Happy Birthday President Musharruf!

Hail Fuhrer…I mean Dear President Musharruf (do we get to keep calling you that or did we strip you off the right to call yourself that too?)

Anyhow I bet you think we all forgot, but we totally didn’t, it’s your birthday! Happy 67^th Birthday Mushi 2010! What are you like 30 years old now? You look all vibrant and stuff with your 261,620 facebook buds and hip London pad. Now, we have a big surprise for you, because we know you like Unexpected Presents! After all, that’s a fair description of how you stumbled into power.

 Infact we are so awesome and generous as a people we got you two gifts. I know, we shouldn't have.

Firstly, oops, you were right we admit it, our politicians are corrupt soul sucking fiscal account leeching scoundrels. We know how you tried to warn us, be we were all hyped up about this democracy thing, but you sure knew what you were talking about. But it’s not like you can blame us, the politicians promised us that they’d behave better….they promised naa

Secondly, we got you….wait for it….President of PAKISTAN! Now, I know it’s kinda lame, but Pakistan was just too damn big to properly wrap even and lately it’s been leaking water everywhere and think of all of those protestor fires as if they were candles….might be a few more than 67, but you get the idea. We’d offer up some cash but we don’t really have any. Quick question; do you accept payment in smiles?

Please excuse our insincere dysfunctional gifts, but things have gone a bit awry since you…um went on vacation. Rampant inflation, hurricanes, energy shortages, target killings, nut job local Taliban, unemployment, planes crashing and now widespread floods….. We blamed most of it on you and the rest on the most convenient Zionist conspiracy we could find.  Cheer up old bean, look on the bright side you don’t really have to do much to exceed our now neglible expectations!

We even know how to fund your come back, the President’s Relief fund! (Which reminds me, Zardari wants to know if he can sublet your pad in London at a discounted rate?). We lost your uniform, but we’re sure that Nawaz Sharif’s old boy scout uniform will fit you nice and tight. It’ll come in handy when we shoot your Pakistan come back commercial for 14^th August. You’ll be dancing with a Pakistani Flag on the glaciers of Siachen to the tune of ‘Truly Madly Deeply’; Savage Garden wasn’t available, but Salman Ahmed offered to step in. We got Ali Azmat, he was just plain cheaper....oh Lux is sponsoring. 

We hope you’ve kept that dastardly smile and puffed up chest in good shape. After the military’s sterling flood relief efforts, Pakistani would definitely appreciate having a military man steer the ship (we mean you, not Kayani; we can’t get him to take a demotion to president)

Mushi, on the occasion of your 67, we humbly offer you the second most powerful post in all the lands; Sorry, but you’ll have to report to Kayani like everyone else.

Pakistani People

PS: You might want to take the long leisurely sea cruise route back to Pakistan. Flight safety in Pakistan; not so great as of late.

PSS: We promised Marvi Memon, that you’d let her sing ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ on your return. Fear not, we got you some German made ear muffs.

Bored? Attack Humanitarian Aid Vessels

Israeli warships attacked at least one of the six ships carrying pro-Palestinian activists and aid for blockaded Gaza. The al Jazeera satellite channel reported that Israeli navy forces fired at the ship and boarded it, wounding the captain. 



Israel pointed the finger of blame at the activists on the boats, accusing them of initiating the deadly bloodshed when they attacked a naval boarding force with live fire, knives and clubs on some of the six ships.


The military said “it seems as if part of the participants onboard the ships were planning to lynch the forces.”
“As a result of this life-threatening and violent activity, naval forces employed riot dispersal means, including live fire,” it said.


Mark Regev, spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, too blamed the passengers.
“They initiated the violence,” Regev told AFP. “We made every possible effort to avoid this incident. The servicemen were given instructions that it was to be a police operation and to use maximum restraint.


Israeli officials said overnight the navy told the activists by radio to turn back toward Cyprus or head for the Israeli port of Ashdod to unload the 10,000 tonnes of aid, which Israel would then transfer to the Palestinians in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip.

The convoy set off in international waters off Cyprus on Sunday in defiance of an Israeli-led blockade of Gaza.

The flotilla was organised by pro-Palestinian groups and a Turkish human rights organisation. Turkey had urged Israel to allow it safe passage and said the 10,000 tonnes of aid the convoy was carrying was humanitarian.

