Limited Government = Limited Stupidity = Thumbs Up!

The Government Will Take Care of Everything.....Pinky Swear!

I don't understand the mindset behind Pro-Government interventionists. I really don't, and this is coming with a (rather charming) guy who is fairly okay with targeted socialism (by targeted, I mean give to the poor, I know, I'm a Softy Capitalist). I may be really thick (I contend that I'm not), but for arguments sake, let's say that the government intervening and actively managing society's moral conundrums is a good thing, because they're elected by the people and by having a legal responsibility to the people......But where in their job description have they suddenly inherited the titles of "Lord Protector of Morality" and "Awesome at Everything". Did we really think that we had a bunch of Bill Gates on our hands?

Those wonderful folks, both elected and serving in the Government cesspool of a bureacracy have something resembling a responsibility to the people to serve them to the best of their ability. In a purely Pakistani contest, we're better off letting them run a fruit stand, as opposed to a 170 million person country. Why? Because they don't have the damndest idea of what they are doing? Hell, I wouldn't either? After all, what do I know about running a Steel Mill?

It's disappointing really, I mean, I thought we were entering a wonderful age of specialization...or more plainly put, if Ali become awesome at one thing, Ali can be both really good at it and make better money. It's about being qualified for the jobs that you are supposed to do. 

How does prancing around in your gucci shoes in parliament and spewing the most fashionable version of a conspiracy theory qualify you to set policy, run a country and act as Nanny in Chief to a nappy overloaded nation. Hell, if you want your baby's nappies changed properly, then Do Them Your Damn Self....do you really want to deal with leaky human waste...or maybe you should just hire a professional, nappy changing maid. 

Let's say your house has a leak (not the Nappy kind), and you have both your pipes and your wiring are soaked (like so soaked, you'd get a positively Eisenstein-ian hair do if you mucked around). You're initial reaction shouldn't be to ask the most persuasive plumber to fix the electrical wiring, Why? because he's at the house and you never know, he might be a better electrician than what he's theoretically spent his entire life both training and practicing to do.

Why? Well, because he's here and since everyone in the neighborhood association decided that he's the best possible plumber for the job, he is obviously the best electrician available as well. Obviously, that same chap can manage the Pakistani Cricket Establishment.

There are days where I doubt my own Pakistani'ness. You see, I suffer from this horrible affliction that can be charitably categorized as minimal government interventionism, I really like the idea of them not getting up in my business....Why one may (quite rightfully) ask?

No where does it state that it's meant for the poor...we're all needy

Low taxes, I want low taxes so I can choose to spend more of my money in whatever way that I like. If I want to give money to a charitable organization for flood victims, that ought to be my prerogative, the government's desire to implement a flood tax or decides that it should take my tax money and subsidize an Airline (which quite frankly, services a minute slice of the populace) is folly.I don't appreciate them collecting my Zakat money either, particularly when they spend it on an executive class Hajj.

I do sympathize with the government's drawing room politics philosophy because I reluctantly recognize that most Pakistani's do live under the illusion that everything is the governments responsibility (hence fault) and that they should get involved in every aspect of a persons life that they don't agree with (varies from imbecile to imbecile).

That's the Minister's own Daughter, (and even if she wasn't it's not anyones damn business)

I keep hearing about how Pakistan would be better if we banded together as Muslims and implemented a strict shariah code across the country. I tend to wonder whose version of Shariah? Osama Bin Laden or Shahrukh Khan's? Why can't people come to terms with the fact that Muslims are a diverse bunch, full of intricacies and multiple schools of thought? And everyone is utterly convinced that they've cracked the code of what it takes to be a perfectly acceptable Muslim.

Honestly, why can't everyone just follow their own brand of Islam as opposed to feeling that it is their God given right to have the government impose their ideals on anything with a heart beat, for them. Holding the goverment responsible for making everyone to their religious line is kind of like being mad that not everyone loved 'The Hangover' (though for the record, The Hangover, is Awesome). You want to spread your faith? Be an example to others. Don't expect the government to do it for you. It's not, and shouldn't be their job. Did I mention how awesome 'The Hangover" is?  

