Superman: The Desi Edition

I have will always love Superman; fighting for peace, justice and the American Pakistani way. I think he embodies alot of what we wish for in todays corruption ridden world. An individual who is unflappably decent (severe lack of gray moral areas), courageous (well not really, next to nothing can hurt him) and freaking unstoppably awesome.

I tried to imagine what a realistic Desi Superman would be like... What qualities would he embody? What would he look like? What would he spend his time doing (let's face it, in todays world he's more likely to be Lex Luthor than Mother Theresa).  

For starters, physically he would be fat. I'm sorry, but if you have the ability to fly/float, your not going to spend a lot of time running, working out or even walking for that matter. Cardio burns fat! Natural floating buoyancy doesn't.

He would not want to be called Super Man...he would want to be called Super Saahib. The man is a Pakistani dammit!

Since, Super Saahib would have a pot belly rivaling the entire consolidated Sharif clan, there is no way he would prance around in physique hugging tights, hell no; the man would dress for comfort and rock out in a shalwar kameez, good golly they are darn comfortable....plus he'd look sick with a cape.

Do you honestly think the most powerful being (next to God ofcourse...unless you think he is God) would roam around in tights and wearing tighty whity underwear on the outside? Let's get real. He doesn't need to prove anything or impress anyone! He's freaking superman. Besides, his Desi Mum would cry a river if he dressed like he was the spokesperson for the Gay Pride Parade.

Now, I doubt that Mr. Super 'My clothes are indestructible' Saahib would be rocking anything other than a plain white Shalwar Kameez, but in this day and age he'd have at least a few sponsors...Mc'Donalds, Coke & Chernobyl Resorts (A special resort only Super Saahib can go to...to be completely by himself, minus a few cockroaches, and contemplate how amazingly gifted he is).

His favorite past times would include chilling on his farm on a lazy boy chair (multiple cup-holders), drinking sweet lassi and watching his crops grow while the latest damsel in distress he just saved feeds him peeled grapes and other fruits. Luckily his job doesn't require a lot of strenuous labor...  (oh and he'd write a screen play for his autobiographical movie)

Super Saahib wouldn't disguise himself and be a lame non-descriptive news reporter; he'd be Super Saahib all the time and occasionally work as a 'consultant'; charging fees that would even make Pakistani Politicians look reasonable. What up to super powers. Super Saahib can build a mega dam in ten minutes.  

Because of his ability to perform miracles with his super human strength and special powers, more than a few may even consider him a deity. He'd be worshiped the world over. Vapid Hindu's would turn him into a variation of an Idol, Fundamentalist Muslims would call him the next savior, Buddhist would simplly make buddha statues just like him....minus the pot belly.

I imagine that he would be muslim so he could have 4 wives...then again, he wouldn't bother having to justify having as many 'wives' as he wants, a wife/girlfriend in every zip code....so what if it breaks a few hearts and laws, what are they going to do? He's freaking Super Saahib!

He would have a hot iranian professor chick girl friend (the degree would be online, via University of Phoenix) but he would love her for her....Lois Lane is too much of a feminist for him.

In order to placate his mistresses, I mean wives, he'd be guilted into certain causes...like world peace (it's the only one all Miss Worlds can agree upon). The things the man could do in order to get laid would be endless.

Mad rich. seriously insanely rich. As in 'buy Europe, piss on it as it burns to the ground and still have enough money to do it all over again' rich. 

He'd also be a very practical fellow, and buy all of the world's Kryptonite and launch the poison straight into the sun. Burn it out of existence faster than a version of the Pakistani constitution.  

He'd even rid the world of all of it's nuclear material. for no other reason that the banging sound that they may eventually make hurt his uber sensitive ears.  

Super Saahib would live in super neutral Switzerland, because he'll love chocolate and the cute clocks that they make (awesome), the proximity to banks would make protecting his wealth very sensible, the additional protection money he'll recived from Swiss bank would also augment his income....plus he'd have a place for his art collection.

He'd get super manicures and have his hair done at Tony & Guy, he loves the way the make him look so pretty. They'll even massage his vedera mustache. 

He'd be really charitable, he'd donate (by donate I really mean sell) all of his toe nail clipping for cancer research. Super Saahib's tears are fabled to bring the dead to life, however, he only cries when Pakistan loses a cricket match or a particularly emotive Indian drama is on.

We are a country that yearns for Super Men. Because they contain the best in us, and none of our egregious faults. They may have some flaws, but their ability to overcome them is what makes them super heroes in our hearts, minds and our history. We are on a perpetual quest for our own Super Saahib, albeit one who is more Superman than Super Saahib.

A version of this piece appeared on Blog.dawn.com

Feministas: To All Ye Bra Burners

Men don't like Feminista's, it's nothing personal, we just feel that they suck at life.....

