Welcome to Finance: We Eat What We Kill.

I am a Banker, more accurately I'm an Economist/Investment Analyst, my company makes it's money by 'investing' in the stock market. As amazing as that sounds, neither my colleagues or I actually make anything, and like all bankers before and after us, will never physically make anything. We find market mis-pricing opportunities and use our investors money to essentially gamble. It's brutal, slit throat and filled with it's own share of niceties and bitchiness, but we all love it. We aren't here to build an economy, we're here to make money. Ladies & Gentlemen, This is Finance, We Eat What We Kill.

My professional cousins on Wall street have been going through a particularly crappy time as of late, sounds like the country is finally awakening to the fact that bankers can make obscene amounts of money. The only thing more obscene is their propensity to blow it on booze, strippers, narcotics and clothing. But, frankly, I can't understand people in the United States that hate the stock market. it's been the greatest creator of wealth that the world has ever known, I'm not going to bother throwing numbers at you, but lets just say that it is very profitable.

From time to time, there will be losers in the Market; People who made stupid, ill advised or just plain moronic bets. But there will always be winners. There may be few, or there may be many, but remember that this isn't a free gravy train and just because you lose a little money (or you life's savings) the knee jerk response to blame Wall Street Bankers for making mistakes is just pathetic.

 If you invested your own money in the market then you are responsible; You are the one taking the risk and are ultimately responsibly for either driving your ferrari off into the sunset or having to stand in the unemployment line. YOU, MR I GOT DUPED AND LOST EVERYTHING INVESTOR! If you aren't smart enough to hold onto your money, maybe it's best that you and your cash parted ways. As for downsizing Wall Street, Trust me you don't want Finance people to be enroaching on your suburban corporate paradise....

The following e-mail has been going around on the Street  recently. I've modified it thought I might share it:

"We are Wall Street. It's our job to make money. Whether it's a commodity, stock, bond, or some hypothetical piece of fake paper, it doesn't matter. We would trade baseball cards if it were profitable. I didn't hear America complaining when the market was roaring to 14,000 and everyone's 401k doubled every 3 years. Just like gambling, its not a problem until you lose. I've never heard of anyone going to Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas.

Well now the market crapped out, & even though it has come back somewhat, the government and the average Joes are still looking for a scapegoat. God knows there has to be one for everything. Well, here we are.

Go ahead and continue to take us down, but you're only going to hurt yourselves. What's going to happen when we can't find jobs on the Street anymore? Guess what: We're going to take yours. We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We're used to not getting up to pee when we have a position. We don't take an hour or more for a lunch break. We don't demand a union. We don't retire at 50 with a pension. We eat what we kill, and when the only thing left to eat is on your dinner plates, we'll eat that.

For years teachers and other unionized labor have had us fooled. We were too busy working to notice. Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping? We're going to take your cushy jobs with tenure and 4 months off a year and whine just like you that we are so-o-o-o underpaid for building the youth of America. Say goodbye to your overtime and double time and a half. I'll be hitting grounders to the high school baseball team for $5k extra a summer, thank you very much.

So now that we're going to be making $85k a year without upside, Joe Mainstreet is going to have his revenge, right? Wrong! Guess what: we're going to stop buying the new 80k car, we aren't going to leave the 35 percent tip at our business dinners anymore. No more free rides on our backs. We're going to landscape our own back yards, wash our cars with a garden hose in our driveways. Our money was your money. You spent it. When our money dries up, so does yours.

The difference is, you lived off of it, we rejoiced in it. The Obama administration and the Democratic National Committee might get their way and knock us off the top of the pyramid, but it's really going to hurt like hell for them when our fat asses land directly on the middle class of America and knock them to the bottom.

We aren't dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive. The question is, now that Obama & his administration are making Joe Mainstreet our food supply…will he? and will they?"

I have friends here in Pakistan who are teaching in schools, journalists, working at NGO or doing jobs that really don't pay all that well and complain how their work is so much more impactful than what finance people do. Trust me, you don't want my wolf pack in your barn of chickens, we will eat you alive. You will never get another promotion, I might even concede that you may be more talented in your fields than we are, but we know how to close a deal.... You will always be playing catchup. Sacrifice is coming to work on your birthday, never taking days off and know that one or two bad days can result in unemployment. So we fight and like the free markets before us, the strong prevail.

Bankers pay the most taxes out of any segment in the Population, trust me, the government has no desire to see what their budget will look like without us. That's why they give us loop holes, because we want it to be legal and so we're not tempted to go all Bernie Madoff on your behinds.

We are Bankers, you can't win. There are winners and there are losers, we are designed to win.

I Highly Recommend You Don't Fuck With Us. 

Reformed Banking- J-Model

I Love finance. The stock market, the company projections, the concepts, macro economic trends, having to care about Iraqi and Brazilian Oil Fields, I love it all (okay...maybe not so much the number crunching).