The Hangover is Officially Awesome

I want my government to focus on the things that are the absolute essentials, like maintaining security (which they suck at), disaster management (which they also suck at), providing basic health and education services (again, which they suck at), and maybe throw in a few worthwhile tax incentive schemes for entrepreneurs and industries (people need jobs...preferably at Google...Facebook is apparently evil).

If the Gov doesn't like Facebook...make a Page about it.

I'm not advocating handouts, even though, lets face it everyone wants a handout from the government because the truth is that secretly none of us respect those irresponsible corrupt pieces of intestinal pipe that run the country. They steal our money and whine that corruption is their right and they most certainly aren't as corrupt as the last guy. No duh we can't trust them, and if they are getting their 'kickbacks', we want ours. It's human nature.

 Now, I'm all for democracy, but the idea is to elect leaders, not Overlords. But, hey, I'm willing to give it a shot. But it's be nice the government was kindly asked to express their angst in as minimal spheres of influence as possible! Maybe our government would be a tad bit more efficient if they stayed out of matters of religion, morality and bailouts.

Helping the little guy up, means someone has to stay behind.

 Why is the government the answer to everything? Their track records reeks of a regurgitation of last years breakfast....which wouldn't be so bad, except that Nihari mixed with Dairy is positively explosive. Sadly, it's just easier to place the responsibility of doing everything at their feet and blame them when things aren't hunky dory, until we can collectively own up, we'll be at that uncomfortable impasse where we blame the government rather than figuring out the solutions of our problems things ourselves.

Patriotic Only in Colors

On a purely practical level. This is what I'd do. Lump off all Public Sector Enterprises, sell off the management rights to the likes of the General Electric, Government of Singapore (It's run like a business) or any other riddiculously massive capitalist company. Reduce the number of ministries, outsource the likes of education, health, development ministries to private contractors who are all audited quarterly. Passing a 'I'm sorry for all the Fuck ups and I won't do it again" Bill would be dandy too.

Any Chance We Can Get All That Money Back?

Dear United States Senators

Dearest Senators, Kerry, Lugar and Berman,

Thank you so much for your interest in the great nation of Pakistan. We are indeed the greatest nation in the world….well, not greatest quite yet, but we’re getting there. Did You Know that we are ONLY the 10^th most failed state in the world. We trample the likes of Somalia, Zimbabwe in terms of honesty, endeavor and progress.

Know that your USD $7.5bn package will be well allocated to the neediest segments of Pakistan…well, after the military and government bureaucracy takes it’s cut, we promise to allocate the several hundred dollars left to uplift the lives of millions of Pakistani….pinky swear. 

In the spirit of our infinite partnership and a celebration of the billions of dollars you’ve chucked down our tube wells and into military hardware (thanks for the F-16’s), we desire an extension to our historic partnership. After all, we’re like BFF (Best Friends Forever)

We’ve even come up with a particularly feasible set of terms which would prove advantageous to all concerned….in the long run….hopefully. We naturally would like money, dollars preferably, but since your slightly less great, Muslim hating, Nuke toting nation can simply print more without answering to the IMF, we feel that we are getting you an absolutely fabulous deal in the process.   

On a strategic level you can continue bullying Iran, seal off a few trade routes, flatten Afghanistan to extract that lovely lump of lithium y’all discovered, peeve off China AND best of all, threaten India with greater effectiveness than we ever could (the last would supremely please the Pakistani people, we assure you). Never again will anyone call India a rising superpower. They can be your Cuba….along with Iran, Afghanistan and China. See how generous we are being? You are so lucky to have us!

Our demands…ahem…requests are quite simply that you triple our ‘Aid’ package, deposit an equal chunk in our Swiss bank accounts (we suggest you get a few too…we’ll teach you how), give us US Green cards and in return we’ll give you Pakistan. All of it. Our nuclear launch codes, Mineral deposits, Lassi’s and even our souls….the 180 million people worth of body parts (we got’em all, kidneys, hearts, livers etc) are a bargain in itself. What Joy!

We look forward to announcing you as the Pakistani Tri-Partite to the General populace. Imagine how wonderful it would be never to lose an election again! We assure you, this is truly the will of the people…we should know, we are the democratically elected parliament dummy!

Respectfully Yours (For a Price, See above terms)

XOXOXO

Democratically Elected Pakistani Parliament

PS: Please ignore this crazy woman. She is an atrocious liar, we deny having the ability to read which makes being paperless quite efficient.