Now I'd like to clarify what I mean by Feministas, I have no actual problem with the idea of feminism, after all, that's just bad form. A feminista on the other hand is nothing more than a rabid female debater from a super liberal college that is convinced that basic things like shaving unattractive body hair and looking clean was an oppressive measure enforced upon women to further subjugate the emanicpation of their mind, and the only way to escape from this yoke of oppression is to find themselves as individuals and reject man's crazy rules....like basic hygiene. Feministas are equivalent to Fundamentalist murdering nut jobs as compared to Islam, the religion of peace.

Feminista's like talking about women's rights, they are forever pointing out the unfair laws that our ravaging our country that makes them just want to leave and set up shop in a western country more receptive to their demands for equality. Well, there is an idea.

Then once they get a law that they've been advocating for, women's activists join the feministas in talking about how that even if the law was to be considered fair, that in practice society doesn't treat women fairly. What the hell do you want from us?

Now let's be clear here, I and every other person who thinks little of you, has every right to treat you anyway I like. Countries and societies alike don't really follow law, they follow their social norms. Just by legalizing the right to marry 4 wives simultaneously doesn't make it socially acceptable you nitwits.

When someone is interviewed for the job, companies just don't look at qualifications, there is this thing called 'best fit', where Human resource managers get to decide whether or not you and your feminista advocate insanity is a good fit for the organizations. Now as most work places are run by men, who are largely conservative status quo, are unlikely to feel that your version of what life ought to be like is particularly relevant. Nor are they likely to be impressed by the butch, I am as good as man, so that's why I'm wearing a man's suit to the interview....For the love of God, you aren't being asked or expected to dress like a whore to an interview (unless it's for the adult film industry or you are looking for a new pimp), but social norms have their place, particularly if you are going to a company to a job in the first place.

Unless the person interviewing you is blind, he can probably ascertain who you are, and what you are about. First impressions are damning. Which is why showers, basic hygiene and a respectable appearance is required, and believe it or not, these are actually fair, if a guy showed up to an interview in shorts and a TV-Shirt, he isn't going to be hired either.

Infact if a man came to an interview wearing a skirt (scottish kilts are an exception, but only the dressy kind), he'd likely be shown the door as quickly as legally possible (Lawsuits are as a big a bitch as feministas).

What do feministas want? to be treated as equals? to be treated as men. News Flash, women are not men, nor can they ever be. Don't worry, we can't be women either, no child is going to come sprouting out of any man any time soon.

Fashionista's annoy me as well, but atleast they provide some visual public good. So for all of you non-feminista chicks out there, God bless you, and believe or not, we like your bra's to remain right where they are. Because we are supportive like that.

My biggest peeve about feminists is how disingenuous are, I wouldn't call them rabble rousers, because the truth is that they are largely marginalized (common sense prevails, whippee!).

The biggest minomer that Feministas present is that they are actually normal every day women, who enjoy shopping, wearing lipsticks and naturally straight men. Horse shit.

Well, if they like shopping so much, one would expect their usual dress to entail more than the 'made by women' shirt they found in a dumpster ten years ago, if they like wearing lipstick, they ought to pony up and start wearing it and the truth is that they don't want a normal straight man, they want a spineless man lacking the self respect to say, hey, your issues with society is not my fault.

They want guys who agree with the notion that women are oppressed and are grateful that this fine superior self aware woman finds him worthy of her company. Oh, and there are ofcourse the lesbian feministia's who use their 'movement' as a ploy to bag chicks by making them passionately 'self aware'. props to the seduction technique, a good thing that you picked that trick off men in the first place you hypocrites.

What the hell are feminists problems with Bra's? Is the support unwelcome? Do you have to burn the damn things? Doesn't china already have the rest of the world by it's balls without you adding a couple of extra containers full of bras? If you don't wear bra's, fantastic, just do the rest of society a favor and be sure to wear a nice white cotton shirt on a rainy day.

What are you complaining about? women are allowed (though not encouraged) to work, by picking a fight with the mullahs, politicians etc, your not changing anyones mind, your just making other groups more hostile to you and marginalizing your horomonal imbalanced driven views even more than they already are.

Here is what I recommend, get a wax job, make yourselves attractive as possible, develop several cogent arguments (in the probably event of your failure, I'm sure a few well paid men could supply you with a few), stop blaming everyone else and spewing hate (unproductive; anyone seen Osama?). It just makes us think you are crazy and that if your Daddy (or sugar momma) wasn't supporting you that you'd be a hobo. Take some medication to simmer down and perhaps enjoy a few massages.

From time to time, I meet a Feminista who points out some random odd ball guy who is a Feminist. Now my question is how in love is that guy with you and secondly, I delicately inform that lady of virtue that he thinks that by being a male Feminist he'll get laid. oh and on third note, there are more than one terrorists, but you wouldn't want to join that list would you? Plain, flat and fucking simple.

Burn bombs not Bras. Bombs kill people, Bra's result in marriage inducement. Luckily, Feminista's have a lower likelyhood of reproducing, so feel free to keep up the rabble rousing as your less feminista'ish rivals all live happy fulfilling lives.