gal would want a chap to change.

The root of the matter is that men suck at change, we like our youthful carefree selves and love doing the same things in our 30's that we did in our teens, it makes us feel cool. Perhaps, its sad and really does make men immature, but I took a poll and all of us agree that as long as it brings no direct harm to our partner, its totally fine. (One of my friends missed dinner with his fiance's parents because he was in the middle of his Football fantasy draft picks (he's 36 years old), in his defense, he did win).

Myth 4: Men are Terrible Communicators:

The truth is that we are very direct communicators, we don't have the desire to recount every detail of our day, we also are highly environmentally conscious and find using scare oxygen unnecessarily to be a huge environmental faux paux.

On a more serious note, men typically say what they mean and are very good at compressing tonnes of conversational material, deleting the inappropriate bits and concisely explain themselves. We say what we mean, and prefer to stick with it rather than overload others with superfluous information which doesn't directly pertain to them.

Myth 5: Men do not Feel:

This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing feelings. This is 100% down to how men are socialized, we are taught to compress our emotions and bury them under as many layers of feces as we can find. Some men choose to drown their feelings, typically in collaboration with their friends Jack, Jose and Jim (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo and Jim Bean).

Emotional self-expression is considered a useless trait for many men, in fact it is frowned upon; Grim and bear it, male kids are told to stop crying, girls are allowed to cope by expressing themselves, go figure. A part of being a man, is having a sense of stoic control; solely carrying the burden of responsibility no matter how heavy that may be. It's what we are taught, it's what we see and most importantly it how we function.

Just because men don't express emotions doesn't mean we don't feel. Women can enjoy figure skating competitions, yet not know how to skate. Men express their emotions through their actions; providing for their loved ones, giving that leads to concrete measurable results. We do as we feel, lip service isn't a by product we're comfortable with. So judge men by their actions, not necessarily by what they are able to say. It'll make a lot more sense.

Myth 5: Men are Insensitive to their Spouses Feelings

Men don't understand why small things have such large emotional implications on their spouses, nor do they particularly care. That's actually a lie, we do care, but after the days 12th mini crisis, we tend to avert our mind from the attention seeking behavior and devoting less emotional miles. We don't intend on becoming completely disconnected from our partners, but we put things in a simpler perspective.

It's not the end of the world if the neighbors bought the same car that you wanted in the first place, it doesn't change your attitude to that car. If you wanted it because it's a great car, what has materially changed? In fact, you'll have someone to compare notes with in case that car gives you trouble (If you don't like your neighbors, you can always crack their hood open and snatch a few spare parts).

Myth 6: Men are Controlling and Want Controllable Women:

Women feel that men have the inherent desire to be the alpha male and control their partners; hence desire a passive mate that may not be their intellectual equal. Men don't want a partner that will always say yes or are completely under their control. It's not exciting, or what a normal guy would sign up for but on the other hand, men don't want a lass who would rather be their mother than their partner. There is a balance.

Some guys are genuinely controlling, and a girl ought to know that if he was controlling before they get together, odds are that he'll be controlling well after. To each their own.

As a general rule, Men do want a measure of control, particularly in matters that pertain to both partners, but if its something guys are not good at, we strive to pretend to know what we're doing because the truth is, that we're always trying to be better than we actually are for the women in our lives. If we are controlling, its more paternalistic than alpha male. There is a widespread view, that after marriage, the responsibility for a girl shifts from her father to her husband. This is powerful motivation to maintain control and the truth is we're scared shit less of messing up (hence why when things go bad, we just marry another chick till we get it right, Yay 4 wives rule).

Myth 7: Men Care only about Sex:

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

Myth 8: Men Prefer Hanging with the Boys:

You'd be hard pressed to find a girl who doesn't have that complaint, particularly some time into a relationship. Relationships are a crap shoot, however the one constant besides family is the guys buddies. They are tried and tested, and are the safest place for a man to unwind, talk non-sense and act like he did in his previous decade. Even post marriage, men value those relationships.

Especially as they are typically longer than the duration of the relationship. It's also important to get good man bonding time, the more we get, the less irritable we are. Now the reason why guys do sometimes prefer hanging with the boys is that we take our bonds of brother hood very seriously, we have things to talk about that girls just wouldn't want to talk about (Sports, new gadgets, cars etc). End of the day, you barely get to see your guy friends once you've been lampooned by Cupids arrow. Sometimes you need to take time of for the boys.

