Sadistic: How to Punish with the Corrupt

Pakistan has more than it's own fair share of corrupt politicians, not only are they corrupt, but they are the lying cheating child sodomizeing scum of the earth. Needless to say, I don't think much of them, and neither do most educated Pakistani's. Unfortunately we're an elitist minority and that means we don't yield the electoral power that most of the poorly educated majority of the sycophantic morons feel.

Recently a politician was forced to resign from his Parliamentary seat, because well...he lied about his educational qualifications.......namely that he had any. The esteemed elected representative who was claiming to have earned a Bachelors in Islamiat had no clue over the most basic tenets of Islam or the Quran....which judging by his actions and profession quite frankly doesn't surprise me a whole lot either.

But, what does surprise me is that this esteemed fellow, Dasti, resigned from his MNA seat before the courts kicked him out of office, was then appointed as special advisor to the Prime Minister and then finally got re-elected from that very same seat he was forced to vacate in a by-election.....on the promises of the same Prime Ministers promises for a cool (by cool we mean pricey) Mega project for the area....if Dasti was elected. Abuse of power much?

SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME!!!! (WTF WTF WTF)

Now, I do a fair bit of whining, and oft feel guilty for not doing something more productive for the betterment of society in general. So, with that in mind, I have developed some innovative measures on how corrupt officials ought to be punished. These, if properly implemented should reduce the incidence of corruption or at the very least make it less obvious. I may never become a politician supremo myself (sniffity sniff my ass), but I'd sure love to provide the framework on how to remind these wonderful public servants that they work for the people, not their Private Wealth Managers ecstasy overdose driven happiness.  

Make corruption the only crime in Pakistan that is eligible for castration. ohk, maybe that's a bit harsh (not), we'll just have them publicly raped by some sexually ravenous gay friendly Taliban. The key idea is that to make the punishment for engaging in corrupt activities so harsh that no one would be corrupt for fear of the potential repercussions. oh, and I'm sure we can find a few sadistic gay tourists who would love that shit.

Public Televised Flogging Events complete with pay-per-view public viewings on the web. Now, this would obviously be adult rated (like we care about those pesky ratings anyway), and by publicly broadcasting the impact of abusing ones power and being just plain fraudulent, that everyone will think twice about the next time they both offer or take a bribe. Gotta Love Saudi Arabia, they even have public squares where they behead people, cut off their hands and what not. You can use the Ad and TV revenue to build a few more Parks....and fund a few circuses...I love the circus. So cool to see the seemingly ordinary accomplish the extraordinary....like finding an honest politician for example.

Government Coffers Waste Reduction Plan: When a department makes a budget, a good chunk of change tends to go missing. Fuck that. Make those bastards in charge a wee bit more accountable. Have ALL publicly allocated funds disbursements all posted on a web site. When money is allocated to a project, show a the damn progress chart, if you need help, I'm sure there is some malnourished middle school kid who can do it for you. Now If that money isn't being used for the stated purpose or is willfully being looted, take the bastards out and let the Dobermans skull fuck them before eating them....there is something to be said for German efficiency. After their dead, we'll take the usable organs and sell them, the funds will be used to be put back in the project so that....wait for it....it can actually be completed and serve the purpose it was intended for....yes I realize there might be a shortfall or two, but odds are, the government might actually get shit done. Fingers Crossed.

Pakistan Gladiators: Politicians love to tell us how brave they are and how they need enough security to conquer and occupy Singapore, to maintain their safety.... so I say we should put them to the test. Russell Crowe this Shit. If we find a corrupt Politician, we put him/her in an arena (cricket stadiums will do, we're definitely not getting any International Cricket any time soon) and then watch as they battle an assortment of Donkeys, Lions, Taliban, Elephants and perhaps the odd Kraken if we snare one up. Television ratings would be awesome. Krakens are Cool. 