But it's an inherently unfair system, the people who get loans are the ones who already have significant money and assets lying around (generally in offshore accounts). What I'd like to see is a bank that'll give a homeless guy off the street a loan to start his own business. A bank that's both profitable and altruistic. I'm a dreamer I realize, and I thank God every day that I never tried LSD, Cocaine, or any other kind of banned substance, otherwise I'd really be tripping....loans for baby mama's maybe?

I think the world needs a new kind of bank, the kind that actually has some social development goals coupled with the profit motive that can actually uplift a country and change peoples lives for the better?

1. Don't give Loans, buy Equity: Make any business loans akin to a partnership for a specified period of time. The bank doesn't earn fees; it earns a share of the profits. This may result in Banks meddling with companies to make them more efficient, but I don't think that's a bad idea.

It sounds a bit like venture capital and private equity, but the key difference here is that the profits will be shared in equal proportion to the DEPOSITORS (Management gets a sweet stake too....If you want the best, you pay for the best). And yes, the depositors will still have access to their accounts as usual, but at the end of the year, they will receive a weighted average portion of profit. If the banks declares a loss, then the depositors lose money. It's that simple. Take it or leave, it's also completely Islamic for all of you people I get to call infidels for not agreeing with me.

2. Standards & Regulations: Require companies that the Bank does business with to meet minimum standards like actually paying a minimum wage, address environmental concerns and spend a portion of their profits on non-for profit charities.

I vote donations to the Charity of Knocked up Play Boy Bunnies....It'll be good for PR...I promise.

3. Private Loans Conundrum; Now individuals often need loans for education, weddings and perhaps a good oven toaster (everyone needs a good over toaster), the question is how do you make loans under my model? Well, as always, I have a solution.

Not only will the loan be based on their credit history, their salary slip, assets etc, but that persons severance package. No loan is to exceed that amount. Period. And a contract will be signed that they will directly debit the amount from their salary on a monthly basis and if they get fired their severance will be...Or we can just take the market value of their disposable organs and monthly blood and sperm donation revenue and factor that in....what? It's a Win.

4. This Greed is Good for an Economy: Businesses will be run more efficiently, entrepreneurs will have actual business partners, Corporations will only be on the hook for amounts that they use, The government will be assured more revenue as there will be greater documentation of taxation.

The government ought to be happy about it, because they'll be more money for them to steal/borrow. I expect imports of 100 year old Scotches, BMW's and space ships to sky rocket....oh and sugar, Pakistani like their sugar.

5. Who would invest in such a Awesome model: I think the IMF, World Bank, Asian Development bank to name a few might be a tad bit interested in this sort of innovative model. Buffet and Soros like minded people might think its a good idea to park their idle cash in a system that promotes innovation and strong returns. Any excess cash can always be parked in other banks and financial institutions using liquid'ish debt instruments.

If you think about it, what the bank will be doing is entering into partnership with businesses and that assures them a share of any profits made, which thanks to efficient measures could be higher interest.

Obviously this would be balanced down by businesses that don't perform well, but that's when the debt revenue comes in handy to cushion losses. So theoretically it works....Must drink more red bull to delve deeper.

6. It Breeds Entrepreneurs: Banks themselves will help build, train and give experience to future entrepreneurs who manage their 'loan' portfolio, the next generation can get into the nuts and bolts of how to set up, run and efficiently manage a business.

The reason why so many people are corrupt is largely because they have no other way to increase their earnings rather than make more at their current jobs through....out sourcing themselves. By having programs that breed entrepreneurs, people who have no other means to make decent money have avenues for future opportunities.

Small Businesses create more jobs that big ones. And Banks can help....because it makes them money....oh and we care...a lot....seriously.

7. Promote Efficiency and Actual Credit Standards in Banks! Banks would become lean efficient machines that would have very low rates of delinquent loans, because their own profits would be directly on the line. No more 'friendly' loans. A business better have a pretty compelling power point and business plan on why it needs money.

Banks earning would go through the roof. Particularly as it's shareholders are literally everywhere. If their are some negligent morons (as there probably will be), firing them will be a public monthly spectacle where shareholders will be invited to bear witness...Sell tickets and popcorn, it'll increase revenue.

8. Banks have a Solid reason to care about their Customers: Currently, banks do what's best for the shareholders first and depositors second. Push comes to shove, they'll tack on higher fees on the depositors to keep the share holders happy. Now by making them both one and the same, it gives the bank access to it's shareholders funds, as well as it's depositors to induce better returns.

This might give the clientele a huge power trip, but there will be a lot less Customers put on hold while folks go on their 3rd tea break of the morning.

9. Give Preferential Loans to Women. They carry men's babies and need something to do during the day, have programs that help them run businesses from their homes, be it web based, sewing, writing etc.

Give some special loans for really cool innovative businesses like a Bungee Jumping facility (I love the idea of bungee jumping).