Myth 9: Men are Romance Clueless;

The truth is that men are more romantic than woman. Men fall in love faster (they also usually take longer to admit it), but that's to some supremely gifted genetic wiring are able to move on quicker after a breakup (Goodbye bitch, Hello girl of My Dreams!). When a man meets a woman who has a lot of qualities they like, we stop taking in new information,as far as we are concerned, we've processed the necessary information.

Which makes it harder for guys to clearly see the things that they wouldn't like about her. Put it down to short attention span, or simply the desire to make a decision and get it over with, once the basics are set, we don't sweat the small (and sometimes not so small) stuff.

Myth 10: Men are Pigs:

Men are not pigs, or see women simply as objects of visual/physical pleasure. The truth is that we are wired to appreciate attractive women, much the same way a girl is wired to try to look desirable to attract a potential mate. When it comes to women, this is easily done with progressively fewer and more shapely articles of clothing, and results in a wide appeal to a man's more carnal desires.

However, just because our eyes are drawn, doesn't mean we are actively going to cheat. In baseball terms, as much as I'd like to draft Alex Rodriguez, I wouldn't because for one, it could be an expensive proposition, secondly, I'm happy with my current roster and thirdly, I think the idea would be ruined by the reality of actually having A-Rod on that company's books.

The Big Idea

Women live with in some magical dream world that you have to love everything about your mate. When there are certain habits that they don't appreciate, they add to the store of myths that women kind perpetuates. It's unhealthy and causes alot of heart ache. Chill outLadies, we Certainly do.

The cliche that you love people for their imperfections has a grain of truth to it, but it's realization that you enjoy spending time with that persons regardless of the unforseen imperfections There’s no formula for appreciating everything about someone regardless of how much we choose to love them. Everyone has their own unique and annoying little habits that we cannot totally ignore.

A man's bad habits shouldn't ruin the essence of your relationship with them. Is a guy that much worse a partner for leaving the toilet seat up? Focusing on trivial issues rather than the core of your partner could lead to constant and unnecessary worry about your compatibility. It goes without saying that you love your partner because of special qualities or characteristics that tugged at your heartstrings from the very first time. Ideally, loving every last thing about your man or woman is simply unrealistic and impossible, but as long as we continue to try to understand each other, we'll always be trying.

A version of this post has been published on dawn.com

The God & Suicide Bomber Story

Another day and yet another gruesome attack, this time a Shia procession and a subsequent attack at a Hospital. I can barely mourn for the dead anymore, this wave of violence has gone on for so long, than even the most squeamish amongst us has become increasingly desensitized to these attacks.

However, this time around, I can't help but lament over the nature of the targets. Military bases, government institutions, symbols of liberalism (such as co-ed schools) I can somewhat understand, perhaps in some warped way justify to myself that would make these targets tenable for the massacres inflicted.


However, when it comes to bombing a hospital, any esoteric weaving of logic I was able to do dissipates. They attacked a hospital, a place which they knew would be overflowing with the injured from Jihadist's earlier attack on the procession is simply unconscionable.

A hospital is a place of healing, regardless of who the patient is, what views they ascribe to. In fact, I doubt most hospitals even know what views (religious, political or otherwise) their patients hold. It's mindless, senseless and just brutal.


How do they know that the hospital wouldn't contain those who may actually support their agenda, it's not like they have a mailing list (the post office and computers are apparently tools of the infidel).


The isn't a war, Islamic and otherwise; its murder, plain flat and fucking simple. At the most basic level, in a war, civilian casualties are a by-product, not the goal.


Now in my pissed off state, I imagined a conversation God would have with one of these recently deceased self proclaimed 'Jihadist', I decided to call him Billy Islamacide, not only because his initials BI can also stand for butt fucked imbecile, but because the name Billy reminds me of billy goats, who are blessed with the most unfortunate scraggly facial hair and Islamacide is a good meld for mass murder using Islam as justification.


This is how I feel the story would go....

Once upon a time, there was a Suicide Bomber named Billy Islamacide, he attacked a hospital, died gloriously and went to meet God, so that he may be justly rewarded....