Details are sketchy, which they typically are whenever Israel is involved, which I imagine gives their spin doctors time to figure out what the fuck their tact is going to be, but preliminary reports suggest that Israel boarded a ship that was part of a convoy carrying humanitarian supplies such as food and medicine to gaza, and in the midst of waving their guns about, the passengers didn't take kindly to the Israeli forces forces presence and eventually around twenty people were killed and as many fifty were wounded. Then again other reports are like 19. We'll find out eventually. But even I couldn't initially fathom why Israel would attack the 'Freedom Flotilla'. Was it to prove that they are in control? Is this an exercise on how 'bad ass are we' or 'we do what we want'?

Now to be fair, the Israeli forces did declare that they would not allow the ship to reach the Hamas controlled Gaza strip, when they say embargo they mean embargo, but that said with all of the casualties on the Humanitarian Aid Providing Activists (the kind of committed people that make the rest of us feel like shit), I wonder how many Israeli troops were killed in the encounter.....yep. zero.

Now in their defense they may have been dressed in Kevlar, and there wasn't any tear gas handy, or perhaps the Israeli Warships didn't know when the ships rudder was in order to disable it, but regardless, the threat from these 700 knife wielding, fish throwing, gun toting, food delivering activists couldn't have been very strong if they injured only four Israeli sailors...hell, you can injure four guys just by climbing onto a boat. Especially, when they are black commando clad Israeli special forces bad asses being dropped from helicopters onto the ship.

Yes....So, when Israeli ministry said a quaint little 'boarding party' what they really meant was heavily armed guys dressed from head to toe in black being dropped onto the decks of ships at 4:30am.....seriously...has everyone gone cuckoo cuckoo? This is straight out of a Steven Segal flick. All we need now is some martial arts mayhem. Pity there weren't any Japanese Ninja's on board.

Now, I'm a rather open minded fellow. I don't blindly hate Israel or the Jews, because I think it's plain silly. I particularly turn into rock star mode when some religious fundamentalist conspiracy driveling walking Humiliation on Islam finds it in his place to inform me of the power of the Zionist conspiracy and then proceeds to talk about various things he see's on the internet. Because naturally, if your as poorly educated as this fella, once you read something, it must be Quranic....

To any here who feel particularly uncharitably to the World's Jewish Population, consider this. The Prophet treated the Jewish Citizens of the Arab Nations fairly and gave them freedom from religious persecution. Islam is a religion of Tolerance. You can't just be tolerant when you find it convenient or your peeved off at facebook. People are people yo. Some good, some bad, mostly shades of grey. Israel just gets the most crap.

Anyhow, back to the point, I have to say, I think Israel fucked up huge here. They were told that the ship would be coming, turkey assured them that it was carrying only humanitarian aid, there are no Israeli fatalities, no  footage (as yet) showing the belligerent hippies attacking the Israeli forces and worst of all the ships are full of journalists (including Pakistani channel Aaj TV's own Talat Hussain).

Now the right question is why not deliver the food to the Israeli's in the first place and let them hand it off. Well, firstly they don't trust the Israelis'. After all, if it wasn't for the bombing, attacks, land disputes etc, those supplies of food and medicine wouldn't be necessary in the first place. And secondly, Israel actually has no right to create that embargo. The reason they get away with it is because no one else in the region has either the balls or the navy to take on Israel's fleet.

The News black out created by a freaked out Israeli information service is hardly going to help when all of those peeved off, shot at, internet publishing journalists take our their laptops and take aim at the blundering Israeli military. By the end of it, they'll make it look like Israel carpet bombed a Toys R Us. Huge Fuck Ups. They need to hire the guy who designed this....

Fire the Military Strategist that thought it was a good idea to attack a Humana-fucking-tarian Convoy. Or just have Mossad make that imbecile disappear. Next time, find a few of your own 'Free Palestine' Israeli Jews and put them on the boat. It'll look way tolerant...and actually good PR for a change.

It Ain't Easy Being a Man

Why I Wrote This: 

I've been often informed what tragically difficult lives women lead, from being genetically forced to bear children (do the math on the marriage rate if you couldn't), cultural pressure, inequality etc, now, this annoys me, particularly if it doesn't actually apply to you and just like to just because it's fashionable to whine about it, because at some point in the future you expect yourself to be tormented by societies expectation. I get it, it's not cake walk being a girl, but lets clear something up, join the freaking club; it's no easier being a guy.

I doubt most/any women will agree with me (Mankind; losing arguments against women since Adam & Eve "why don't you just try  the apple?...one small bite"), but guys have our own set of problems;

Show me the Money (or at least tell me how much you make):  There is a huge concern by all parties (particularly match making Aunties) on how much of it we make. That's our damn business. Period.