PSS: Don’t get the Military mad…seriously….they have guns….your guns in fact. They use the constitution to wipe their behinds.

Welcome to Finance: We Eat What We Kill.

I am a Banker, more accurately I'm an Economist/Investment Analyst, my company makes it's money by 'investing' in the stock market. As amazing as that sounds, neither my colleagues or I actually make anything, and like all bankers before and after us, will never physically make anything. We find market mis-pricing opportunities and use our investors money to essentially gamble. It's brutal, slit throat and filled with it's own share of niceties and bitchiness, but we all love it. We aren't here to build an economy, we're here to make money. Ladies & Gentlemen, This is Finance, We Eat What We Kill.

My professional cousins on Wall street have been going through a particularly crappy time as of late, sounds like the country is finally awakening to the fact that bankers can make obscene amounts of money. The only thing more obscene is their propensity to blow it on booze, strippers, narcotics and clothing. But, frankly, I can't understand people in the United States that hate the stock market. it's been the greatest creator of wealth that the world has ever known, I'm not going to bother throwing numbers at you, but lets just say that it is very profitable.

From time to time, there will be losers in the Market; People who made stupid, ill advised or just plain moronic bets. But there will always be winners. There may be few, or there may be many, but remember that this isn't a free gravy train and just because you lose a little money (or you life's savings) the knee jerk response to blame Wall Street Bankers for making mistakes is just pathetic.

 If you invested your own money in the market then you are responsible; You are the one taking the risk and are ultimately responsibly for either driving your ferrari off into the sunset or having to stand in the unemployment line. YOU, MR I GOT DUPED AND LOST EVERYTHING INVESTOR! If you aren't smart enough to hold onto your money, maybe it's best that you and your cash parted ways. As for downsizing Wall Street, Trust me you don't want Finance people to be enroaching on your suburban corporate paradise....

The following e-mail has been going around on the Street  recently. I've modified it thought I might share it:

"We are Wall Street. It's our job to make money. Whether it's a commodity, stock, bond, or some hypothetical piece of fake paper, it doesn't matter. We would trade baseball cards if it were profitable. I didn't hear America complaining when the market was roaring to 14,000 and everyone's 401k doubled every 3 years. Just like gambling, its not a problem until you lose. I've never heard of anyone going to Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas.

Well now the market crapped out, & even though it has come back somewhat, the government and the average Joes are still looking for a scapegoat. God knows there has to be one for everything. Well, here we are.

Go ahead and continue to take us down, but you're only going to hurt yourselves. What's going to happen when we can't find jobs on the Street anymore? Guess what: We're going to take yours. We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We're used to not getting up to pee when we have a position. We don't take an hour or more for a lunch break. We don't demand a union. We don't retire at 50 with a pension. We eat what we kill, and when the only thing left to eat is on your dinner plates, we'll eat that.

For years teachers and other unionized labor have had us fooled. We were too busy working to notice. Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping? We're going to take your cushy jobs with tenure and 4 months off a year and whine just like you that we are so-o-o-o underpaid for building the youth of America. Say goodbye to your overtime and double time and a half. I'll be hitting grounders to the high school baseball team for $5k extra a summer, thank you very much.

So now that we're going to be making $85k a year without upside, Joe Mainstreet is going to have his revenge, right? Wrong! Guess what: we're going to stop buying the new 80k car, we aren't going to leave the 35 percent tip at our business dinners anymore. No more free rides on our backs. We're going to landscape our own back yards, wash our cars with a garden hose in our driveways. Our money was your money. You spent it. When our money dries up, so does yours.

The difference is, you lived off of it, we rejoiced in it. The Obama administration and the Democratic National Committee might get their way and knock us off the top of the pyramid, but it's really going to hurt like hell for them when our fat asses land directly on the middle class of America and knock them to the bottom.

We aren't dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive. The question is, now that Obama & his administration are making Joe Mainstreet our food supply…will he? and will they?"