God: Welcome to the after life, Billy.
Billy Islamacide: Thank you my Lord, I am grateful to be here. I trust you are aware of the great sacrifices I have made in your name. I have killed many infidels and spread your glorious message of Islam, like the Prophet, his companions and missionaries before me.
God: You're not very smart Billy, I am God, I already know what you've done.
Billy: Of course, how silly of me. That's great! I imagine you must be very pleased with me!
God: Pleased doesn't quite justify how I feel.
Billy: I lived only to serve! I trust that you may be forgiving of my shortcomings. I strove to be the best Muslim I knew how to be, but I beg for your tolerance, I am imperfect.
God: Live to serve?...May I remind you that you are dead. Is Islam not a religion of tolerance?
Billy: Yes, and I have taken great pains to promulgate that message, we are extremely tolerant of those who follow the true message of Allah.
God: Billy, do you know what tolerance means?
Billy: er...sort off, but I think it's being nice to people, who don't always agree with you. For example, my homeboy Asad, I apologize for his lateness he should be here shortly, we're attacking a market tomorrow, thinks the Prophets favourite color was White, whilst I was like, haha silly boy, I am sure the Quran says that our glorious Prophets favored black, hence why the Mullahs wear black robes!
God: Prophet Muhammad's favourite color was green. He liked greenery, in fact he would water trees himself and ordered the Armies of Islam to not cut trees or cause such destruction on their war marches. As I am the one who composed the Quran, I can assure you that there is nothing in there about Prophet Muhammad's favourite color.
Billy: Oh...haha, of course, I must have misread that. Asad will find this so funny when he gets here....haha.
God: Billy, Have you read the Quran?
Billy: Of course I have, it is the most glorious perfect book in existence! In fact, its the only one I own. I burnt all the others!
God: Billy.....
Billy: Ok, I might have been stretching the truth there, I do own some issues of Play boy....
God: Billy....
Billy: Alright, Alright, I also have some issues of Butt Wild Gay Cowboys, but it was only for research purposes, you must know your enemy! and I was planning to burn them.
God: Billy, you can't read. Your followers think you can, but you don't.
Billy: Yes, my Almighty God, but in my defense I have recited and learned many verses from the Quran. Even though we were missing several holy pages, we were able to um...replace them.
God: and how was that Billy?
Billy: Well, we went into greater detail about killing fake Muslims and non-Muslims, just as you desired...
God: I did not desire it. Did your Prophet not live side by side with Jews, Christians and Idol Worshippers and treat them fairly?
Billy: Well, I don't remember reading that, but I'm sure his purpose was to eventually convert them to Islam by showing them the right path....
God: Then if that is the example he set, he allowed them free will, as is the right of every human being, why couldn't you do the same? You chose to make your point by killing your fellow man, MY CREATIONS, how is that not Murder?
Billy: It's not Murder, its Jihad! I did it for you, my Lord. I did it out of love, in hope that you would reward me! My intentions were pure. They were fake Muslims! They didn't follow your word! They deserve to die, at the very least this way they are an example for those who do not believe!
God: Your intentions were as pure as poison. What displeases me the most isn't that you killed, but you killed in my name, killed Muslims. You pretended to be a learned Islamic Cleric, whereas you hadn't fulfilled the most basic criteria. BTW, it is my prerogative to recognize who is a Muslim and who is not. If I wanted Non-Muslims dead, I would do it myself. You failed me.
Billy: But, they served as motivation to guide others to the right path and I am charitable, I fed, clothed and educated a dozen children!
God: Motivation and coercion are two different things. You stole children from their families and brain washed them with your doctrine of hate, whiles twisting my message of Love and tolerance. They was no real love, they were merely a means to an end. You intended to use them as an army of suicide bombers and you know that to be true as surely as I am God.

Billy: Are you sure your not Satan trying to play tricks on me?

God: No, but if I was, the trick I'd play was to let you think that you were getting a palace with 70 gorgeous virgins, whilst actually putting you in a dungeon with 70 rapists and murderers; All of whom are quite keen to score points with me by making you their raggedly doll bitch.

