Defending My Petty Little Blogosphere

Blogging is good, Blogging is democratic, Blogging is the debate of ideas and an avenue for self expression. Some may find bloggers desire to write offensive, and that is fine. I’d like to turn their attention to their computers ‘Shutdown’ setting.

If one doesn’t like what my blog or any particular message board they stumble across says, then by all means, don’t participate. Because it is the ability to participate in the debate is what makes the blogosphere democratic and unique.

Blogging, is my right. If I or any other member of the blogosphere decides to express our own opinion, then that should be lauded (I laud myself all the time). It is when one represses the rights of individuals that one spreads terrorism.

There is nothing more important to a society straining to attain a health democracy than diversity of thought and multiple platforms of expression, unless one advocates a ‘controlled democracy’ (read totalitarian society; we’ve tried that, it doesn’t work).

If one finds it acceptable to restrict what people think into their own personal realm of accepted views, then perhaps they prefer the days preceding the internet. However, in this time and age, short of banning the internet, one had better accept the notion that one can’t restrict writers from expressing themselves, in the blogosphere or otherwise.

Here are the primary criticisms of the blogosphere

A: Bloggers are far too young to write intelligibly

It's my generation that taught the um… ‘experienced’ (by experienced I mean Older) generation of writers how to use their fancy 'laat-top' to bang out their artfully crafted pieces, check their gmail and make their own fan pages on book-face (in the vain hope that the government would ban them).

With no offense intended on Pakistan’s glorious veteran truth speaking establishment, I doth do protest (as is my right; I checked). As old as some of these distinguished experienced journalists may be, I imagine that back in the 1800’s some were still in the pinnacle of their youth and attempting to learn their trade, becoming great at journalism or any other field requires time, patience and accountability and most of all, a platform.

Being old doesn't give one a patent on being able to write any more than my chaiwalla is a banker.

B: That Bloggers know nothing, and that only experienced Journalists hold the elixir of truth in their soft hands, hence ought to have the exclusive privilege to spread their message

Ideas matter, and if we’d like to live in a society with actual freedoms, we have to shy away from debating in fear. It is the ideas that pulsate on the blogosphere that reflect what people are thinking.

News will be news, one cycle after another. Journalists will always remain relevant, but it is the response to news items that adds to the realm of debate even more crucially than the original news pieces themselves.

As terrific as the news that emanates from this country of ours, the response is what really matters. If the Hindu community is viciously attacked by fanatics, do we raise our voices or mutter something about ‘them finally accepting Islam’.

C: Bloggers actually care what others think.

We don’t, my own personal writing and thinking fetish aside it may be pertinent to note we all shall pass from the earth at some point, if our legacy is to be our deeds, our ideas fall in that category.

Long after we are gone, our ideas will live on, and does it really matter if one doesn’t like it?

Well, they can write a blog about it.

A version of this piece was published in the Tribune

Bored? Attack Humanitarian Aid Vessels

Israeli warships attacked at least one of the six ships carrying pro-Palestinian activists and aid for blockaded Gaza. The al Jazeera satellite channel reported that Israeli navy forces fired at the ship and boarded it, wounding the captain. 



Israel pointed the finger of blame at the activists on the boats, accusing them of initiating the deadly bloodshed when they attacked a naval boarding force with live fire, knives and clubs on some of the six ships.


The military said “it seems as if part of the participants onboard the ships were planning to lynch the forces.”
“As a result of this life-threatening and violent activity, naval forces employed riot dispersal means, including live fire,” it said.


Mark Regev, spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, too blamed the passengers.
“They initiated the violence,” Regev told AFP. “We made every possible effort to avoid this incident. The servicemen were given instructions that it was to be a police operation and to use maximum restraint.


Israeli officials said overnight the navy told the activists by radio to turn back toward Cyprus or head for the Israeli port of Ashdod to unload the 10,000 tonnes of aid, which Israel would then transfer to the Palestinians in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip.

The convoy set off in international waters off Cyprus on Sunday in defiance of an Israeli-led blockade of Gaza.

