World's Craziest Fatwas

I WILL BECOME LEGENDARY!

Some people have crazy traditions, like wearing the equivalent to skirts in the wet damp UK weather (Scots), getting married multiple times (Mormons), Having Celibate preachers (Catholics), and in Islam, well, we get crazy fatwas or the legal equivalent to Supreme Court decisions....supported by the might of a fundamentalist Army. In fact, we get these sometimes odd, mostly bemusing and utterly embarrassing religious dictation all the time and sadly, it's usually not a random bearded chap screaming for attention in Mozambique.

It's some rather well respected fellow with a prestigious sounding title. Like Grand "Boom Boom Wappa Wappa" Advisor to his Royal "but not Cooler or higher than God" Highness for Sanitary Affairs; Hence your chief hand washing and cleansing fatwa expert is born. 

So, when I found this list of utterly ridiculous excuses for religious doctrine, I realized that the only way I can make myself feel better is by sharing them and enfusing them with my own brand of.... sardonic dastardliness.

Well...I'd need to recalculate all of my Frequent Flier Miles

The Fatwa: Grand Mufti Sheikh Ibn Baaz: The Earth is Islamically Flat oh and the Sun Revolves Around the Earth

In a 2000 Fatwa titled “The Transmitted and Sensory Proofs of the Rotation of the Sun and Stillness of the Earth”, Saudi Arabian Grand 'Slam" Mufti Sheikh Ibn (I've been Baadz) Baaz asserted that the earth was flat and disk-like and that the sun revolved around it. He had insisted that satellite images to the contrary were nothing but a Western conspiracy against the Islamic world. He also believes the Columbus officially fell off the face of the earth and that Queen Isabella drafted in his twin to ensure that she didn't become the laughing stock of the flat world.

Verdict:I couldn't agree more, generations of young Muslims looking to avoid astronomy and astro physics classes can thank you. Now, I wonder if I'm allowed to use Google Earth?

Source: Al-Ahram Weekly Issue 477, 13-19 April, 2000

Rushdie showing off his arm candy; Padma Lakshmi

The Fatwa: Ayatollah Khomeini: Kill for A Book None of Us Can Should Read!

In 1988, publication of Salman Rushdie’s novel “The Satanic Verses” led Iranian revolutionary leader Ayatollah Khomeini to issue a fatwa against Rushdie, with a huge bounty for his death. This triggered several attacks on the novel’s translators, publishers and booksellers, including the murder of a Japanese translator. Millions of Muslims around the world who had never read a single line of the book, and who had never even met Rushdie before allegedly wanted him dead. The Society for the Prevention of Un Islamic writing claimed that the book was a conspiracy by the Hindu God Jabba the Charpai

Verdict: It's a terrible book, awful overreaching prose, crack pot ideas and did I mention how awful the writing was? Khomeini did us a favor. oh, I've met Rushdie: I could have been ignoring the words coming out from his mouth, but I'm sure that he essentially agreed with my evaluation of his work, funny guy btw. In terms of insulting to Islam; Dante's inferno is alot worse. 

Source: “The West Is Choked by Fear”, Der Speigel Jan 4, 2010, Henryk Broder

Please buy our clothes. It's Halal...We Promise.

The Fatwa: Malaysian National Fatwa Council: Tomboy fatwa

A University of Massachusetts study reported that girls who play sports have higher self esteem (duh, so would mine if I was better at say giving birth than a woman), and are less likely to enter (or remain in) abusive relationships. The guardians of Malaysia National Fatwa Council were obviously compelled to act!. Kuala Lumpur had a near riot when the Sisters in Islam marched against a Malaysian fatwa banning tomboys, which branded any girls who act un-ladylike as violating Islamic tenets; Obviously unemployment is a severe issue in the nation of Malaysia. Fortunately, the as-yet undefined punishment for Malaysian girls in t-shirts and jeans hasn’t been incorporated into Sharia law yet.

Verdict: Epic Fail. This was a pro skirt rally I tell you! Besides, in a perfect world, wouldn't all girls be lady like? (and gorgeous).  Can't you rent protesters in Malaysia? oh wait, that's Indonesia; oddly enough the worlds largest Muslim nation.

The Fatwa: Muhammad Al-Munajid: Bring Me the Head of Mickey Mouse

That’s right, somebody put on hit on Mickey Mouse. Calling Mickey “one of Satan’s soldiers,” Sheikh Muhammad Al-Munajid decreed that household mice and their cartoon cousins must be “killed in all cases”, according to the U.K.’s Daily Telegraph.

And get this—the guy’s not your average nutjob, either—Munajid used to be a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington D.C....okay, that makes him an above average nut jobs. In context; He made the remarks on Arab television network al-Majd TV after he was asked to give Islam’s teaching on mice.