For particularly attractive Corrupt Women, once convicted will be made available for online Prison Gangbangs flicks...they will also be given Desi Lollywood Hooker names like Twinkie and Dolly. The revenues from these will be used for organizations that improve womens rights. Gotta love the irony of it. Fingers crossed there aren't too many of these....it'll be bad for our public image....not. 

Finder Fee Rewards: Those catching corrupt officials will be given rewards, like no taxes for life or a bunch of huge bags o wheat. Or in fact, let's go one better and give that person a percentage of that corrupt individuals wealth. Bet you anything that alot of scum sucking corruption infested departments would be cleaned out real quick. After everyone is done selling each other out, the government will have some pretty huge account balances. 

Once a Politician is convicted, all of his holdings will be seized. His cars, his land, his factories, even his dog become property of the state for the exclusive use of poverty reduction. You rob the people, and now the poorest of that people get something back. It's only fair dammit! 

I hate corrupt people, and at times I wonder is there even anything that we can do about it. We have honest people, and we have corrupt people, but the sphere of Politics is filled with the latter, because no decent human being wants to play in a field infested with a bunch of snap friendly vipers.

Maybe if we set an example and really punish the super corrupt to show how it's not going to fly anymore, as opposed to say, letting them leave the country in the comfort of their foreign bank accounts, people would have a greater incentive to be honest. At the very least we could put the bastards behind bars and have it actually be a prison as opposed to glorified hotel complete with booze and a brothel. 

Then again, maybe if we all act corruptly, then we have a more even playing field... but why should we fail at being decent human beings just because our leaders are? Where is the Honor in That? Then again, maybe we've forgotten what honor means. 

Damnit Poor People

Why I Wrote This:

I understand it's not people's fault that they are poor; even if it actually is.... lazy uneducated scum bags. Maybe if you took that loan the bank offered and used fertilizer & pesticides to develop your tiny paddy field you'd have increased your yield and not been stuck on subsistence farming like your family has for the last fifty generations.

Maybe if you had thought through why you were moving to the 'big city' as opposed to believing that in the big city everyone was so rich that even your idiot lazy cousin has his own car....next time check to see if he's a rickshaw driving Cabbie loon!

Poor people make countries (like Pakistan) look bad (particularly in numerical terms); do you see col awesome documentaries on rich people in developing countries, nope news outlets find the most crappy section of the almost perfect nation and then dig for stories and shoot their coverage from there. 

Did you know that estimated 40% of Pakistani's live below the poverty line...nope, and that's like 80 million folks....what about the remaining 60%, the majority that do manage to get make ends meet....what are we? Chopped liver and hence un-newsworthy?

So the primary question for most governments is...What do we do with all of the poor people?

Since their proposal suck (as always....tax breaks for poor people doesn't make sense if they don't pay taxes in the first place geniuses), I have a few ideas. 

1. Redefine Poor...Statistically: Make them less poor, re-evaluate the 'poverty line'; yes can debate on how fair or unfair it is, but it's an easy fix solution and governments do it all the time. It is a considerable achievement to reduce the number of poor people without creating any jobs or general economic growth for that matter. 

2. Fake Tax Returns: Lets just generate about 20-30 million fake tax returns and the write off the amounts due as 'unrecoverable'....due to wide ranging protest over the United States intervention in Afghanistan or something believable like that....Western countries love peaceful disobedience protests. 

3. Organ donations: I'm sure their poor peoples body parts are worth just money as money as rich peoples. The market for kidneys, blood etc are all worth $Billions, these impoverished folk can also be use for medical testing projects. They can use the revenue to educate themselves or just throw an amazing rave and hire DJ Tiesto to perform. The number of 'tourists' alone would be terrific for the 'kidnap rich white people' business.

4. Export Adoption: We'll make it unbelievable easy for people to come to Pakistan to adopt kids...however, there are some ..ahem...fees involved. Can we get some baby loving NGO's here? Doing this properly with a concerted publicity drive and eventually Madonna or Angelina will adopt a few of the little rascals and then the flood gates will open. If they don't we can simply claim that white folk are racist against Pakistanis....

