Defending My Petty Little Blogosphere

Blogging is good, Blogging is democratic, Blogging is the debate of ideas and an avenue for self expression. Some may find bloggers desire to write offensive, and that is fine. I’d like to turn their attention to their computers ‘Shutdown’ setting.

If one doesn’t like what my blog or any particular message board they stumble across says, then by all means, don’t participate. Because it is the ability to participate in the debate is what makes the blogosphere democratic and unique.

Blogging, is my right. If I or any other member of the blogosphere decides to express our own opinion, then that should be lauded (I laud myself all the time). It is when one represses the rights of individuals that one spreads terrorism.

There is nothing more important to a society straining to attain a health democracy than diversity of thought and multiple platforms of expression, unless one advocates a ‘controlled democracy’ (read totalitarian society; we’ve tried that, it doesn’t work).

If one finds it acceptable to restrict what people think into their own personal realm of accepted views, then perhaps they prefer the days preceding the internet. However, in this time and age, short of banning the internet, one had better accept the notion that one can’t restrict writers from expressing themselves, in the blogosphere or otherwise.

Here are the primary criticisms of the blogosphere

A: Bloggers are far too young to write intelligibly

It's my generation that taught the um… ‘experienced’ (by experienced I mean Older) generation of writers how to use their fancy 'laat-top' to bang out their artfully crafted pieces, check their gmail and make their own fan pages on book-face (in the vain hope that the government would ban them).

With no offense intended on Pakistan’s glorious veteran truth speaking establishment, I doth do protest (as is my right; I checked). As old as some of these distinguished experienced journalists may be, I imagine that back in the 1800’s some were still in the pinnacle of their youth and attempting to learn their trade, becoming great at journalism or any other field requires time, patience and accountability and most of all, a platform.

Being old doesn't give one a patent on being able to write any more than my chaiwalla is a banker.

B: That Bloggers know nothing, and that only experienced Journalists hold the elixir of truth in their soft hands, hence ought to have the exclusive privilege to spread their message

Ideas matter, and if we’d like to live in a society with actual freedoms, we have to shy away from debating in fear. It is the ideas that pulsate on the blogosphere that reflect what people are thinking.

News will be news, one cycle after another. Journalists will always remain relevant, but it is the response to news items that adds to the realm of debate even more crucially than the original news pieces themselves.

As terrific as the news that emanates from this country of ours, the response is what really matters. If the Hindu community is viciously attacked by fanatics, do we raise our voices or mutter something about ‘them finally accepting Islam’.

C: Bloggers actually care what others think.

We don’t, my own personal writing and thinking fetish aside it may be pertinent to note we all shall pass from the earth at some point, if our legacy is to be our deeds, our ideas fall in that category.

Long after we are gone, our ideas will live on, and does it really matter if one doesn’t like it?

Well, they can write a blog about it.

A version of this piece was published in the Tribune

Council of Man: Man Made Movement!

Pakistani’s need a new kind of political force to sweep the nation, (not another sycophantic NGO or dissident party), I think it's time for a party that will represent MEN. I'd like to introduce The Man Made Movement (MMM), not to be confused with the dissident Jamaat Islami offshoot ‘Majalis and Maulanas Rock Movement’.

The Party shall be run by the Council of Man; Members are to include Movie Star Shaan, Rocker Ali Noor, Cricketer Shahid Afridi, Celebrity George Clooney, Golfer/Womanizer Tiger Woods and PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt. I nominate myself as communications director and the Chief Councilor of MMM (CM).

Our official symbol will be the Man Salute (Borat style High Five, followed by chest bump) to be recognized as the official symbol for Peace, Love and Brotherhood. We are also willing to undertake the risk of Swine flu and other diseases spreading exponentially, which would increase pharmaceutical firms share price and hence attract foreign investors.