I have friends here in Pakistan who are teaching in schools, journalists, working at NGO or doing jobs that really don't pay all that well and complain how their work is so much more impactful than what finance people do. Trust me, you don't want my wolf pack in your barn of chickens, we will eat you alive. You will never get another promotion, I might even concede that you may be more talented in your fields than we are, but we know how to close a deal.... You will always be playing catchup. Sacrifice is coming to work on your birthday, never taking days off and know that one or two bad days can result in unemployment. So we fight and like the free markets before us, the strong prevail.

Bankers pay the most taxes out of any segment in the Population, trust me, the government has no desire to see what their budget will look like without us. That's why they give us loop holes, because we want it to be legal and so we're not tempted to go all Bernie Madoff on your behinds.

We are Bankers, you can't win. There are winners and there are losers, we are designed to win.

I Highly Recommend You Don't Fuck With Us. 

The Inaccurate Story of How We Were Paid Off

Has anyone wondered why Pakistan, a deeply religious country, is allied with the United States; the chief exporters of convenient looking democracies? and instead of talking about the usual BS about moral imperatives and global securities, I decided to take a crack at it...be truthful and all that.

Money makes the world go round, round, round. And it's a principle that certainly applies to us. It's harder to buy people who have principles, rather than people who have swiss bank account bursting with space. We don't elect national leaders, we elect politicians, who have their own best interests at heart, when they coincide with the Pakistani people, it's highly fortuitous, but mostly, justifying it and spreading the wealth through their well paid militias.....I mean political activists. To be fair, when they spend their cash on sweet homes and fancy rides, that does do something for the public scenery.

We were paid off. Plain and simple. Pakistan's elite classes; the military, civil service, politicians, etc, may all enjoy a fairly western array of tastes and style, but the overarching nature is overtly conservative to the point of fundamentalist Islam. Practically, it plays well with the electorate to quote the Qurans (it's easy enough to ignore acting on it), particularly when your country's name is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

How it Started: Military Rule

Zia ul Haq (Z-Man), Pakistan's Islam obsessed military dictator in the 80's, ruled for a solid decade and made Islamic idealism, the key feature of his blue print for Pakistan; it justified his actions, his military support in Afghanistan (why the Russian, didn't tramp on into Pakistan for a cool Murree brew is beyond me).

Z-Man channeled support to the Afghan cause by fueling religious sentiment. this is hardly an innovative ploy, but he was praise worthily effective. As part of his re-invention on Pakistan, he took that generation of Pakistani's and inculcated them with a sweeping Islamic doctrine (You can't mess with God's Law, particularly if your masses are illiterate), and we are still paying for it. All of Pakistan's modern day political head honchos (it makes me cringe to call them leaders), are by-products of that era. No new influential, democratic political voice has emerged since then.

However, at the time, this was extremely pragmatic. We were promised enough money to build a house and burn ourselves in it. The US funded the Afghani Mujahideen, and Pakistan was it's strategic ally/errand boy.

So we felt compelled to gorge ourselves on as much money as our US allowance could support (and then some). Corruption was rampant, but it was nothing new. In fact, we were oddly okay with it. A religious war was being fought after all.

When the Afghan conflict ended with the Russian troop pull out, Pakistan lost it's strategic importance as the gulf war rose into prominence and became the new battle ground.

In essence, Pakistan was laid off, contract up, with no unemployment benefits. It sucked to be us, and we had to continue managing the remnants of the Afghan problem, having only theMujahideen as our only tool, we big brothered in a crazy conservative Islamic regime with highly ascetic tastes. It appealed to the whole Islamic Republic of Pakistan image we had going.

I'm actually pretty convinced I know how that policy came into place....in Pakistan, all strategic policy decisions are made on a lush Golf Course in Islamabad.

Corp Commander Anus: Hey guys, I'm really sorry for being late, my chopper took off late, because Colonel butt face started prayers early for some cool khutba (sermon) he heard from some Saudi Royalist, Osama something, one those Bin Laden boys....they went on forever.

Brigadier Butt: Ugh, those guys are such illiterate nut jobs, for the love of god they wasted so many missiles because they couldn't read the damn instructions on the Stingers Rocket Launchers. And then they have the nerve look at Afghanistan and see an Islamic victory, don't the realize that the 'infidels' are the ones who funded their suicidal crap. Hell, even the turbans they're wearing have labels that say 'Made in the USA', what the hell do they think that is, United Shambles of Algeria. bloody imbeciles.