Now some guy's are comfortable talking about their monthly 6 figure salaries, but it's a freaking recession for god's sake, it seems like really bad form. Going forward, post marriage, this exacerbates even further; It's a man responsibility to make the dough, if a women decides to bring in a nice chunk of change, then that's great, but ultimately it's the guys duty. 

For the very practical reason that if and God willing when a couple decide to have kids, the loss of the female partners salary shouldn't drastically hurt their standard of living. If it dips in the slightest, then it's the man's fault and he's culturally skewered for it.

Perfect Partner Syndrome; Girl's like to talk about the pressure they are under to get married and find the right guy. Join the club, for guy's the stakes are much higher. In Pakistan, when a couple gets married, the couple usually move into the guy's family home (tradition rather than necessity, unless you are a broke young couple). A wife seems a lot less perfect when she live in family home than they do if the couple simply lived in a different zip code. 

If it's a 'love' marriage, then hell, it's a diplomatic catastrophe waiting to happen. Because the guy will always be blamed for not bringing home an appropriate girl. Try placating your own mother and partner at the same time without taking sides, whilst living in the family home...I dare you. 

Job Pains: Job: If a guy has a boring, repetitive job, he ought to smile and bear it; to add insult to injury, he's made to feel that he's not working hard enough to find something better, on the other hand if a woman has a boring repetitive job its exploitation.

Lord help a guy if he tries to defend why women make less than men; it’s because you (married women) took 3 years off to have kids, you need to be home at a certain hour to be with the kids and employers are perpetually scared that any day now you are going to get up, get married and then quit (after she has used all of her paid leaves, and blame it on family pressure). Note: Can someone please explain me why there isn’t enough money left over from a ladies salary to pay for domestic staff? 

Career Orientations: Women don't have careers, they have hobbies, guys on the other hand are expected to have career goals. Plenty of women quit their 9-5's once they get married, or in the very least when they have children, a guy has no way out. Trust me, a lot of guys I know would love to wake up late mornings, yell at the sweeper for being lazy and then take an afternoon nap, but we don't get that option. 

Workplace Competition: Women rights activists lament how few women there are in the workplaces, now as true as that may be guys have a different spectrum of expectations; men compete with other men for position and growth, for women, there is no pressure to succeed, at best they get to kill time, make a good salary and find a man. 

If a women comes in, does well and gets promoted ahead of an similarly qualified guy, that’s equal opportunity; and that’s quite nice and all, the office might be treated to some cake. If a guy gets promoted ahead of a girl, it’s favoritism, nepotism and unfairism. We’d be lucky to get a Congrats card and a high five out of it.

Errands & odd jobs: Does 'can you grab the laundry, fix the tap and bring the pile of bricks indoor' sound familiar, well if your a guy you've heard some version of this exploitation. Even though a guy will (eventually) do it, in our heard we're screaming, why can't you grab the laundry? Do I look like a plumber? And what part of I have a slipped disk in my back did you not understand and can you please tell me why we bought a pile of bricks? In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s taking advantage of her. In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s the asshole who is taking advantage of her.

Women who make couple oriented decisions without men are liberated, men who make decisions without consulting their partners are chauvinistic. Go Figure. I guess we’ll continue to grim and bear it (worked so far). 

Acting Pain Vacant: men are never allowed to express pain, if they do, they are labeled as wimps. When a guy cuts his hand, he is required to profess that he feels no pain, needs no medical attention, and that it's nothing......For the love of God his hand is bleeding, there is blood every where and if he doesn't get a bandage, some pain killers and a Smoothie he's going to pass out. 

Guy feel pain, since we're obligated to act tough, it makes it awfully difficult to cheerily proclaim that it happens all the time and it doesn't hurt at all....really.....When women give birth, are they expected to extol how the pain is non-existent? No, the doctor shoots them up with as many drugs as legally permissible, and still it sounds like the delivery room has a collection of dying banshees. 

What do we Own: Guys are judged by their watches, suits, wallets, car's, houses and their (preferably offshore) bank accounts. 

Women are judged on their (preferably hot) looks and clothes, even if you factor in the cost of drastic plastic 'corrective' surgery, which do you is tougher to accumulate and is more superficial.  

With the growing trend of Pre-Nups, it's almost like it's like guys are being audited for a reverse long-term prostitution contract. 'So if we stay together 3 years and have 2 kids you owe me 12 million a month'. Lovely.  