In an innovative new concept, our parliamentary votes will openly be for sale, probably via E-bay. A significant percentage of the revenues will be used for the upliftment of men, the remaining portion is expected to stimulate the entertainment sector's contribution to the western notion of 'Bachelor Parties'....we also recommend Las Vegas trips....strongly.

There seems to be outrage over parliamentarians entitled perks, we feel that this needs to be corrected immediately and the PR be turned over to the MMM communications staff. The MMM advocates a position where all of the various perks such as Free Chai, Peons, Land Cruisers, Salary, Security detail, Air travel etc. This will be explained in exhaustive detail and used as part of an advertising campaign to actively recruit the youth into considering a career in politics....worked for the Armed Forces. Alternatively, bankers and other high level corporate positions packages can be revealed and vilified through the media.

Men’s Rights Bills;

There seem to be a lot of bills floating around for Women, I think men ought to get in on the action as well. After all, we vote too!!!

Men's Anti-Violence Bill; where forcing men to roam bazaars with women is deemed an affront to a man's emotional condition. We recommend Lassi treatments.

Battered Men bill; for men who are beaten by their wives. The men will be sentenced to bootcamp/prison for 6 months and will emerge as a Desi version of Rambo, complete with Vedera moustache and long range chalia spitting skills.

Man-ic depression to be recognized as a medical problem and special vacation leaves will be established (men love holidays); if women get maternity leave, so should guys....guys know how exhausting it is to work fulltime, manage their wives and their children all at the same time. We deserve some time off…preferably away in Dubai.

Establishment of a Man Rehabilitation Centre: A man exclusive treatment centre, Guys will be retaught the basics of fight club, how to watch cricket, smoke a Sheesha, blow smoke rings and curse like a man, be proficient in Kabbaddi, beaten to a pulp on a daily basis and be conditioned not to cry. For extra fees, complete emotional detachment courses will also be covered. We propose the location to be near an all girls college.

WORK PLACE:

We advocate a permanent 5 day work week, working 6 days a week is highly annoying, though we are mindful of the fact that women feel that they live in perpetual a 7 day work week. We feel that if MMM is successful in procuring an extra day off Pakistan’s largely male workforce will increase their productivity, be less irritable, enhance their family communication skills and help out more in the house work.....maybe...

FOREIGN POLICY:

Influence on Foreign Policy: High Fives being the way the President and other high level diplomats meet foreign leaders, it'll make Pakistan seem cooler to our allies and we'll get more foreign aid money; “Aw shucks, I had to give them the USD 5 billion Aid Package, he high fived me and let us have the meeting at a golf course, those Pakistani dudes is awesome.”

We also propose giving the United States and other key Allies fake keys to the nuclear arsenal. If they ever try accessing it, we can blame the Indian Locksmith we used.

SPORTS:

We all want seats on the parliamentary committee for sport. And free tickets to sporting events, yes, it's corrupt, but we are okay with it.  In exchange the party guarantees support any legislation related to religious morality. Quid pro quo.  

Sponsor and Host the first ever Man Olympics; Burping, farting and Eating contests, as well as tests of endurance of who can watch sports for the longest time without falling asleep. Events such as long distance spitting and arm wrestling are also under consideration. We conservatively project revenues from sponsorship, tourism and participation fees to be in the billions.

Holidays on all major and minor sporting occasions coupled with guarantees of no load shedding during sporting events. If we fail to support our national teams via television viewer ship ratings then we are indeed Un Patriotic Pakistani and our players have every reason to fix matches.

MISC:

World Peace bill: because we are international like that and demanding Peace is good inane politics. Precocious amount of blame will be leveled at Zionist scum for political pandering purposes.

A National What Up Day! A day celebrating ‘what up’, this will not just be for guys, but everyone. Every Pakistani citizen will be legally ‘encouraged’ (Anti-Terrorism Police and Rangers will be in charge of enforcement) to say what up to each other and give each other high fives, this will not only increase our tourism revenue.