General Cuntwalla: Yeah, that freaking General 'I Love the Quran' and his minions, they are always talking about Islamic piety and it's really freaking annoying, I hate to break it to that retard, but that Quran is Israeli made; they were simply cheaper. After a hard day, or well, even during a not so hard one, I really enjoy my glass of scotch (high fives are exchanged across the green), and so what if I do,go mind your own god damn business. What the Fuck difference does it make to their lives, if I'm plastered. It's not like we have nukes. ooh, I wish we could get rid of those assholes.

Corp Commander Anus: Say, I have an idea, why don't we send those cluster fucks to Afghanistan, it' s in pretty shitty state, and I can't find anyone who wants to be stationed there, there isn't a brewery for miles. They can go and live there, see how pious they'll feel after that hell hole. haha.

General Cuntwalla: Brilliant.

Brigadier Butt: Good Show, when should we tell the President.

Corp Commander Anus: eh, no need, he'll probably be replaced in a few weeks anyway, which reminds me, do any of you guys know anyone who want's to be the President? or maybe even the Cricket board chairman?

General Cuntwalla: By jove, I'll do the Cricket thing, I love getting smashed with those boys.

Golf Game Resumes

Shit Happens: Like the 90's & 9/11

That is until the late 90's when we officially became a nuclear power. whoopdee freaking doo. Because sanctions were the last thing we needed. After the sitting Prime Minister was overthrown in a military coup, we continued to remain on the fringes. Then 9/11 happened.

Our natural allies in Afghanistan refused to hand over Osama Bin Laden and the rest is history (well in the making). How no one questions the insanity of going to war over the hand over of a single person is beyond me.

But atleast the Afghan's had principles and couldn't be bought off....by anyone. In many Islamic traditions, a guest is to be honored and protected, no matter what the cost. It's a pity that so many Afghans had to pay with their innocence, their lively hoods and their lives. I can also bet you all of the money in my (empty) pocket, that they'd do the same all over again.

What did Pakistan do? Well, it was a happy day, after all, 'We were called into Service!', the military government was given legitimacy and a fistful of dollars were thrust into our greasy palms, complete with a speech on historic allies (it brought tears to my eyes...really).

As expected we gratefully accepted. Money in the Bank (even if it was money ending up in foreign accounts, but I'm not hating on corrupt officials right now).

We Are Still At It: The Mathematics of Consistency

Fast forward the better part of a decade, we're still on the payroll of the US government. New President (well, not really), same old policy. Got to love the consistency.

If left to their own devices (assuming that they are not already), government intelligence agencies and Pakistan's military would much rather be finding ways to co-exist with the 'Taliban'. For the love of god, they are Pakistani citizens (whether we like to admit it or not). And no humane person would condone widespread military action against it's own people, unless it was out of necessity. Here is the kicker. It really isn't.

How do you make a fairly Islamic looking fellow do your bidding. You buy him off, with more money than his limited imagination can take. Once that is done, he'll have set his price, and you'll know what it'll cost you. The problem arises when you breed a groups of individuals who believein the doctrine.

Then you have a problem you cannot control. In some cases you can hide them away, send them to India and pretend that they don't exist, but the truth is that they are out there and they always will be.

I'm sure some were created as an extreme counter balance to the decades long regime of institutional corruption. This doesn't make them good or bad, but it makes them committed to the Death. Herein lies the problem. You can't create religious Zealots and take away their cause without killing them. Even if you do, your just as likely to further their cause by devoting money, personnel and blood in order to do so.

On a strategic basis, for a country like say Pakistan, this makes utter sense, once you create them and let them loose in say...Afghanistan, you can indefinitely force Nato troops to camp out there. Highly advantageous, particularly when your country, in this case Pakistan, remains loyal....and flush with cash....indefinitely.

These Islamic Fundamentalist Nazis, were not created in a vacuum, they were carefully groomed to fight in Afghanistan, Kashmir and India. Turns out they don't like being told what to do, particularly as they've been on an extended power trip post US invasion, and they've noticed the liquor cabinets; No compromises, just principles (incidentally messed up ones).

There goal isn't creating an Islamic Pakistan, it's a turf war, it's a case of 'you get out of our hood, and we'll get out of yours'. But we (Pakistani forces) can't do that, because we're still in the employ of Pentagon.