The flotilla was organised by pro-Palestinian groups and a Turkish human rights organisation. Turkey had urged Israel to allow it safe passage and said the 10,000 tonnes of aid the convoy was carrying was humanitarian.

Details are sketchy, which they typically are whenever Israel is involved, which I imagine gives their spin doctors time to figure out what the fuck their tact is going to be, but preliminary reports suggest that Israel boarded a ship that was part of a convoy carrying humanitarian supplies such as food and medicine to gaza, and in the midst of waving their guns about, the passengers didn't take kindly to the Israeli forces forces presence and eventually around twenty people were killed and as many fifty were wounded. Then again other reports are like 19. We'll find out eventually. But even I couldn't initially fathom why Israel would attack the 'Freedom Flotilla'. Was it to prove that they are in control? Is this an exercise on how 'bad ass are we' or 'we do what we want'?

Now to be fair, the Israeli forces did declare that they would not allow the ship to reach the Hamas controlled Gaza strip, when they say embargo they mean embargo, but that said with all of the casualties on the Humanitarian Aid Providing Activists (the kind of committed people that make the rest of us feel like shit), I wonder how many Israeli troops were killed in the encounter.....yep. zero.

Now in their defense they may have been dressed in Kevlar, and there wasn't any tear gas handy, or perhaps the Israeli Warships didn't know when the ships rudder was in order to disable it, but regardless, the threat from these 700 knife wielding, fish throwing, gun toting, food delivering activists couldn't have been very strong if they injured only four Israeli sailors...hell, you can injure four guys just by climbing onto a boat. Especially, when they are black commando clad Israeli special forces bad asses being dropped from helicopters onto the ship.

Yes....So, when Israeli ministry said a quaint little 'boarding party' what they really meant was heavily armed guys dressed from head to toe in black being dropped onto the decks of ships at 4:30am.....seriously...has everyone gone cuckoo cuckoo? This is straight out of a Steven Segal flick. All we need now is some martial arts mayhem. Pity there weren't any Japanese Ninja's on board.

Now, I'm a rather open minded fellow. I don't blindly hate Israel or the Jews, because I think it's plain silly. I particularly turn into rock star mode when some religious fundamentalist conspiracy driveling walking Humiliation on Islam finds it in his place to inform me of the power of the Zionist conspiracy and then proceeds to talk about various things he see's on the internet. Because naturally, if your as poorly educated as this fella, once you read something, it must be Quranic....

To any here who feel particularly uncharitably to the World's Jewish Population, consider this. The Prophet treated the Jewish Citizens of the Arab Nations fairly and gave them freedom from religious persecution. Islam is a religion of Tolerance. You can't just be tolerant when you find it convenient or your peeved off at facebook. People are people yo. Some good, some bad, mostly shades of grey. Israel just gets the most crap.

Anyhow, back to the point, I have to say, I think Israel fucked up huge here. They were told that the ship would be coming, turkey assured them that it was carrying only humanitarian aid, there are no Israeli fatalities, no  footage (as yet) showing the belligerent hippies attacking the Israeli forces and worst of all the ships are full of journalists (including Pakistani channel Aaj TV's own Talat Hussain).

Now the right question is why not deliver the food to the Israeli's in the first place and let them hand it off. Well, firstly they don't trust the Israelis'. After all, if it wasn't for the bombing, attacks, land disputes etc, those supplies of food and medicine wouldn't be necessary in the first place. And secondly, Israel actually has no right to create that embargo. The reason they get away with it is because no one else in the region has either the balls or the navy to take on Israel's fleet.

The News black out created by a freaked out Israeli information service is hardly going to help when all of those peeved off, shot at, internet publishing journalists take our their laptops and take aim at the blundering Israeli military. By the end of it, they'll make it look like Israel carpet bombed a Toys R Us. Huge Fuck Ups. They need to hire the guy who designed this....

Fire the Military Strategist that thought it was a good idea to attack a Humana-fucking-tarian Convoy. Or just have Mossad make that imbecile disappear. Next time, find a few of your own 'Free Palestine' Israeli Jews and put them on the boat. It'll look way tolerant...and actually good PR for a change.