Billy: So what your saying is.....no 70 Virgins?
God: No, but I hear Satan has a pineapple strap on that he's looking to try, interestingly it's actually morphed with a porcupine and shark teeth. He sent me a picture from his I-Phone, you want to see? I even made an app for it.
Billy: God, no, please! But you're the most merciful, can't I repent somehow. Perhaps pray or compose a hip hop beat for the Quran?
God: Let me put it this way you illiterate cluster fucking idiot, if all of your victims, were willing to forgive you, which I can assure you that they are not, and even if they do, their progeny would not, you robbed them of their fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. When it's all said and done, you pissed me off, and that takes some doing as I'm a fairly temperate sort of fellow. I wouldn't forgive you for besmirching my name and committing murder. There are, and should always be, limits to my mercifulness and unfortunately for you I get to decide what they are, in fact if you used your brain and read your 'favourite book' you'd know what they were; You crossed that line with zealot like fervor and a big smile on your face. You can't be ruthless to others and expect mercy for yourself.
Billy: But....but....
God: Got to Hell (seriously, that is where you are going), and trust me, your hairy pimply butt will definitely be a focal point there.
Billy then goes to Hell
The End

Credit Cards are Like a Bad Relationship...

Credit Cards; We all own one, and how can we not? They promise so much yet deliver so little. Much like a relationship.... You never know what your really getting yourself into until your stuck counting the cost. But how do you explain it's impact on someone who hasn't owned one?

If there was ever a recipe for bad romance, credit cards are it. I sure hope credit card companies and debt collectors have a sense of humor about what they do.

When you meet someone you like, you feel very happy, you see how others act around her, and you can't help but want her for yourself. Lets call her Madame Visa. You are hesitant to apply, after all, is she really worth the commitment, is she someone you want to take home to meet your parents? Someone to rely on a during a pricey family dinner maybe? 

Once you scrounge up the courage and apply for her good graces, you can't help feel hesitant. After all who knows what your past history will reveal; A faulty credit score is a tough thing to get over. But who knows? Maybe if you've been prudent your entire life you haven't been with her fickle friends Madame's MasterCard, American Express and Discovery. You might be safe. You pray that she doesn't scorn you over your past involvements. After all, they're in the past baby, I'm sure with you it'll be different. Magical even. I know your the right one for me! 

If she says yes and embraces your hand with all the comfort you dreamed off. You can't help but enjoy how magical it feels. She accepts and chooses you. She will support you (with 0% for the first 6 months even) and even give you 2% cash back, all because she is so fine that all business want you, treat you special even, just so you you come visit. All because of the lovely lady nestled in your outstretched palm.  

You think it's poor taste to swipe her once too often, after all, she is special, but you can't help but show her off and how powerful you feel with Madame Visa clutched onto your fingertips.  

How can you help but not fall in inexplicably love with her? She always says yes to your most arduously hidden desires, should you buy a light pink man-purse complete with a humidifier for $399, yes! After all, its less than $400 and she will feel oh so protected in there. 

It is only after that glow new loves brings to fade that you discover the problems that a real relationship brings. She is no longer as comforting anymore, she grows distant, disinterested even and at times severely demanding. 

You acquiesce by throwing money at the problem, the 38.95% rate is no problem, anything to keep Madame Visa happy. She wants and expects the best. After all, you knew what you were getting into....didn't you read the fine print? You find that your 'investment' in Madame Visa's happiness is really an expensive hobby....nay your life in fact. Until the day when tempers fray she humiliates you by declining your affections in public. 

You fight, you cry, you scream and you beg to be placed back in her good graces, but alas. You try and you swipe, but it is done. You have been declined. Someone takes Madame Visa off you and cuts her into small pieces, much like your heart and the realization that you are no longer whole. Your life will never be the same. To have loved and lost, is better than to never have loved at all. You will eventually recover, and hopefully learn from your past and trust your heart to someone who will really take care of you and know when to say no. A trusty debit card perhaps.    

When you get a card, you feel happy, suddenly you feel like you can do anything (as far as your limit allows). New frontiers open up as your no longer constrained by the pesky prudent limits of your disposable income, in short you love your shiny new credit card. You feel that the card and its minimal introductory fees are truly an investment, much like a nice shiny charcoal grey power suit. 