So now now we are being paid to blast our own people out of oblivion...and we call the Taliban the terrorist. At least they believe in their principles, while all we've consistently believed in the almighty dollar. Fantastic. They pay in blood for what we did for Money.

How does this end? Well, it doesn't, not until hard line Islamists gain legitimate power and placate the nut jobs. Think it's unlikely that the people responsible for murder might get elected. It happened in Nepal. Maoist rebels are now in government with the Monarchy loyalists. Go figure, everyone needs to get paid off. I guess the moral of the story is that causes die down, the crusades only went on for as long as they did because the trade routes were profitable.

Money still makes the world go round, round, round.

Capitalism: Ordering Medication off the Menu

 There seems to be a fundamental change in the attitudes of people towards medication. Alot of people I know tend to pop pills, not necessarily the illegal kind, but mostly be over the counterPanadol, Advil, Augmentin (though to be fair, whether its over the counter or not, pharmacists will sell you anything) more often than they theoretically need. 

I'm not sure if it's because of work life balance issues but its slowing becoming a problem; the problem being that work seems to absorb people's live period and if one has a stressful job and barely any time for a life, its easy to see why one is attracted to solutions the size of a pill. We nothing if not efficient.

Now, I'm a fairly proud free market Capitalist, and in line with that over riding moral philosophy (I slept through ethics class) I have a proposal; Let Restaurants and Cafe's Sell pills. Now I'm not saying they should sell Vicoten (yet) or any other illegal harmful substances, but things like mild pain killers, vaccines, diet pills, laxatives, energy pills no problem (even sanitary iPads...sorry couldn't resist). 

After all, everyone gets a head ache once in a while; for some unfortunate people its just more often than others; Put it down to the work place's oppressive demand for greater productivity and our materialistic need, the rate of migraines has increased. In that vein a good capitalist should try to fulfil that niche market and enjoy the benefits (money) whilst taking a swig from the keg of glory. 

Pain killers are a necessary evil for the perpetually stressed and those trying to quit smoking (nicotine patches just aren't very manly, though they will be made available under my proposal). I have no qualms replacing one addiction with another, as humans we're better at substituting problems than eliminating them, call it human nature. Also I'm sure those suffering from actual medical ailments would also appreciate grabbing an Advil or Energy Pill along with their morning Coffee and Danish. 

Dieting is becoming pretty popular, though the problem is that in Pakistan, going out to eat is still the most common thing friends tend to do together. So for those who don't want to lose all of their friends and become an out cast, restaurants can start selling them diet pills off the menu!  

So one can go and gorge themselves with a hearty steak meal and then finish off with some convenient diet pills to justify their packed tummies.  In that same chain of though, laxatives could be sold (discreetly of course....capitalists can be sensitive too!).

People tend to enjoy their food a little bit too much sometimes and have heavy post meal stomachs, which make them very sleepy. Now sleeping after a big meal is very unhealthy, but lo and behold, restaurants can sell energy pills! 

Get a good boost of 5 Hour energy after a meal fit for a king(dom). You may say crazy, but I say Insanely profitable and highly advantageous (particularly for employers). 

Now these places already sell Cigarettes and Shisha/Hookah, which you can order off the menu (despite smoking in public indoor spaces being illegal in Pakistan). You'd be hard pressed to find an eating establishment not complete with an ashtray and smokers menu. 

So selling mildly harmful substances at eateries is not exactly uncommon and I would contend that a greasy Triple Decker burger is more harmful than popping a tiny FDA (Food Distribution Authorities) approved pill. 

This would also save lives for example for people suffering from an Asthmatic in the middle of a meal and need an on the spot inhaler (yes they'll be charged for it later) or Diabetics who badly need a dose of insulin (sell with measurement kit to increase revenue). 

Pills make people happy, whether physically or emotionally, establishments with happy customers tend to make a lot of money (oh and depriving customers is bad) and that's the bottom line....all the way to bank.  

The Beggarazzi

Anyone who has visited Pakistan (or any developing country for that matter) can't help but notice the multitude of beggars, whilst it would  be callous to think of every beggar as a professional beggar, drug addict, mentally ill, we grow tired of their constant prodding on every side walk, at every traffic light bugging people for money. 

