Food: The Silver Bullet

I have come to the conclusion that whilst empires may rise and fall, that great idea's come into fruition and other dissipate, that there are only few certainies in life. Firstly that there is nothing like a good turkey sandwich. Secondly that a really good turkey has to die in order for me to get a good turkey sandwich, and thirdly that I'm totally fine with having to explain to some 'Animal's have feelings' folk that I'm totally justified in killing animals so I can enjoy a good meal.

There is a reason in Islamic tradition we sacrifice goats and cows for Eid.....Those just aren't any goats and cows, they are our PETS....but we do it anyway. If that's not God's way of saying enjoy the bounties I bestow upon Mankind, I dunno what is (4 Marriages is the potential nightmare he bestows on mankind). I'm glad I figured all of that out, it makes me feel pretty awesome about myself. 

Humility is a lesson that I suck at. Instead of losing myself in the frollicles of that hopeless battle, I have decided to embrace my suckiness, I am who I am. There is a part of me that refuses to sit down and pretend that I am nothing special, that my achievements are simply oddities that one litters my titanic sized desk with without really appreciating them. I have spoken, I have decided. I refuse to be ordinary.

To that end, I have solved the most basic question that has ever dogged humanity. What motivates us?

Is the answer.... Dinner?

Now admittedly, I am actually pretty hungry right now, but it makes complete unrelenting sense.

We have a human interest to survive and the best way to do that is to eat. The countries that have the most miserable people are typically the ones that are the most underfed. Look at those poor North Koreans....and all those folks in Africa (sorry, if that's a bit racist....but Fuck you, it's not). Even in the US, people are going hungrier as they lose their jobs and what not. People who are hungry, are just miserable. Look at models....totally sucky people.

Look at the Taliban! They grow weed instead of growing Maize! Dumb asses! The poor people go hungry because you can't eat weed (unless you have a thing for Hash Brownies, but the subsequent munchies would be problematic to fulfill) and the rich folk make all the dough from the drug transit trade.

Poor People in countries, that include Pakistan, justify all of their corruption, loose morals and plain despicable behavior on one thing. They need to be able to afford to eat, they need to be able to feed their family and they need to ensure that they'll be able to eat tomorrow.

It's really that simple. And Islamically (because I'm trying to figure out God), it's the only 'Get out of Jail free' you get. Otherwise, you steal for glory and (really) cool stuff, you are liable to get your hands lopped off in a public ceremony.

It's reasonable as well. Our most basic need (above sex) is food. When that need isn't fulfilled, we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet that need. We willing to lie, cheat, steal, fight and even hurt others just to be able to eat. After all, there is no glory in dying from starvation and nothing hurts a provider more than seeing his loved ones dying from starvation.

Starvation causes many medical problems, like loss of brain functions/Insanity. We need to stop that, because less crazy people means less people who are likely to cause a revolution and take all of my sweet stuff that I've accumulated. And let's be honest, look at the world map...there are lots of hungry people out there.

The solution is retardedly simple. Grow more food. grow lots of it. have an international fund that's so purpose is to ensure that everyone on his Eden like planet of ours gets fed. I don't care if you have to give out subsidies pouring out the wazzoo, because instead of spending billions each year on combating terrorists, just ensure that those most vulnerable to become terrorists, don't because they've fulfilled their most basic needs. And those who cite all the suffering in their part of the world, run out of bloody reasons.

I call it the 'Drop Food Not Bombs Campaign'. I even found the Cute Poster Boy (look Below)

So, if you are truly hungry.... you do whatever it takes, I don't blame you. Steal my wallet if I'm being a particularly big douchebag about giving you money. It's all good. I'll forgive you and so will God. Just make sure I get my ID's back because I have no desire get stuck in line at the National ID registration office.

Just don't go blow somebody else up because you are in a fit over the raw deal that life dealt you. That's not justice, it's just satanic revenge and unworthy of human beings. And know, that even if you do decide that a life of kaboom is better than a life of honest toil, that if I somehow end up in Heaven and you are in Hell, I will personally come down there myself and kick your ass so bad that you'll think Satan putting Fire Eating Ants up your ass was good clean fun.

So let's feed the world and make it a better fed happier place.

Capitalism: Ordering Medication off the Menu

 There seems to be a fundamental change in the attitudes of people towards medication. Alot of people I know tend to pop pills, not necessarily the illegal kind, but mostly be over the counterPanadol, Advil, Augmentin (though to be fair, whether its over the counter or not, pharmacists will sell you anything) more often than they theoretically need. 

I'm not sure if it's because of work life balance issues but its slowing becoming a problem; the problem being that work seems to absorb people's live period and if one has a stressful job and barely any time for a life, its easy to see why one is attracted to solutions the size of a pill. We nothing if not efficient.

Now, I'm a fairly proud free market Capitalist, and in line with that over riding moral philosophy (I slept through ethics class) I have a proposal; Let Restaurants and Cafe's Sell pills. Now I'm not saying they should sell Vicoten (yet) or any other illegal harmful substances, but things like mild pain killers, vaccines, diet pills, laxatives, energy pills no problem (even sanitary iPads...sorry couldn't resist). 

After all, everyone gets a head ache once in a while; for some unfortunate people its just more often than others; Put it down to the work place's oppressive demand for greater productivity and our materialistic need, the rate of migraines has increased. In that vein a good capitalist should try to fulfil that niche market and enjoy the benefits (money) whilst taking a swig from the keg of glory. 

Pain killers are a necessary evil for the perpetually stressed and those trying to quit smoking (nicotine patches just aren't very manly, though they will be made available under my proposal). I have no qualms replacing one addiction with another, as humans we're better at substituting problems than eliminating them, call it human nature. Also I'm sure those suffering from actual medical ailments would also appreciate grabbing an Advil or Energy Pill along with their morning Coffee and Danish. 

Dieting is becoming pretty popular, though the problem is that in Pakistan, going out to eat is still the most common thing friends tend to do together. So for those who don't want to lose all of their friends and become an out cast, restaurants can start selling them diet pills off the menu!  

So one can go and gorge themselves with a hearty steak meal and then finish off with some convenient diet pills to justify their packed tummies.  In that same chain of though, laxatives could be sold (discreetly of course....capitalists can be sensitive too!).

People tend to enjoy their food a little bit too much sometimes and have heavy post meal stomachs, which make them very sleepy. Now sleeping after a big meal is very unhealthy, but lo and behold, restaurants can sell energy pills! 

Get a good boost of 5 Hour energy after a meal fit for a king(dom). You may say crazy, but I say Insanely profitable and highly advantageous (particularly for employers). 

Now these places already sell Cigarettes and Shisha/Hookah, which you can order off the menu (despite smoking in public indoor spaces being illegal in Pakistan). You'd be hard pressed to find an eating establishment not complete with an ashtray and smokers menu. 

So selling mildly harmful substances at eateries is not exactly uncommon and I would contend that a greasy Triple Decker burger is more harmful than popping a tiny FDA (Food Distribution Authorities) approved pill. 

This would also save lives for example for people suffering from an Asthmatic in the middle of a meal and need an on the spot inhaler (yes they'll be charged for it later) or Diabetics who badly need a dose of insulin (sell with measurement kit to increase revenue). 

Pills make people happy, whether physically or emotionally, establishments with happy customers tend to make a lot of money (oh and depriving customers is bad) and that's the bottom line....all the way to bank.