Food: The Silver Bullet

I have come to the conclusion that whilst empires may rise and fall, that great idea's come into fruition and other dissipate, that there are only few certainies in life. Firstly that there is nothing like a good turkey sandwich. Secondly that a really good turkey has to die in order for me to get a good turkey sandwich, and thirdly that I'm totally fine with having to explain to some 'Animal's have feelings' folk that I'm totally justified in killing animals so I can enjoy a good meal.

There is a reason in Islamic tradition we sacrifice goats and cows for Eid.....Those just aren't any goats and cows, they are our PETS....but we do it anyway. If that's not God's way of saying enjoy the bounties I bestow upon Mankind, I dunno what is (4 Marriages is the potential nightmare he bestows on mankind). I'm glad I figured all of that out, it makes me feel pretty awesome about myself. 

Humility is a lesson that I suck at. Instead of losing myself in the frollicles of that hopeless battle, I have decided to embrace my suckiness, I am who I am. There is a part of me that refuses to sit down and pretend that I am nothing special, that my achievements are simply oddities that one litters my titanic sized desk with without really appreciating them. I have spoken, I have decided. I refuse to be ordinary.

To that end, I have solved the most basic question that has ever dogged humanity. What motivates us?

Is the answer.... Dinner?

Now admittedly, I am actually pretty hungry right now, but it makes complete unrelenting sense.

We have a human interest to survive and the best way to do that is to eat. The countries that have the most miserable people are typically the ones that are the most underfed. Look at those poor North Koreans....and all those folks in Africa (sorry, if that's a bit racist....but Fuck you, it's not). Even in the US, people are going hungrier as they lose their jobs and what not. People who are hungry, are just miserable. Look at models....totally sucky people.

Look at the Taliban! They grow weed instead of growing Maize! Dumb asses! The poor people go hungry because you can't eat weed (unless you have a thing for Hash Brownies, but the subsequent munchies would be problematic to fulfill) and the rich folk make all the dough from the drug transit trade.

Poor People in countries, that include Pakistan, justify all of their corruption, loose morals and plain despicable behavior on one thing. They need to be able to afford to eat, they need to be able to feed their family and they need to ensure that they'll be able to eat tomorrow.

It's really that simple. And Islamically (because I'm trying to figure out God), it's the only 'Get out of Jail free' you get. Otherwise, you steal for glory and (really) cool stuff, you are liable to get your hands lopped off in a public ceremony.

It's reasonable as well. Our most basic need (above sex) is food. When that need isn't fulfilled, we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet that need. We willing to lie, cheat, steal, fight and even hurt others just to be able to eat. After all, there is no glory in dying from starvation and nothing hurts a provider more than seeing his loved ones dying from starvation.

Starvation causes many medical problems, like loss of brain functions/Insanity. We need to stop that, because less crazy people means less people who are likely to cause a revolution and take all of my sweet stuff that I've accumulated. And let's be honest, look at the world map...there are lots of hungry people out there.

The solution is retardedly simple. Grow more food. grow lots of it. have an international fund that's so purpose is to ensure that everyone on his Eden like planet of ours gets fed. I don't care if you have to give out subsidies pouring out the wazzoo, because instead of spending billions each year on combating terrorists, just ensure that those most vulnerable to become terrorists, don't because they've fulfilled their most basic needs. And those who cite all the suffering in their part of the world, run out of bloody reasons.

I call it the 'Drop Food Not Bombs Campaign'. I even found the Cute Poster Boy (look Below)

So, if you are truly hungry.... you do whatever it takes, I don't blame you. Steal my wallet if I'm being a particularly big douchebag about giving you money. It's all good. I'll forgive you and so will God. Just make sure I get my ID's back because I have no desire get stuck in line at the National ID registration office.

Just don't go blow somebody else up because you are in a fit over the raw deal that life dealt you. That's not justice, it's just satanic revenge and unworthy of human beings. And know, that even if you do decide that a life of kaboom is better than a life of honest toil, that if I somehow end up in Heaven and you are in Hell, I will personally come down there myself and kick your ass so bad that you'll think Satan putting Fire Eating Ants up your ass was good clean fun.

So let's feed the world and make it a better fed happier place.