Sometimes we acquiesce, sometimes we ignore them and sometimes we have the urge to cuss them out (rarely do we, as it would entail lowering the windows of our air conditioned cars and no one wants to waste cool air, its bad for the environment). 

But I think we should try to look at it slightly more constructively and find an awesome solution. None of the lame, pay the kids to go to school, or give food hand outs, or make the govt. give them jobs. Everyone has tried, yet it hasn't work. So I have come up with a uniquely awesome solution.  

I think of them as the Beggarazzi, as they tend to swarm and follow you at the slightest sign of weakness, which is what gave me my latest brain storm. 

Turn the Beggarazzi into Paparazzi. Yes, I am serious. Think about it, they have all the qualities to be successful.

1. They are masters are making people look at them with pity, even targeting people's sympathies, promise to pray for their fertility for a few rupees. (I'm not sure how God would feel about someone being paid for praying).

2. They have extremely well rehearsed lines that arouse a sense of humanity in the worst of us. They will have no problem in sticking to a script and eliciting responses/gather attention. 

3. Inconspicuous....when is the last time you remember what your local beggars wore? Whatever actual color the clothing was is now hidden by dirt and grime, they also have the scary ability to blend in with their surroundings....perfect for stalking a would be celeb. 

4. Completely thick skinned. They don't mind being despised by their bread and butter. The international Paparazzi all have one thing in common. Everyone hates them, (well except for publisher and editors). No one wants to associate with them, share a meal with them, and want nothing better than to have them out of their daily lives....sound familiar? 

5. They will have no problem working on commission, which means that they will be super effective to point of being willing to kill others to get the job done. Get'er done and they will with $$$ signs in their eyes and smiles all the way to the bank (though they may prefer cash).

6. When Celebs see these dirt poor people with camera's they can't help but feel sorry for them. After all, what celeb would (with cameras present) cuss out a poor destitute struggling to make ends meet. Traditional vile Paparazzi yes, no one likes them, but the Beggarazzi, would have their sympathy.  

Oh and we can get the Beggarazzi "Feed the Beggar" tee shirts, have a group of Bleeding Heart Volunteers drop off and give them lunch, so that they don't go hungry (while there on a stake out). It'll alleviate the bleeding hearts club because they can't stand to see others go hungry especially when in comparison you feel like a bastions of privileged.

7. They are Hungry....for success....well in all likely hood they are probably physically hungry too. So it's something they are used to. At least this way they have an avenue with which to make money and not annoying common folk (you celeb folk are screwed btw). 

Now I can see why some members of the Bleeding Hearts Club might see this at cruel and exploitative, and the current Paparazzi mish mash might feel a little territorial and go into a deep discussion about the merits of their craft and the skills and composition that goes into a good photograph and how beggars are unsuited for it. Fortunately, I have prepared some fairly simple responses. 

Dear poorly satisfied (yes I went there, some people just need to get laid) Bleeding Hearts: Please explain to me why it's not better that for beggars and destitutes to earn an honest wage, rather than live off others' meagre generosity. 

Lets not kid ourselves, they rarely give them enough money to buy anything other than cheap candy; and please don't make the ridiculous argument that so many people give them money that they earn a decent amount because it's insulting, you try living like that. 

This way they are able to live with dignity, I'm not saying that they'll be particularly well loved, but it's not like they were adored to start with. This way they can afford to feed their families and have a realistic dream for a better life, as well as a real future.

Dear Paparazzi: Digital camera's do all of that composition, light and angle crap automatically .....Your fucked. Even if they didn't your Editors care more about the content of the picture rather than the professional quality (assuming a basic level can be reached via digital cameras). Besides, cellular camera photo's go for egregious amounts of money. 

When you see a picture of Tiger Woods making out with Jude Law, your less concerned with the perfection of the shot, rather than the fact that two of world's biggest womanizers are making out. Sorry to bust your ego's about how your all artists, well your not. Your jobs are to chase people with cameras and I'll bet that the Beggarazzi can do a way better job than you can. 

It's a whole new world. Deal with it. However, in case life becomes too tough in the face of the severe competition there is always a begging spot open on 'Get the F**k Away from Me" Blvd.