In fact, maybe you'll splurge on that awesome suit you saw at Barney's, imagining your co-workers' complements flowing on how great you look, how your boss will see how you've taken your look to a new level and are now ready for a big promotion (not to mention an earth shattering) raise and how that hot new receptionist's knees are going to buckle just seeing you gliding regally in that suit of Kings. 

Master of the Universe indeed, and your plastic lover, Madame Visa is your king maker. 

Well, you buy the suit (along with shoes, tie, belt, silk briefs and a watch), swiping your card away with care free abandon with the full knowledge that its 0% for 6 months. You don't care what it will cost, after all, your forthcoming raise will probably more than cover it all. It's an investment in the future.

Fast forward 6 months and no one has really complemented you on your suit, minus your co-workers cursory, "Is that a new suit, gee that's nice" before going back to their desks (after all, your bonus is based on the work you do, not what you wear while doing it you twat!), your bosses look at your (mostly) shiny suit silently fume that you bought a nicer suit than the ones that they are wearing and privately wonder if its because your going for an interview.... you disloyal brat! And the pretty receptionist doesn't notice your gargantuan investment, after all she sees hundreds of suits every day, what does she care/know if you splurged on a new expensive one, she's more concerned about her date with the Managing Director and the ride he promised her in (or perhaps on) his new fully loaded company issued Mercedes! 

To add insult to injury, you just saw the same suit you splurged on, on discount at Men's Warehouse no less....the nerve! 

6 months of good living start coming back to haunt you....0% is history, now your rate has ballooned to 38.95%.  Making those payments means drastically reducing spending, time to start bringing a sandwich to work. Cereal diet takes on a whole new meaning...if you splurge, its on the dollar menu at Mc Donalds. Time to down grade from Grey goose, to "affordable yet still tasty" Bud Lite. No more nights out at that hot new VIP clubs; trucker dive bars are the new name of the game (Hello STD ridden biker gals)....maybe it's time to hawk your suit before the debt collector walks in. 

And whilst all this is happening, you wistfully think, perhaps you shouldn't have insisted on getting bottle service to impress your entourage (and the honey's) every time you went out, or rented that expensive BMW for your road trip home. After all you wanted everyone to remark on how amazingly successful you are. But alas, it was but a lie, funded by Madame Visa and now she wants it all back.....with an egregious amount of interest. 

Your plastic friend was a burning plastic fiend in disguise. Now its too late. Your screwed. You wanted a life partner, and what you got was a temperamental mistress. Treat her well, and she'll be good to you for a while, but as time goes on her demands grow more the irrational, after all, paying a monthly minimum credit card of $800 per month is insane! But you must grim and bear it. After all who wants to be alone and reconvene that feeling of powerlessness?

The lesson to be learned here is that a good life is expensive, full of expectations and imperfections which we are desperate to hide to the world. Unfortunately life isn't quite so simple, even happiness has its costs. Lets just hope for your own sake that it's not as expensive as a Credit Card. But if your really good and really lucky, you will one day find that magical card that will make your life all the better for a life time.    

Marriages; Arranged or Love....Are they Really That Different?

"All the Worlds a Stage and all the Men and Women are merely Players"
-William Shakespeare

I was recently asked to write an article on the virtues of Arranged Marriage Vs. Love Marriages. This is what I came up.

1. Arranged Marriages: Long gone are the days where the family merely informed you of your own wedding via shaadi card, with strict instruction on what to wear and what time to be there. No one gets married anymore to satisfy their family, unless you are gay, and then you don't really care who you marry as long as you get to keep your extra large closet to yourself.

However, some key elements still remain. Your family does the match making, you have a partial decision (though usually if either party respectfully declines, its all good unless the parents are bosom buddies and in that case your completely screwed, 'how dare he not want to marry my perfect daughter/son, does he think he's too good for us"). At this point it may not be a good time to note that their 'perfect daughter' is about as intelligent as a tub of face cream (Think Brain Mush), as sweet tempered as Attila the Hun (refer to your history books) and has as much in common with you as Tom Green (see 'Freddy got Fingered' for Details). Rejection from either side hurt, so you try to humor parents by sitting through pointless dinners till you can find a reason for reject the match (In terms of being matched with a brown girl, saying that you heard she is crazy, ought to do it, but don't be specific, leaving it vague allows for imaginations to run wild; particularly as your actually right, and all brown women are born a little off their rockers.)