10. Invest in your Employees, expand EVERYONE'S Horizons: Offer educational programs and opportunities to everyone within the organization. I don't care if it's the maid or the CEO, everyone is entitled to the same opportunities as everyone else. If they want to go to school or gain a degree, the company ought to be obligated to cough that cash up.

It's fair and it's good PR. The costs can be mitigated by educational loan financing or that body part collateral thingy I talked about. If a bank is truly going to succeed, it needs to realize that it's merely the sum of the people that are working there. The truth is that most banks have awful work cultures, and people feel stifled by the lack of freedom.

The more educated a banks employees they are, the more they can contribute to realm of ideas on how to improve that bank. Ivy league grads are going to have a hard time figuring out how to expand their banks presence in depressed areas, but someone from that area who has gained educational opportunities through the bank is likely to be more valuable. It breeds good will in the industry. End of the day, it's good for business to local solution via the natives of the area.

The Big Idea:

The Greatest countries in the world are ones where small innovative businesses have thrived, thanks to the freedom and sources of capital to match their dreams. They have the avenues for their citizens to gain opportunities for a better life. That's meritocracy, and the J-Model of Banking can take us one step closer to opening up that dream for others (and make a butt load of money). Banks are the forefront of change.

Governments are too big, corrupt, unwieldy, inefficient and just plain unaccountable. Banks are the only sector that actually are connected to the rest of the economy and the country.

Getting a loan is hard, as it should be, but let's make it a little bit more fair.

Time Machine...Who Would You Meet?

How unbelievable awesome would it be if you could go back in time and meet folks, knowing what you do now. Minus the stock market gain that you would make, I think it was freaking amazing thing to do. So I compiled a list of people who I'd like to meet and why. 

People I'd like to go back in time and meet: 

1. In Pakistan, in some rural areas, people/super committed adrenaline drug addicts catch poisonous snakes/scorpions, and literally smoke the poison (usually out of a bong). So I want to go back in time and meet the innovator who thought it was a good idea to catch and then smoke a poisonous scorpion. Mad Respekt. Talk about commitment to getting high. 'I'm going to Kill you, and then I'm going to smoke you!" true visionary. 

2. Black mailing is not a new thing, as it actually quite a terrible things to do. But I'd still like to meet Tiger Woods, right after he got married so I could start black mailing him for tonnes of hush money, but I'd be nice, I'd even let him beat me at our weekly golf games/cash exchanges

3. Everyone like to complain about the huge deficits run under the Republican Presidency.So I'd like to be a good Samaritan and go back in time to meet George (Dubya) Bush, back when he was taking finance courses so I can explain to him in great detail what a balanced budget means (I totally understand, my 17 year old little sister still have problems balancing her balance sheet in accounts.....not to mention her budget). 

4. I understand how its a global consumer based economy we live in and how it gets really expensive and that everyone gets in debt. So I'd like to meet the man who came up with the bright idea for huge malls so women can shop all day and blow their (and their husband/boy friends) entire months salary in a single day....so I can kick him in the balls (bro code demands it). 

5. I grew up with everyone telling me how Oprah is a role model, a genius at helping people lose weight, solve their marital problems (basically perfect St. Oprah if you will), so I was forced to watch her shows from time to time (not when any 9 year old wants to watch when cartoons are on), so I'd like a little revenge. Go back in time to meet Oprah; Back when she was still skinny (so pretty far back), so I can tell her that she is going to really get as fat as a sumo wrestler, so she can just chill and have a Twinkie and let little Murtaza (who was extremely awesome kid) watch his cartoons. 

6. Agnes Bojaxhiu, for no other reason because she is one of those super charitable, generous people of our age. It's always good to meet really sweet hearted people and she fits the bill. Some would even say, that she has the heart of a Saint. You may know her as Mother Theresa.

7. Mick Jagger: If the man can rock concerts now, can you imagine how incredible he must have been 20-30 years ago. Word. 

8. John Lennon: Knock him out with a base ball bat about ten minutes before he heads out to get shot. Man could make some seriously sweet music. Beatles would totally make a come back. 

9. Head back to the 1400's Isabella of Spain's Royal court while Christopher Columbus is asking for seed money and tell her not to do it, saying "Your Highness, do you wish to be the laughing stock of the flat world?"....It will be Legen-wait for it-Dary. American Indians will worship me as being Chief Brown Skin of Masala Masala......if only they knew. 

10. Guy who invented chocolate. You are a beautiful man, and you must be full of wisdom about women. I promise to bring you some Weed, a bottle of Tequila, an XBox and a crate of Mars Bar....but you deserve so much more.  

11. Back in the time of Moses, explain to him how he rocks and everything, but that his compass is broken, but that I'll be more than happy to give him mine (I'm charitable like that); finally that he's going the wrong direction and I'll kindly point him the way to Eastern Europe. 

12. Meet the guys who built Stonehenge....what the hell were you dudes upto?

13. Myself, any time in the past will do. Talk about hanging out with a true legend. Hell, I even went back in time.