More man space in shopping malls; Gaming Arcades, Kabaddi rings, indoor football and cricket space are to be incenticized. Men get bored in such consumer based environments and feel very pathetic following our womenfolk around (we can't let them go out alone, otherwise that might compromise their morality and our manliness).

Put the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on every TV channel by law. It is also recommended that a Cleric be found who is willing to proclaim the show is totally halal.

Abolish drug usage rights, grow, manufacture, export and tax. If this is not possible, the Council of Men is willing to compromise on a wide ranging subsidy on Glue. Trade with the Netherlands should increase by several billion dollars annually.

The Party promises to work for subsidies on foreign electronic equipment like big screen Tv's, Play stations and Cars (No Mini Coopers or any feminine looking cars; Proof of manliness required….like a copious number of cup-holders and ashtrays)

LEGAL;

Outlaw 4 marriages. Please. We can't do it anymore. The potential nagging, the whole 'if your tired of this wife, get another one, God lets you have 4' .....The law was made hundreds of year ago!!!! What the hell did we or the last 20 generations of men have to do about it? We only defend it because we want to be good Muslims. How many men do personally know who have more than one wife? Seriously. 

We demand that women be given as many rights as legally permissible, if for no other reason than to end their incessant whining. They whine less, we can enjoy our cricket matches and TV shows in peace....that is of course until they imagine something else to whine about.

The Big Idea.

The truth is that men want women to have their rights as well, but when the realm of religion versus vague traditions and political practicality come into play, we are typically at a loss to explain why, because it’s considered bad form to argue with ones elders and we have no desire to irritate the Almighty. So relax, and watch the MMM take over!

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We are Cluster Fucking Serious!

It Ain't Easy Being a Man

Why I Wrote This: 

I've been often informed what tragically difficult lives women lead, from being genetically forced to bear children (do the math on the marriage rate if you couldn't), cultural pressure, inequality etc, now, this annoys me, particularly if it doesn't actually apply to you and just like to just because it's fashionable to whine about it, because at some point in the future you expect yourself to be tormented by societies expectation. I get it, it's not cake walk being a girl, but lets clear something up, join the freaking club; it's no easier being a guy.

I doubt most/any women will agree with me (Mankind; losing arguments against women since Adam & Eve "why don't you just try  the apple?...one small bite"), but guys have our own set of problems;

Show me the Money (or at least tell me how much you make):  There is a huge concern by all parties (particularly match making Aunties) on how much of it we make. That's our damn business. Period.

Now some guy's are comfortable talking about their monthly 6 figure salaries, but it's a freaking recession for god's sake, it seems like really bad form. Going forward, post marriage, this exacerbates even further; It's a man responsibility to make the dough, if a women decides to bring in a nice chunk of change, then that's great, but ultimately it's the guys duty. 

For the very practical reason that if and God willing when a couple decide to have kids, the loss of the female partners salary shouldn't drastically hurt their standard of living. If it dips in the slightest, then it's the man's fault and he's culturally skewered for it.

Perfect Partner Syndrome; Girl's like to talk about the pressure they are under to get married and find the right guy. Join the club, for guy's the stakes are much higher. In Pakistan, when a couple gets married, the couple usually move into the guy's family home (tradition rather than necessity, unless you are a broke young couple). A wife seems a lot less perfect when she live in family home than they do if the couple simply lived in a different zip code. 

If it's a 'love' marriage, then hell, it's a diplomatic catastrophe waiting to happen. Because the guy will always be blamed for not bringing home an appropriate girl. Try placating your own mother and partner at the same time without taking sides, whilst living in the family home...I dare you. 

Job Pains: Job: If a guy has a boring, repetitive job, he ought to smile and bear it; to add insult to injury, he's made to feel that he's not working hard enough to find something better, on the other hand if a woman has a boring repetitive job its exploitation.