Dating Women Expenditures: For men it is a privilege to pay for a date, and that should always remain true. But unless you are making serious bank, having to take your girl friend to upscale snob restaurants like Aqua Lounge and Okra on a weekly basis gets extraordinarily expensive, unless your family shits money. 

Shopping expeditions is a whole different story, if we're dragged along, it's not for advice (we're obligated to say, you look good in anything sweetie), it's to tactfully pick up the bill bill and pretend that we really really want to. When guy’s see a girl shopping bill, we see a potential X-box down the drain.

The Big Idea:  It sucks being a guy just as much as it does a girl, society judges in many of they ways that they do women. And to be honest, we’re okay for that, it’s the price we pay for being men. We’ll grim, bear it and pretend that it’s no burden at all. And to be honest, it should be hard, but if society & women in particular can make our lives a little bit easier, that would be wonderful. We’d return the favor. 

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article is printed with great reluctance on Dawn.com

Peace in the Middle East

My latest brainstorm is solving the hold Israel/Palestinian conflict, it involves a complex electoral method where.....yeah I'm kidding, but I had you guys going there for a second.....



Here is basis my theory, people in the the disputed territories are sad, they've lost loved ones and homes on both sides, Palestinians get a lot of sympathy & lip service but not much else, Israel gets US. Support, but is constantly threatened by its neighbors. All sides have a valid point (If your response to this post so far was "where is the middle east" or "I didn't they were fighting out there", feel free to take an old stack of newspapers and bludgeon yourself to death with it).


So I have several key measures;


1. Invite Russell Peters, Chris Rock, Carlos Mencia (I don't think he's really all that funny, but even without some head gear he'll in all likelihood be mistaken for an Arab by the locals), Dane cook, the Blue collar comedy tour etc for a series of shows in the disputed territories. That they are funny is undoubtedly true, but I'm also betting that they are actually universally funny and that they're jokes will hold up in cultural translation. For eg. I'm sure folks in Israel/Palestine can also laugh along with redneck stereotypes of marrying your first cousin.....in fact it may be mainstream (Dunno if it is too mainstream, I don't believe in evidenciary support, I put it down my beliefs in conspiracy theories, the most longstanding one is that all Science is a conspiracy against the oppressed Mullahs).


I also feel that people who laugh together, eventually buddy up and find ways to get along, humanizes their adversaries. Once their laughing endorphins flow through their respective blood streams the feel good factor emerges, and they'll be way more likely to chill and who knows maybe even be homies. And Has anyone noticed that terrorists emerge from countries that have terrible comedy shows (ok, Afghanistan doesn't really have enough local TV yet, but still Saudi Arabia is terrible.... 9/11; 15-19 hijackers).
Anyway, worst comes to worst, the audience collectively hates them all and finds something in common with each other....win win either way.


2. Pretend to find Oil: Every developed country in the world plus China will make it their number one priority to solve the crisis. Even the socialist nations will find it imperative to help their Arab/Jewish brethren. Unrelenting amounts of Economic aid will be promised, favourable trade treaties, Infrastructure development treaties, maybe even schemes to reclaim a huge chunk of Sea for new settlements; the whole turkey will all the fixings if you will. They'll make it so attractive to make a deal, that both sides can't help but do it. The last round of negotiations will look like this;


Israeli Premier Benjamen 'I Likud looking tough' Natanyahu "Alright Mahmoo (Mahmoud 'I like being Head of State of a Powerless nation" Abbas), you can have Jerusalem but that means your family will have come over to our place for Hunnaka and New Years....I insist."

Hell the United States may even partner up with Fiji again and make a coalition of the willing, drop another 150,000 troops (10 of which will be from Fiji) to keep the peace.

One reason that this may actually work and the western world would actually try to fix the over arching issues rather than pull another African job where the locals can be bribed, the folks down their aren't particularly fearful of their governments. Israelis because they believe in democracy (they would also be very expensive to bribe) and Palestinians don't notice if they have a government half the time. Then again, the flip side may be that Al-Qaeda may suddenly appear to have a strong presence in Palestine/Israel and then you get Afghanistan style bombing and an invasion....but such are the risks of life.

All hell will however break loose once they realize that there is no Oil there.....so this is a plan without an end game....

3. Have a block party, have Britney Spears, Madonna, Rolling Stones and U2 perform along with religious figures singing 'All you need is love' from Love Actually, and everyone will tear up and make peace. Afterwards Bono can be joint President of both Countries.