But don’t worry, Mickey won’t be alone. Munajid also put a hit on Jerry from “Tom and Jerry”.

Verdict: Get the man some cheese and a therapist. I love Tom & Jerry, couldn't he have put a hit out on Count Dracula instead?

THE EVIL EMOTICONS

The Fatwa: Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth: Emoticon fatwa

I can almost get behind this one. Sure, they’re annoying, but evil? Really? Well, to a Muslim forum looking to make a name for itself—yes.

According to Muslim Internet Forum Multaqa Ahl al Hadeeth, “Emoticons are forbidden because of its imitation to Allah’s creatures whether it is original or mixture or even deformed one and since the picture is the face and the face is what makes the real picture then emoticons which represent faces that express emotions then all that add up to make them Haram.” Um...so should I hide away all of my child hood drawings while I'm at it? I sucked at art.

Additionally, “A woman should not use these images when speaking to a man who is not her mahram, because these faces are used to express how she is feeling, so it is as if she is smiling, laughing, acting shy and so on, and a woman should not do that with a non-mahram man. It is only permissible for a woman to speak to men in cases of necessity, so long as that is in a public chat room and not in private......Define 'necessity'....hormones count? or a really big smiley face...

Verdict: How do they find the time to think about this crap? :-) XOXOX ;-) XOXOX :-P XOXOX :-D

The Fatwa: Football fatwa

No, not even the beautiful game is safe from stupid fatwas, then again, it is the most popular sport in the world. As part of a government drive to eliminate frivolous fatwas, the Saudi newspaper Al Watan lampooned one very real edict setting out new rules for football. Reasonable demands included “do not play with 11 people like the heretics, Jews, and Christians”(I advocate Muslim teams having an extra man...we might actually win a few games), and “play in your pajamas or regular clothes (because) colored shorts and numbered T-shirts are not Muslim clothing (did I mention how math wasn't our thing?)”.

However, the most ridiculous aspect is the edict to “remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system’s despotic international rules.” Hey, just because most Muslim country's teams suck, doesn't mean we change the rules. It's not like we're special needs children.

Verdict: Don't hate the player, hate the game. Football is Awesome. Just send some Verrry liberal Islamic Missionaries to Brazil and we'll be fine. 

Source: “A Fatwa on Football”, The Guardian, Monday 31 October 2005.

Corralling in The Wives of Afghan County

The Fatwa: Islamicly Getting it On.

In 2007, the former dean of Islamic law at al-Azhar University in Cairo issued a fatwa that nudity during sexual intercourse invalidates a marriage between husband and wife. Suad Saleh, head of the women’s department of Al-Azhar’s Islamic studies, pleaded for sanity saying that “anything that can bring spouses closer to each other” and Islamic scholar Abdel Muti concurred, saying “Nothing is prohibited during marital sex, except of course sodomy.”

For his part, Al-Azhar’s fatwa committee chairman Abdullah Megawar backpedaled and said that married couples could see each other naked but should really cover up with a blanket during sex. He was also treated for physical self esteem issues. 

He was also very hungry

Verdict: ...so many inappropriate jokes I could make that would book me a first class ticket straight to hell....

http://www.simplydumb.com/2007/04/egyptian-cleric-nixes-naked-sex/

The Fatwa: Ezzat Attiya: Adult Breastfeeding in the Workplace

In May 2007, Ezzat Attiya wondered how unrelated men and women could work together in the same office, when Islam forbids men and women who aren’t married or related to be alone together. His answer: let her suckle him FIVE TIMES. Yes, that’s right, an adult female breastfeeding an adult male coworker will defuse all sexual tension in the office.

Confused? See, the female worker will now be the male worker’s foster mother, and they can be alone together anytime. Attiya’s ruling was widely mocked...well by me anyway. He was later suspended from his job, bludgeoned for outright idiocracy in Arab newspapers. He later issued a retraction saying it was a “bad interpretation of a particular case.”

Privately, green elves have informed the multiple personalities of Alpha Za that Attiya  feels he has the support to launch a World Wide Jihad for his cause. He was last seen testing this thesis in the red light district in Amsterdam.

Verdict: Someone's been watching too much porn....and needs to get over his Mommy issues. 

Source: “A Fatwa Free-for-All In the Islamic World”, New York Times, Michael Slackman, Monday, June 11, 2007.

I'm a rather understanding fellow, but even I can't publicly defend most of this. Even if some of it's out of context or just misunderstood....what the hell? Are you guys really kidding me..... Do we not already have enough of a PR disaster?

Maybe what the Muslim's need are better, less juvenile Clerics in order to have a nation of better Muslims. 