Lord help a guy if he tries to defend why women make less than men; it’s because you (married women) took 3 years off to have kids, you need to be home at a certain hour to be with the kids and employers are perpetually scared that any day now you are going to get up, get married and then quit (after she has used all of her paid leaves, and blame it on family pressure). Note: Can someone please explain me why there isn’t enough money left over from a ladies salary to pay for domestic staff? 

Career Orientations: Women don't have careers, they have hobbies, guys on the other hand are expected to have career goals. Plenty of women quit their 9-5's once they get married, or in the very least when they have children, a guy has no way out. Trust me, a lot of guys I know would love to wake up late mornings, yell at the sweeper for being lazy and then take an afternoon nap, but we don't get that option. 

Workplace Competition: Women rights activists lament how few women there are in the workplaces, now as true as that may be guys have a different spectrum of expectations; men compete with other men for position and growth, for women, there is no pressure to succeed, at best they get to kill time, make a good salary and find a man. 

If a women comes in, does well and gets promoted ahead of an similarly qualified guy, that’s equal opportunity; and that’s quite nice and all, the office might be treated to some cake. If a guy gets promoted ahead of a girl, it’s favoritism, nepotism and unfairism. We’d be lucky to get a Congrats card and a high five out of it.

Errands & odd jobs: Does 'can you grab the laundry, fix the tap and bring the pile of bricks indoor' sound familiar, well if your a guy you've heard some version of this exploitation. Even though a guy will (eventually) do it, in our heard we're screaming, why can't you grab the laundry? Do I look like a plumber? And what part of I have a slipped disk in my back did you not understand and can you please tell me why we bought a pile of bricks? In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s taking advantage of her. In her case, she’s asking you for a favor, if a guy tries that, he’s the asshole who is taking advantage of her.

Women who make couple oriented decisions without men are liberated, men who make decisions without consulting their partners are chauvinistic. Go Figure. I guess we’ll continue to grim and bear it (worked so far). 

Acting Pain Vacant: men are never allowed to express pain, if they do, they are labeled as wimps. When a guy cuts his hand, he is required to profess that he feels no pain, needs no medical attention, and that it's nothing......For the love of God his hand is bleeding, there is blood every where and if he doesn't get a bandage, some pain killers and a Smoothie he's going to pass out. 

Guy feel pain, since we're obligated to act tough, it makes it awfully difficult to cheerily proclaim that it happens all the time and it doesn't hurt at all....really.....When women give birth, are they expected to extol how the pain is non-existent? No, the doctor shoots them up with as many drugs as legally permissible, and still it sounds like the delivery room has a collection of dying banshees. 

What do we Own: Guys are judged by their watches, suits, wallets, car's, houses and their (preferably offshore) bank accounts. 

Women are judged on their (preferably hot) looks and clothes, even if you factor in the cost of drastic plastic 'corrective' surgery, which do you is tougher to accumulate and is more superficial.  

With the growing trend of Pre-Nups, it's almost like it's like guys are being audited for a reverse long-term prostitution contract. 'So if we stay together 3 years and have 2 kids you owe me 12 million a month'. Lovely.  

Dating Women Expenditures: For men it is a privilege to pay for a date, and that should always remain true. But unless you are making serious bank, having to take your girl friend to upscale snob restaurants like Aqua Lounge and Okra on a weekly basis gets extraordinarily expensive, unless your family shits money. 

Shopping expeditions is a whole different story, if we're dragged along, it's not for advice (we're obligated to say, you look good in anything sweetie), it's to tactfully pick up the bill bill and pretend that we really really want to. When guy’s see a girl shopping bill, we see a potential X-box down the drain.

The Big Idea:  It sucks being a guy just as much as it does a girl, society judges in many of they ways that they do women. And to be honest, we’re okay for that, it’s the price we pay for being men. We’ll grim, bear it and pretend that it’s no burden at all. And to be honest, it should be hard, but if society & women in particular can make our lives a little bit easier, that would be wonderful. We’d return the favor. 

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article is printed with great reluctance on Dawn.com