2. Love Marriages: Its your own choice...but how independent is it? Your lifestyle circumstances, friends, work place, college choice do the match making (fate), the decision is mostly up to you (very rarely do I see marriages where the parents disapprove of a choice (religious grounds excluded)) but that said, it depends on how the relationship dynamic works. There is exceedingly popular the 'I just want to be friends, even though you don't angle' (both persons are usually aware of this, if not then respective IQ levels ought to be examined), though the "hey we're dating" piece becomes more prevalent, as our cultural values shift. But the main relationship development is stress free as the couple develop an understanding based on their mutual desire for a shared future (for men, the tenure of that future is likely to be shorter). But once they are "ready to go public"/tell the parents, good luck and if your a guy, you had better pray that the girl meets all/most of the family requirements (in Pakistan, parents are more particular on who their sons marry as the daughters usually move in). As long as they fit most of the basic requirements, parents are usually willing to go along with it all (though expect vicious back ground checks).

Perhaps parents have realized that its their kids lives, and they should be allowed to make their own choices (highly unlikely). I personally think it has something to do with wanting grand kids and lacking good reasons for rejection (saying she's not perfect enough doesn't work anymore). Though God help you if you decide to break it off....Seriously. That news spreads like wild fire and you know your officially cut off from main stream society when Aunties forget who you are, and when they eventually remember they start their "tsk tsks" and start jabbering in excited voices about why the marriage was called off (the contents of which are unintelligible jabber...secret code language for the Auntie Fellowship). Pariah's Anonymous meeting invitations will ensue.

3. Arranged Love Marriage: This devious form of marriage set up stems from family and extended relatives quietly acting from behind the scenes and setting up casual encounters for a potential couple to meet; Ever wonder why you keep running into girls with their mothers at Coffee Shops, now you know why (Aunties don't even bloody drink Coffee you fools, In Pakistan they fuel up on Tea!). The result of these casual encounters may be to ascertain the level of attraction, but more likely they figure that the more time they spend together, the more likely they are to shack up (life sentence pre-requisite).

It could entail dancing at 6 different mehndi and mysteriously being partnered up with the same partner for all 36 dances....coincidence? (Only a guy might think so or derive some logical explanation that would sound like 'we dance well together', 'she thinks I'm hot', 'She's creeped out by the other guys', 'I promised my Mom I'd look after her'). It's probably the kind that makes the most sense, until you figure out that your a pawn. But at least it seemed spontaneous and bloody good luck that you met such a fine compatible partner (your probably evaluating the odds of how rarely that happens).

After taking time out for contemplation/my nap was over, I came to several streams of thought. Why would anyone put themselves through being set up by their family, friends, etc? Its the same reason people are drawn to Internet dating. No one wants to be alone, we all have a human desire to be loved and cherished. Now in Pakistani society, the best way to navigate the behemoth of cultural carcass and expectations, is by being willing to be a functionary of the system. Let others provide 'suggestions' on whats best with you (the force of the suggestion can be directly correlated to the size and weight of the bag the Auntie is carrying).

In order to find a suitable partner, one is told to look for certain things that would make their parents (and various mega bag wielding Aunties) happy. This could be religion, social class, education, family back ground, looks, cooking ability etc. Now doing this on ones own, is a pretty momentous task (particularly if you have a job/life/responsibilities).

After all, In the Love Marriage set up, you don't ask these questions until you get to know the person (by which time your hormones have already decided for you). However, in the Arranged Marriages & Arranged Love Marriage frame work, one is already interacting with approved candidates. So if you like them, then it's already a pre-approved match. Everything to gain if you will.

Think of it in terms of credit cards, if your pre-approved for a really good advantageous rewards card, then that's a great thing; Good rates, excellent advantages and benefits/cool stuff, but you don't want to be the one trolling for crappy cards with hidden fees etc; Does "Special introductory rate of 0% (for 3 months, after which rate will be 215.76% per anum)" sound familiar? 

We all want the best possible card, but we are all wary of the final costs, the fine print and how our lives will be changed because of it. Sometimes we appreciate the general prodding in the right direction, other times we prefer to DIY (Do it yourself).