Much thanks to: http://duniasyukron.blogspot.com/2010/08/top-10-bizarre-or-ridiculous-fatwas.html

Dear United States Senators

Dearest Senators, Kerry, Lugar and Berman,

Thank you so much for your interest in the great nation of Pakistan. We are indeed the greatest nation in the world….well, not greatest quite yet, but we’re getting there. Did You Know that we are ONLY the 10^th most failed state in the world. We trample the likes of Somalia, Zimbabwe in terms of honesty, endeavor and progress.

Know that your USD $7.5bn package will be well allocated to the neediest segments of Pakistan…well, after the military and government bureaucracy takes it’s cut, we promise to allocate the several hundred dollars left to uplift the lives of millions of Pakistani….pinky swear. 

In the spirit of our infinite partnership and a celebration of the billions of dollars you’ve chucked down our tube wells and into military hardware (thanks for the F-16’s), we desire an extension to our historic partnership. After all, we’re like BFF (Best Friends Forever)

We’ve even come up with a particularly feasible set of terms which would prove advantageous to all concerned….in the long run….hopefully. We naturally would like money, dollars preferably, but since your slightly less great, Muslim hating, Nuke toting nation can simply print more without answering to the IMF, we feel that we are getting you an absolutely fabulous deal in the process.   

On a strategic level you can continue bullying Iran, seal off a few trade routes, flatten Afghanistan to extract that lovely lump of lithium y’all discovered, peeve off China AND best of all, threaten India with greater effectiveness than we ever could (the last would supremely please the Pakistani people, we assure you). Never again will anyone call India a rising superpower. They can be your Cuba….along with Iran, Afghanistan and China. See how generous we are being? You are so lucky to have us!

Our demands…ahem…requests are quite simply that you triple our ‘Aid’ package, deposit an equal chunk in our Swiss bank accounts (we suggest you get a few too…we’ll teach you how), give us US Green cards and in return we’ll give you Pakistan. All of it. Our nuclear launch codes, Mineral deposits, Lassi’s and even our souls….the 180 million people worth of body parts (we got’em all, kidneys, hearts, livers etc) are a bargain in itself. What Joy!

We look forward to announcing you as the Pakistani Tri-Partite to the General populace. Imagine how wonderful it would be never to lose an election again! We assure you, this is truly the will of the people…we should know, we are the democratically elected parliament dummy!

Respectfully Yours (For a Price, See above terms)

XOXOXO

Democratically Elected Pakistani Parliament

PS: Please ignore this crazy woman. She is an atrocious liar, we deny having the ability to read which makes being paperless quite efficient.

PSS: Don’t get the Military mad…seriously….they have guns….your guns in fact. They use the constitution to wipe their behinds.

Newspapers Suck

Why I Wrote This:

Newspapers suck, they are depressing to read and just plain awful by virtual any metric; full of bad grammar, incomplete sentences, rhetoric driven ideas, inane articles and just plain bat shit dribble.

As one can imagine, these traits tend to annoy me. I'm a very understanding fellow, but even I have my limits with regards to partisanship, stupidity and the promulgation of inferiority in a mediocre business.

The facts been made clear to me that Newspapers have a tough time making ends meet with the meteoric rise of the Internet, increasing number of news media channels and heavily slashed corporate advertising budgets.....MAN THE FUCK UP!

Excuses are useless, what solutions does the industry have? Are they really that devoid of ideas that these self proclaimed protectors of freedom, democracy and a good cup of tea really need to whine....all the time. What's next a subsidy on printing paper? 

Everyone ought to be allowed to whine for about two minutes, then you have to be a grown up and find solutions, or deservedly get fired.

Here are some ideas for this retarded segment of the media industry; I figured I ought to help out......after all, I write for some publications free lance and feel humiliated whenever I find misspellings, faulty analysis and terrible fact checking glorified on the front and back pages (those morons are super consistent, I'll give them that).

1. Fire the Editorial Morons: Fire the Editors and Hire high school level English grammar teachers; at the very least they'll sort out the awful grammatical mistakes these guys take for granted, (Note: unless you are as famous as an American Rapper you are not allowed to misspell words and expect it to be okay); Currently, the readers simply assume that the writers can't write, and the editors can't edit. The best newspaper award is a celebration of mediocrity, the bar ought to be raised.  

In the midst of this ethnic cleansing style gutting of newspaper head honchos, I'd humbly suggest that they eradicate the self proclaimed master word smiths who like to glorify themselves with their all encompassing 'Queens English' vocabulary....remember, this is Pakistan, not every one has a SAT vocab you freaking snobs! and most of the Pakistanis that do, don't actually live here.

These newly converted editors will also give the articles some flow and make them easier to understand....also threaten to fire them every 3 months....just in case some of them get lazy and start getting comfortable with the perks of a Press card.