'What are our impoverished kids not cute enough?'....no we can't plastic surgery at a young age is a terrible thing...we'll just sell their non-essential organs. Till we can exploit them in some other way...Camel Jockeys. Perfect.

5. Poor People Are Thin: They are skinny enough to be models....so lets make them into models; just throw on a little makeup, teach them some basic English words and maybe a little plastic surgery to cover up the cracks and everyone will applaud the future rags to riches story....the government will obviously keep a cut of all future earnings...to recoup their investment....and pay for some gold plated Jumbo Jets. We're Fly, 50 Cent ain't go nothing on us..

6. Government Jobs: The good old government can afford to hire more people (they always seem to after an election). They can make these newly inducted poor folk do things like staff the govt. agencies and specialize in tasks like having a dedicated chap to operate the fans via a cycle (prudently save electricity).

Create a human protective circle around each government officers important expensive car and run with them as they are driven, the savings from accidents and distinct lack of insurance premium, would pay for itself. Train these destitutes to operate blackberries and various brands of cell phones and have them man these devices for their illiterate bosses. All personal assistants are to get personal assistants. In another words, the government will hire anything with a pulse and find them any innate task to do...like smile maybe. Professional Greeters.

 The increase in an officials entourage would greatly add efficiency to that senior public servant, particularly once he discovers that the internet isn't just for porn.

In case the government doesn't want to hire them, just hire people on the books and process payment to their favored swiss bank account....trust me, I'm a banker, it'll work.


7. Pieces of Land: Give it to them, Pakistani's love the idea of being land owners, no matter how useless the land is. So I say the sitting government maximize the political benefits and do it Zimbawe style; they got rid of the rich white folk and gave their land to poor black wannabe farmers..(Note: That didn't work out so well for them, the country almost starved to death).

So in Pakistani terms, we tell the poor masses that the land belonging to a rival faction is being 'gifted' to the people. First come first served. Real Poor people own nothing, they'll get to their desired location in minutes family in tow, ready to start tilling.

They'll squat on that territory so fast, the rooster won't realize that all the hens were last nights dinner. The rival faction will be pissed, but those unlucky buggers will be outnumbered. Political Genius


8. Reallocate Them: Sell them and Send them abroad: Send them where ever someone can find them work...by the boat full mind you. They work really cheap, particularly once sold as indentured labor; Screw the UN Charters, and they'll send back foreign exchange through remittances....besides Slavery wasn't a fad, it's a classic and  it's going to make a comeback...I'm telling you! Particularly with the number of poor folk, it's economical. The revenues and savings alone can help build us our own Space Shuttles (80 million is a lot of people).

In the long run this can be part of the nations foreign expansion plan....have our poor peoples over populate other countries and then take over through democratic means....I love democracy. Why not export it humanely?

9. Proper Ad Campaigns: Make them advertise themselves better, get some funny entertaining signs while begging for alms, their revenues will shoot up and voila they won't be poor anymore.

FYI: It's a misnomer to consider professional beggars to be poor by any stretch of the imagine, I've done the math and they make more money by begging than most people with decent jobs...AND THE LITTLE SHITS MAKE IT TAX FREE!!!

10. Pretend they don't exist: What Poor People? Plausible deniability (mostly) works for Mossad, CIA, MI6 etc. I project a 100% chance of Success.

The Big Idea:

Developing Nations have more than their own share of poor people, and one can make the argument that it's a part of the teething process, but to be fair, that's hardly going to make a poor person feel better about his predicament.

We could just make them less poor, but that would require economic growth or something like that. Investments hard to come by, human capital is cheap, after all, we keep spouting out the little suckers. So why bother, lets just gloss over it as we tend to. A defeatist attitude hasn't hurt us yet...oh wait. oops.

We can be rich in life as we strive and are lucky enough to be, but end of the day, we all die poor.  Just something to think about the next time we see someone less fortunate than ourselves lying in the street begging for help.