2. Stop with the Conspiracy theories....Seriously: These have gotten very old. Report news, Newspapers are not a glorified gossip column. Get over the whole 'the Government is oppressing the media drama by not letting us go into a War zone crap'...It's a fucking War Zone you cluster fucking idiots!...if you go and die, it doesn't make you idiots look any better, though it would be a what up! to evolution if the Government did decide allow unfettered access.

Basically, this perpetual soap opera is getting boring, it's old, it's expected, its not shocking. Oh and quit blaming the Jews for everything, we mess up things fine ourselves and we ought to freaking learn the word 'accountability'...and so should you. If you are going to publish these idiotic conjectures, at least have the decency the name your sources. Man Up!

3. They are Newspapers, not Hate-papers: The Newspaper shouldn't be cited as the leading cause for suicide. Stop making reading the morning newspaper so damn depressing. Yes things in Pakistan are not perfect, but reading any paper cover to cover on a daily basis just makes me ashamed to be a Pakistani and I really don't need that on a daily basis.

Where is the hope? In some glib one liner at the end of a critical piece hoping that the powers that be pay attention? Newspapers in Pakistan make it's reader pessimistic about the future of Pakistan. Assholes, we don't need your help with that. Try to find something about Pakistan that even skeptics can take pride in and promote that. This is the only country we have, fingers crossed we have more going on than yet another political rally.

4. Comics are Amazing: I want more cartoons, comics are the things that got me to read the news paper in the first place. I find them interesting, and today's kids are tomorrows readers. Oh and cartoons are supposed to be entertaining, quit with the education oriented bullshit scripts. Comics make people smile, and eager to check out the days newspaper. That's the attitude that one needs to promulgate. 

5. Here We Are now, Entertain Us: Entertaining news articles and comment pieces, and most importantly, they ought to be written in a way that's both funny and compelling. Say what you will about the Onion but it'll always make you laugh with it's ridiculousness. A paper should have sections that make you look forward to reading it, not dreading the stack as a whole.

6. Show me the Pretty: Hire a graphics designer and redo all of the layout, currently, they are ugly, hard to navigate and not exactly intuitive. Make it easy on the eyes without becoming a cheap tabloid. Trust me, it's possible, papers all over the world do it. Please don't defend the layout with tradition, if you think that's a good enough reason to maintain the status quo, then perhaps newspapers do belong in the museums along with the rest of the historical artifacts. 

7. Pictures of Hot women: Men like hot women, I don't care how they incorporate them, but you need hot women. Worked in the UK, and we all know Pakistani's love our colonial roots. Mother's all over are still looking for the fairest dame for their sons and Face Whitening Creams sales are still through the roof. Hot Women + Full Page Layouts = Sales.

8. Wing Down: Stop withs the wings, right wing agenda, left wing agenda, could you please quit it and find a way to present these pesky things call facts, construct a story and actually debate theories on their merits? Try it, it's a unique concept to Pakistani journalism.

9. Politicians Suck...News Flash...We Are Aware: Please realize that the entire readership is aware that all of the Politicians we elect are very corrupt, but we elect them anyway. Beating your chests with grand self importance doesn't change that fact.

It's the price we pay for 'Democracy'. We've already done the math, catch up. 

10. Make Newspapers Shorter: There is no point in publishing 20 pages of 'News' everyday if only 3 are worth reading. People don't have the time to flip through an entire bloody paper, make it concise, and make it memorable. Get rid of the mass volume of space fillers. Quantity should always we sacrificed for quality. 

People don't read the newspaper anymore, they skim through them, the only people who have the time to actually read the entire newspaper are Retirees and House wives, and even they have lives. If Papers want to remain relevant, they had better start catering themselves to their customers, because the truth is that the next generation will just use online sources and quit their subscriptions. 

11. Online is the Future: Build a decent news site that isn't perpetually understaffed and has the capacity to actually delivers real time news, let readers add comments to each news piece published, making it more interactive (everyone has an opinion). Have videos embedded in the articles themselves to play clips of the news, add some commercials and voila; more ad revenue. Oddly enough traffic will increase as well....now how about that?

The Big Idea;

The industry has become a microcosm of whats wrong in Pakistan, widely praised substandard journalism, coupled with shitty editorial work and a pious holier than thou art attitude, all make reading a newspaper in Pakistan to be a completely useless exercises.

We have papers subscriptions out of habit, but at the current rate the Internet and news channels are expanding, we'll stop seeing the point. And then the media industry are the ones who have to pay. I'm not really concerned about the top level guys, competent or not, they'll find gigs, its the rank and file that get to suffer, and journalism as a whole will suffer. 

End of the day, the media industry as a whole needs to strive to be better, make themselves more relevant as opposed to hiding behind their legacies and near monopolies. In the not so distant future, they won't be worth more than a bucket of spit. Show Some Damn Innovation. 

Perhaps Newspapers have to die before Journalism is reborn?